What About Your Friends?

I understand more and more why it is important for people to have a strong sense of family. In fact, I would almost make a case for having more than one child. My son's ninth birthday was this past week. My blessing. My sweet, wonderful, kind, loud kid. I love him so. All he wanted was a party full of friends.

I'm so glad he's such a great soul with a kind and loving spirit. The majority of his friends didn't come to his party.

My husband is fuming, stewing, brewing mad. I, on the other hand, am calm on the surface. Meanwhile, I'm contemplating my next chess move.

Why is it that adults get in their feelings and why does it always affect the kids?

I hope my husband's theory - that our friends thought we planned our son's party on purpose during their event - is false. However, their silence and lack of acknowledgment of my son's party is suspicious.

I need to bring in the big guns on this one. Time for a phone call to mom to get her opinion and advice on the situation.

Hopefully this will all turn out with a happy end.

Peace.

What to do

Right now, this very moment, I'm up watching TV. I'm not sleepy, but I should be. My mind is racing because I'm very unhappy.

This post will be short because I really don't know what to say. Things are not what I hoped they would be at this time of my life. I really need a breakthrough, break out moment.

I have said often this year, I need some really good news. Today is no different.

I need to get out of this funk, but to be quite honest, I don't see my way out of this one.

Maybe I need to take a walk...

Peace.

Summertime and Lemonade

So, today is my official first day of summer. Technically, that's really tomorrow, but I plan on staying up late reading and being a hermit...and doing some girly beauty treatments, lol.

I am slightly obsessed with Beyonce' and her newest project, Lemonade. I am a fan of hers, and while I haven't always liked every single song, I appreciated the anger in this album. It was very passionate, and whether or not it speaks to her relationship with her husband, it hits on a lot of different emotions women of varying ages can identify with.

I especially love the songs "Sorry" and "Sandcastles". In my opinion, there are lots of good cuts on this album.  I also appreciate the visual work, and watch it privately at every opportunity I get.

Well, I think I'll get back to watching Lemonade and maybe watch it one more time before the boys get home from baseball practice. Watching this givees me some great story ideas...maybe it's time for a little writing before dinner.

Love and Peace.

NSWR

What is wrong with me????

I need, want, and crave your attention. I live for five seconds of your time. This cannot begin to satisfy me and I long for more. I LONG FOR MORE. Desperately, hungrily, I search to check my phone to see if I have missed your call. I am worse than an addict going through withdrawal. I want you. I need you. Just to hear your voice and to talk to you makes me right. My body relaxes and my blood pressure returns to normal. You stabilize me. How is this possible when I have someone I love with my whole life and soul and heart and mind? Or is this a lie and are YOU the one I truly love? Why can't I get you out of my head? My heart? My everything? Why does this separation feel like punishment? What did I do wrong? Don't you want me? Am I not good enough for you? I need to know.

My desire borders obsession and I stalk you, silently, without you knowing. Behind the scenes on every social media outlet you habitat, I am there. Looking to see if you wrote anything,  checking to see if you might possibly be thinking of me....

Do you ever think of me? Am I the only one who can't eat, sleep, or drink without checking to see if you've called or texted? Do you smile when you see I have called? Does your mouth make that grin only you can make when your phone beeps because of a text from me?
If I don't call, do you worry?

Did you ever love me? Do you love me now? Have you ever been in love with me? Do you miss me at all?

...what is wrong with me? Why do I care so much when you make it so clear? I am so foolish when it comes to you. I embarrass myself to the point of shame. What is wrong with me???

You might be the death of me....I have to find a way to get over you.

Ten years later...

and you still take my breath away. I still fight every urge to call you, to the point I make myself physically ill so I won't call you. But I still call you. I have no willpower when it comes to you. One word, one glance, one breath from you and I would come running, abandoning my entire life for you. I would leave it all if you said, "Come." One single syllable would bring me to my knees and my entire world crashing down around me. I am crazy for you. I am desperate for you. My heart skips a beat at the mention of your name. I can't eat or sleep. I toss and turn, trying to make myself stop thinking about you. You consume most of my waking thoughts and all of my sleeping ones. Your touch, your scent, your voice...the feel of your hand on my cheek...I feel lost without my thoughts of you and yet, if I had you, I don't know if you would want me. You are my personal enigma, the challenge I cannot conquer. The puzzle I cannot solve.

