What Dreams May Come

So, this past Sunday, Palm Sunday, if you will, while at church, I was listening to Pastor Battle talk about forgiveness. Focusing on the words Jesus spoke before He died on the cross. The first phrase, was "Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do."

Pastor Battle talked about how important forgiveness is to each of us, every single day of our lives, and especially to ourselves. I took the message in, thinking about all the times in my life when I needed to forgive someone, and I have tried hard and worked hard to forgive others.

In reflecting on my past, and present, and all the opportunities I have to forgive, I realized I was leaving one person out of the forgiveness circle. It was me. I definitely leave myself out of the forgiveness plan. Forgiveness for me? Nope. Not gonna happen. Sorry, self. You don't get to be forgiven.

I thought some more about why I felt that I did not deserve forgiveness from myself. Deep down, I believe I punish myself for not being perfect, or completing various tasks, assignments, and duties to the ability I believe I can complete them. I sometimes mentally bang my head against a wall and call myself "stupid, stupid, stupid" over and over again. I know this to be true.

So, in thinking about how I punish myself for being imperfect, knowing that I can never be perfect, I came to the conclusion that I perfectly set myself up to be disappointed and discouraged in myself all the time. This leads to low self-esteem and perhaps to other problems, like relationship -wise, with former friends, current friends, with my family, with people I care about and love.

So, tying all this in with the message, I couldn't help but think of a character in one of my favorite Robin Williams' movies to date - What Dreams May Come. In the movie, Robin Williams' character is married with two kids - a boy and a girl. He dies, and goes to Heaven, but he is taken on a journey to find his family, because no one was there, waiting for him, as he had been told and imagined.

In fact, in the movie, his wife was in Hell. In the movie, Hell was a truly awful place, more of your own personal prison than anything else...but I'm not going to get into the philosophical nature of everything...I digress.

Through flashbacks and dialog, you discover what happened to his family and how it became torn apart. The most revealing relationship was the one between Williams' character and his wife, played by Annabella Sciorra. Throughout the movie, and towards the end, various characters and Sciorra herself revealed to Williams why they had drifted so far apart. The best line in the movie was her answer to him as to why the tragedy they experienced had destroyed their lives and why grief was killing her, literally. She answered him, simply, "Because you didn't join me."

This line brings me a plethora of memories every time I hear it or even think about it. "Because you didn't join me." I start to wonder if perhaps I can't find a way to forgive myself because I don't think that anyone wants to join me - to join me in my healing, to join me in my pain, to join me in my hurts, sorrows, struggles.

I think, above all else, I just want someone to join me. To validate me, that I have the right to feel the way I feel, and to help me realize I can forgive myself. Because it's truly okay.

On Sunday, while Pastor Battle was preaching, I realized that someone had already joined me. That someone had been there - to join me in my pain, to join me in my hurts, sorrows and struggles, and to join me in my ultimate healing.

His name is Jesus. And he's always been there. Even when I didn't recognize it, even when I didn't see Him, even when I was too blinded by hurt, pain, and self-destruction. Jesus joined me. He took all my pain, my hurt, my sin, my sorrow, my struggle, and He filled Himself with it - and He died, carrying all that, so that I didn't have to anymore.

I am free to forgive myself. I can finally accept forgiveness. Wow.

I'm just going to let that settle in. May you all have a wonderful Easter season, and please, remember, you don't have to beat yourself up and make yourself the least. Jesus has already joined you. He's always there, and He loves you, especially when you don't love yourself.