Stressed....

but very hopeful. I know that I have a long way to go. I will not give up this fight.
I will lose this weight.
I will have my beautiful healthy twins.
I will be an award winning teacher.
I will be an internationally recognized and awarded author.
I will sing with the greats and make some great music myself.
I will.

Yes, I will.

Peace.

Why did I get married?

...right now, I really feel like being married is just an additional thing, on top of all the other things I do.

I am really tired of feeling like I've expressed my wishes, wants, desires, and my husband is too preoccupied with worry - worry about our finances, our car, our everything besides our relationship.

We've been in each other's lives for so many years; we've known each other since we were 12/13 or so (our 8th grade year of school), and started dating when we were 16/17. We broke up for about two years, but even in that time period, we were still very much a part of each other's lives - and intimate also.

What I need from my husband now, he gives me - he provides for our family, has supported me valiantly through my return to school and pending graduation (MEd in Secondary Education, emphasis in Mathematics), and he does thoughtful gestures. I am over the moon about this and I know I have an amazing guy.

What I want is MORE; for instance, one of my biggest pet peeves is when he doesn't listen to my requests. Here is a wonderful example.

I have been talking about the Japanese Cherry Blossom festival since March. It is something I want to participate in and take Sean to experience the culture, the food, the entertainment, all of that.

Today, the main festival with all the parades and shows happens in D.C. (we call it "Downtown" around here). Guess who is at home, and nobody is moving?

I accuse him of only being interested or urgent about something that involves him or that he wants to do. This proves my point exactly.

I'm so upset. I'm practically furious, actually. Next time, I'm going to see if someone else wants to go because I'm fed up with planning family activities to have him sabotage them or act like I didn't tell him about it prior to the date of the event.

I'm frustrated and upset.

Peace.

Fears, Failures, Fantasies

At church this past Sunday (Happy Easter, by the way, to those of you who celebrate), our pastor gave us an assignment. He wants us to share our fears, failures and fantasies with our spouses (for those of us who are married).

Well, I have some fears, failures, and fantasies that I'm going to share with you all here.

Some of them have been mentioned before in previous posts, but some of these may be new, and especially if you've never read my blog, they are definitely new to you. :)

Fears: Some of my fears include something terrible happening to my sweet young son that takes away his innocence. I pray this does not happen and he is allowed to grow and learn for himself without having any traumatic experiences.
Another fear is that I won't be a very good mother, or at least not the mother my son needs me to be.
Another fear is that I will be "fat" forever. :(

Okay, I think that's enough for now. ;)

Failures: some of my failures include not finishing a masters degree. I only have two credits left to finish the degree. I will most likely never finish those two credits. I just don't have the motivation to do it anymore, and my life has turned in a different direction. The degree is obsolete for my life.
Currently, I'm not doing very well in my Abstract algebra class. I'm very afraid of not passing it. For the second time. And I'm not joking. In some instances, I may be one of the smartest people some of my friends know, but I don't feel that way when I'm in this class. I feel like I'm the dummy in the front. Yes, I sit in the front of the class and still haven't grasped as much as I need to from the book OR the professor. :-/

Fantasies: I want to be a dancer. Professionally. I love to dance, and I've got decent rhythm. I know I could be a great background dancer for a Broadway production! I love that stuff, seriously! :D
I want to be a background vocalist for Jill Scott. Or Erykah Badu. Or Faith Evans. Or India Arie. Or Ledisi. Or, heck, anybody that can really sing their face off! I love to sing and I have a YouTube channel devoted to this. It's nothing but me singing. nswr1104 is my channel. Check me out! ;)

All right. I think that I've shared enough today. So...what about you? What are some of your fears, failures, and fantasies? It's always good to share, and sometimes, the path of healing lies in the sharing so you can get free from some of the things that bind you and hold you back from realizing the destiny that is meant for only you.

Take care of yourselves, friends!

Peace.

Goodbye to Facebook

So, I've been wrestling with this for a while now, and I've decided that I want to delete my Facebook page. Or at the least deactivate it.

