Why can't I be free of you?

Every day, you are with me. Your smile, your laugh. Your eyes. The way you look at me. Your eyes...

I wish I knew what you are thinking right now. I want to look into your eyes again.

I often wonder what you are doing, who you are talking to, what kind of mood you are in. Did you workout? Are you eating well? How are your kids?

Are you dating someone? Do you think it will go somewhere or are you just enjoying the moment? When was the last time you went fishing?

How was your last hike? When is your next one? Who are you hiking with? Are you still writing? I hope you are.

Do you think of me as often as I think of you? Are you sad like I am? Do you miss me at all? Do you love me at all? Did you ever?

Will you always be my ghost that I carry in my mind and my heart until I am gone?

Will I always think of you this way? How do you think of me? Do you think of me?

Do you dream of me like I dream of you? Does your heart ache like mine?

I will always love you. Nothing can change that. Nothing.

I miss you so much.

You just ran across my mind...

I was having a somewhat somber conversation with my husband the other day. We were discussing a friend of ours from high school and some of the sad and tragic things that have happened in his life.

He is an amazingly strong person and a true inspiration to me, well, to both of us. Our conversation then shifted as my husband revealed our friend had called him, and not to return a call, but to encourage HIM and to admonish him to reach for a goal they had previously discussed some time ago.

I was in even greater awe of our friend, and my husband was also because, during his grief, our sweet, loving friend reached out to encourage and move us toward a goal. Wow.

Who do YOU need to reach out to and do the very same thing? Who do you need to call, write, text, email, speak to and encourage them in the midst of whatever YOU are going through?

All of us are going through, coming out,  or going into our own storms and trials. There is something wonderful, beautiful and blessed about encouraging others as you work to encourage yourself. I'm going to reach out to some friends today, and I encourage you to do the same.

Lost in Thought...

Tonight, I've got lots on my mind. This is normal, but, tonight, I'm thinking about old friends, friends I don't see often, best friends, and people I have given my heart to.
You can give your heart, not just to a lover, but also to friends. You can be hurt by a friendship breaking up as much (or worse) as a relationship that was amorous. I know, I went there, but it's true. In some ways, I am still recovering from the loss of sister friends when I was in college.
To be very truthful, my friendships since then have been evaluated in a different light. As much as I love my newer best friends, I wonder if they will know me the way others who knew me before college do. I hope they do. Friends, especially sister friends, are hard to come by, and I love mine as much as I love myself.
I will sit and ponder my thoughts a little more. Before I go, though, the thought of old and current amorous relationships has come to the forefront in my mind. Honestly, I realize that I love hard and deep. I am super intense. If I love you, I LOVE you. No one will love you more, except our Heavenly Father. I mean it.
It has been for this reason that I'm so selective and protective of my relationships. I nurture them, give them the best environment to grow, and, I work hard to make sure to keep negative elements away so that the relationship will thrive.
My goal is to love everyone who has been given to me to love. To show them love beyond what they have known, not obsessively, but deeply, honestly and fully. Trust me, I need my space, too, so I would never smother someone or stalk them, lol. I will, however, love them to life.
Well, I guess that's all I've got for my ramblings and musings tonight. God bless you all.

Peace.

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year, everyone! I hope the first eight days of this year have been good to you.

I'm glad to be here. Honestly. It seemed like 2016 took so many people, well known and friends and loved ones of my family and friends.

It's good to be on this side. As my dad always says, "It beats the alternative."

I am looking forward to this year and all that I will conquer. I have so much to do and so many plans. I am very excited to see what God will bring me as well.

This year is a year of elevation. It's time.

I'm soooo hype!  What are you going to do this year?  Steve Harvey has a challenge to people to write down 500 (yes five hundred) things they want.  I'm in my 70s, and I'm working hard to have 100 written before the end of January.

What do YOU want? Let's go, everyone!

Happy 2017 to you.

Peace.

Interpersonal reflections, thoughts

As 2016 comes to a close, it seems that so much has happened this year. For the good of some and for the worse of others.

This year has been full of revelations, joy, sorrow, and hope for tomorrow. I honestly can say that there have been many things that I would like to do again, and some that I wish I had not done.

I am so happy to be here, right now, in this moment.

It is truly a blessing to be alive. To be able to breathe. To know that God is able to do exceedingly, abundantly MORE than what we could think of, ask, or imagine.