You make me crazy. You make me sane. You would complete me if you would take a chance.

You will never know how deep my love is or how long it would run. My heart is yours to break or to heal and to cherish. But I know you won't.

You never will.

And so, I will pretend to ignore the lump in my throat at the thought of your name. I will pretend I can't sleep because of work. I will blame my unhappiness on my new life changes that happened suddenly and without my doing.

I can act like a Hollywood Star.

Only you and I will know the truth.

I just want....you.

Interesting how this keeps coming back up in some form or fashion...

So...I wanted to post this to my blog, partly for the healing that I get from writing and getting all this stuff out, and partly because I need to vent.  I can't keep holding on to this stuff.

It's so funny, when you honestly walk away from people and situations and you do your best not to say anything negative about them or the situations that caused you to separate, but yet and still, in some way or another, you end back up in their mouths.   Or their conversations with other people.  Or their writings with others.

I don't write anything or say anything about anybody else in general because I want to be happy.  And if I do say something about someone else, it's because I want to uplift that person.

I promise.

It's so funny how people who think they know you or who thought they knew you never did.  NEVER. DID.  I truly believe that I loved people that did not love me.  Or, at least they did not love me as much as I loved them.  It was a very hard lesson for me to learn.

And I'm not saying that I think I was the greatest friend or even that I was a best friend to each of them.  I was a friend to these people, though, so for me, this is extremely personal.  And I'm a sensitive person.  Things that have to do with friendships really touch the core of me.  Part of this I believe stems from being an only child for almost six years; it was just my mom, dad, and me for a time.  I remember that time.  I can only say that I fondly remember that time, but I was alone.  I have always felt a little alone, even in a crowd.  Just alone.  Not necessarily lonely.

For once in my life, with these folks that I believed were my friends, I didn't feel alone.  I felt that I belonged.  With them.  I did.  I loved them.  I cherished them.  And I gave my 100% into our relationships.  Maybe even more than that.

Looking back on it it's so funny.  My father used to tell me I was trying too hard.  He felt like I was running behind them.  WOW.  Parents have eyes to see things that you think you know.  I value my father for his wisdom.  I should have listened MORE to my Daddy back then.

I definitely had a broken heart.  And it's so funny, people tell lies even about why you do what you do when they have no earthly idea about what and why you are doing what you are doing.

I thought they were my FRIENDS.  I honestly thought that.

What was I thinking?

Even after all these years, even after all this time passing, and for me, leaving and not coming back, it still hurts.  It still bothers me.  And I need to tell this story.

I need to get all this out of me.  It has no place in my life, and I feel that this keeps me from being closer to the people I care so much about.

My husband told me I need to write it out.  And I will.  I started a book and I need to finish it.
The book is pure fiction, but it's so funny; he read part of the story and feels like it's semi-autobiographical.

As much as he might be right, he's not.  It's really just a book that incorporates some of my experiences into the story of four girls and two guys.  :)

I think that it will be what I need to get over this once and for all.

I better get back to it, huh?

Thanks for reading. :)

Peace.

I watched the Stellar Awards...

and do you know what my greatest takeaway was?  Honestly, the people of God need to get healthy.  I'm talking to myself, more than I'm talking to anyone else.

Watching all the different groups and recording artists perform, I was a bit shocked by how many people were winded after a performance.  I was struck by the size of the artists, also.  Now, I'm a big girl and I've been that way most of my life.  That is not the problem.  These people were GORGEOUS, do you hear me? Handsome, beautiful people...

BUT

They were very out of shape.  Even those who seem to be in good shape (aka "thinner").  No, most of them needed to lean over or hold their side, or catch their breath, longer than a normal type of catching your breath after a performance.  I know being on a big stage brings adrenaline, and you do move around, but you shouldn't be holding your side and practically wheezing directly after.  Sheesh.

I mean, folks weren't dancing on stage like at a Michael Jackson concert, no, there was only some light choreography.  Seriously.  No one was running across the stage non stop for five minutes.  They were singing, yes, but no real extra strenuous activity.

WE.  ALL.  NEED.  TO.  GET.  HEALTHY.

Yup, and that was my biggest takeaway.  I'm serious.

I'm taking the challenge.  Will you?

Think about it.

Peace.