I'm just really finished with Facebook. And there is nothing that anyone has done to make me want to run away from the social networking that it is...in fact, I've discovered friends I've been missing for so long, in addition to some new people in my life that I hope to hold onto for the rest of my life.

However, I just don't get from Facebook what I once got. I've become less social, actually, because of it. I no longer call or text, I just look up everyone's status to see what's going on with them. Or I peruse through their pictures. I don't even bother to leave a message to let them know I stopped by their pages, I just look around and then go.

If that is what my communication skills have been reduced to, then I don't want Facebook anymore.

And I'm thoroughly okay with saying goodbye.

I just hope that all my people, my true friends out of the almost 400 I have on Facebook, will understand and keep up with me outside of that social medium.

Well, it's onward and upward. :)

Peace.

Letting it go...

Is so hard to do. It really is. But, I'm tired of walking around with all these emotions and feelings and all this extra WEIGHT.

So if I'm really trying to lose weight, like I've said I NEED to do, then, well....


I'VE GOT TO LET ALL THIS STUFF GO.

And go it shall.

Starting NOW.

Peace.

So....

Today there is supposed to be a huge Atheism Rally in DC. I've been praying about this because I'm concerned about the message being sent.

One of the things that many know and believe is great about this country is that we are all free to believe (or not believe) as we see fit. There are as many different faiths and beliefs here as there are possibly in the entire world.

I think that it is wonderful for everyone to have this freedom.

There is only one thing, though, that I truly believe many are wrong about. I truly believe, and I know that Jesus is more than just a man who lived thousands of years ago.

He is the Son of God. He is the Messiah. He is Lord of Lords and King of Kings.

I guess this Atheism Rally today really bothers me because many who are atheists tend to bash Christianity (the most) and any other faith that believes in the existence of God.

I do not understand this.

While I am an individual, one thing that I will always do is respect the beliefs and rights of others. So many people feel and have experienced hatred and hurt from people who call themselves Christians.

For this I am very very sorry. I don't know what I could do to change anyone's mind about a painful experience they have had.

BUT...there is ONE thing I can do.

The one thing I can do is LOVE you. And him. And her. And them.

And I can pray for you. And continue to pray, even if you talk about me and belittle my beliefs. I would not do that to you. Because that is NOT the way God and His son Jesus raised me, as a daughter (by the saving grace of Jesus).

Bless you all.

Peace.

Rejection

...well, it really hurts to be rejected. Especially when you've never been rejected in a particular area of your life before.

I will give you a very good example.

I'm used to getting asked out by the men I am attracted to, or even those that I'm not necessarily attracted to. Yes, I need to lose weight, yes, I may not be every man's "cup of tea", but I can still pull 'em. ;)

So....if a man that I'm attracted to (and who admits he is also attracted to me) rejects me, I am taken aback. What?! How did that happen?

My feelings get hurt. I may go cry in my closet (or in a corner) about it. I may spend a few days in a funky mood, trying to figure out why this guy doesn't want me. What did I do wrong? So on and so forth.

Well....

Do you know what I'm learning?

It's more about my reaction to the rejection than the actual rejection itself. I can choose to wallow in self-pity, become self-righteous, or proceed to talk bad about the person who has rejected me.

OR....

I can learn from my rejection AND (most importantly) move on.

Rejection is supposed to be a learning tool. I feel that either you learn this was not for you, or maybe you need to work on some things. And not just to be "more attractive" or something like that. Maybe there is some personal issue you have that you have not yet resolved.

The whole idea is that this closed door is either so that a better opportunity can come along for you or so that you can continue your training or development to become a better you. Why be sad and sit and throw a "pity party" for no reason?

So...your story got rejected.
So...your boyfriend/girlfriend is done with you.
So...you didn't get the job offer.

We could go on and on and create a massive and quite extensive list of these same scenarios and situations. But, guess what? It doesn't change the fact that it's time for you to learn from this, GROW, and move on.

Let's move on together. Find out something new about yourself and make improvements.

That's what I'm going to do.

Peace.