I need to start walking in my authority and claiming the truth. I need to pray more and move my body MORE. I need to take care of ME. There is no one else who will.

I'm so over trying to make sure everyone else eats and I only have scraps left for myself. My nourishment means that they also will be nourished. I cannot allow myself to die of starvation.

One of the things I am planning to do before the end of this year is to complete a new vision board for myself.

My visions have changed, and, more importantly, my desire to please others who are not God has begun to dwindle. I need to make sure I AM RIGHT WITH GOD, and let the rest take care of itself.

Of course, it's so easy to say that and infinitely harder to walk in that truth, but I am going to put my best foot forward, and continue to press. God has called me for GREATER.

God wants MORE OF ME. I want to deliver, and do my job with EXCELLENCE.

I hope that you all find your happy places and your sweet spots and you start to operate in the spirit which God has given you. Let us use all our God given gifts and talents to uplift, magnify, and glorify HIM. He will never leave us nor forsake us. We can do it. 

We must do it.

Peace.

The Day After Christmas

...and all through the house, our thoughts were racing, scurrying like a mouse.
Stockings all down, presents opened, wrapping in disarray;
Santa Claus came and went on his merry way.
My family is snuggled up with their new gifts,
And I'm fighting a cough, runny nose and the sniffs.
In spite of my low energy, I'm happy to report
that all are quite happy, my family's a jolly sort.

I hope your Christmas was Merry and Bright,
and I wish you the best of the evening - Good night.

Peace.

I know my blog isn't really heavily frequented

So it's quite all right with me that I post this here. I suppose I should go back to my journalling, something that I love, honestly.

But, I'll reiterate here, the purpose of my blog was to share. Something that is so difficult at times for me to do, and I honestly wanted to make this a safe place for me to write.

I love writing. I love the sound of clickety clackety keys and spacebars. I love the old school, the typewriter sounds. I love the sound of pencil to paper, the furious, continuous writing of someone who is literally flowing from their brain directly to the paper.

Ahhh...it's a beautiful image, isn't it?  If you aren't a writer, but, instead, you are a reader exclusively, then you understand what I mean. You can get lost in words. Writers always get lost, sometimes to the point of continuing and forgetting exactly where you were supposed to end up.

The words take you there. The words lead you and guide you along the path. It's amazing.  Then, once the fury has subsided and you look up, you've written five or ten pages and you can't believe that YOU wrote that.

Wow.

Sorry, I was on a tangent, lol, see? I love it.

Well, I'm about to be very transparent. I'm struggling a bit. I'm...sad. Very sad.

I don't think I'm depressed, in fact, I think I'm very clear about my course of action and what I need to do, but I just don't want to do it. I want to put my head back in the sand, I want to pretend my eyes don't see what my eyes see.

I want to be ignorant again. To a degree, ignorance really is bliss. It can be the place you find comfort and...well, it's kind of like your warm fuzzy blanket that you use to shield you from the "real world".

I can't go back to ignorance, though, and what I'm seeing, what I'm hearing is, well, that what I thought was a glittering, glistening, beautiful dream is not. It's not a nightmare, either, it's just, not the package that I was presented.

The package is an all right package that someone would be thrilled to have. In fact, there are some who would be so happy to have it, they wouldn't understand why I want to place it to the side or return it.

The problem is, when you are presented with a glittery, glistening, beautiful dream and it turns out to be just a vision that never really comes to fruition, that can be beyond frustrating.  You can end up feeling resentful, that you were hoodwinked and bamboozled.

You can end up feeling...sad. And stuck. And like, well, like you don't have any options.

Or, that the only option you have is one that causes you to lose sleep, to cry yourself to sleep many nights in a row, to distance yourself from those who love you the most and who love you best.

Well...

I just hope that whatever I decide to do with this package that I was handed that I treat it kindly and do the very best for it that I can.

I have always wanted to do the RIGHT thing. Always.  I will pray and hope that I continue to do that.

It's better to know that I've done all I could to make this package the one for me.

I don't want to let it go, but that might be the best thing for me...I've never thought about that scenario.

It frightens me and paralyzes me at the same time. I have to keep moving. I can't stop.

One foot in front of the other.

Here's to doing the best thing for everyone.

Peace.