Wall Squats, Sweat and Tears

Before I get too deep into this post, let me say I may post twice today because I had two separate blogs running through my head, one of which I should have published several days ago but didn't.

Sorry.

Okay, so, the other day, I was doing some wall squats, it was, I think, in fact, Friday or Saturday, and I started getting emotional.

I was crying and, almost breaking down about it, and I was a little taken aback by how intense my emotions got over these wall squats.

I was thinking about all the times I've reached out to people and haven't gotten anything in return. Not a hug, a smile, or, what I really was reaching out for, a friendship.

Please don't think that I'm walking around giving people compliments, talking to people, sincerely asking questions, and paying attention to others so that I will then get attention. That's so not even my style.

What I'm talking about is, being open and honest, allowing myself to be clear and showing others my insides without anyone really showing that they care.

I'm saddened by this. It makes me wonder if I am not interesting enough. If people don't want to be around me for some reason. If I'm trying too hard and I come off as desperate and needy or lonely.

I may be lonely, but I definitely would not want to be perceived as desperate or needy. That is not who I am.

I can admit that I've been in a bit of a funk for a while. I heard a word used that I think describes me perfectly, at times - melancholy. I think I can be melancholic at times, and I was blown away when I heard the word. But, I'm veering off course...

So, in the midst of thinking about failed friendships and relationships of my high school and college days, then thinking about failed friendships and relationships of the past few years, some of which I am still smarting from, I started crying as I was doing my squats.

I didn't stop doing squats, though. In fact, the tears made me angry. I pushed forward with my routine, going longer and harder than I had planned. I made a decision, while I was crying, to take the pain and use it as fuel for me to keep me going, to push me past my limits.

I am going to be a better person, and every single one of these extra pounds, whether they be associated with a feeling, a person, a circumstance or a situation, will fall off my body.

And I will be reborn. And I will be, truly, a better version of Nakeisha. I can't wait to see her.