My Head Hurts

It really, really does. So, I'll just come back and write later. I really haven't blogged in a really long time, and I honestly thought I would get back into it, but the truth is, my school work, working at a school, and being a mother, wife, sister, daughter, and friend is kicking my a$$.

Anyway, life still presses on, and hopefully this headache will subside long enough for me to enjoy this evening with my husband and son. I really love being with them, and I realize how blessed I am to have this family.

Especially when I think that four years ago, almost five, I didn't have the prospect of a husband, nor was I going to get married. In fact, somewhere in my head, I had settled on being an amazing aunt and teacher, my students being all the children I needed or wanted.

I'm so glad that God, who knows the desires of our hearts better than we do, wouldn't allow me to get comfortable in that frame of mind. He knew that I gave up a career because I wanted a family - in fact, He pushed me into teaching. :)

So, here I am, celebrating my life, and loving every single minute of it - the crazy, not so fun, mean, nasty, and ugly minutes, too.

Thank God for Sean and Dray. My two men. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Peace.

Politics and bull-ish

So....I'm probably happier than most about being off of work for the Spring Break season this year. I am totally overworked. Underpaid doesn't even get to be the word I use because, I'm not even getting paid - I do the work of a teacher, grading, teaching, creating lessons and all of that, but no paycheck. AND I'm in school. AND I'm probably doing more than I should be doing by definition of what my internship is (in writing, anyway)...What kind of foolishness?!

I'm sure you're wondering if I understood what I was getting myself into. I certainly did think I knew, but to be honest, this has been the hardest six, seven months or so that I have had in a very long while.

I guess it's nice to know that those cliche's and sayings are true - hard work really does pay off. My cooperating/supervising teacher for this semester basically told me he was happy with the job I did teaching. And, that's super important to me, simply because, frankly, he is allowing me to take over his classes. I hope I'm doing a great job. I know I really want to do a great job.

I'm really happy to do it. I love teaching...

But the hustle isn't over yet...after the 16th of April, it's back to subbing, and I'll need to meet my 90 day obligation to the county, so I'll be trying to work every single day...EVERY single day...let's hope for the best, and pray about the rest!

Have a great one, friends!

Peace.

Wow...

So, I was watching Ruby today...I missed the season premier! But that's okay, I saw the episode today, and I got all emotional watching it.

I can totally identify with her about those missing memories and just wondering why...I also understand the denial, and knowing what is fueling my issues with weight.

I'm so emotional because I am so fortunate to have an amazing small group and we are starting a new book on forgiveness, and I realize that most of that forgiveness really starts at the root of everything.

I need to forgive some very close relatives and some not so close, in order to really start processing some things...

I won't be going into detail much in this entry; I don't know if this is the time, but I do know that I am thankful for the opportunity of a new day and the chance to do something amazing in it.

It's my job, now, to do that, to work, to live, to love to the fullest.

I am so tired of that "kind of"/"sort of" life. I want the biggest, boldest, most beautiful (I know "beautifulest" is not a word...lol) life I can possibly live.

It is time.

I hope that you can find that same truth in your own life, and begin to let things go so that you can move on. :)

Love and blessings.

Oh, the weather outside is frightful...

And the family is soooo delightful! LOL!

I'm actually enjoying this time...and to be honest, at first, I was very, very upset. I was thinking...oh, great, I'm gonna be stuck in this awful apartment for who knows how many days, and all I'll be able to do is eat and sleep...(insert expletive here)!

But, truth be told, I got a real calming in my spirit very late last night. I realized that this opportunity was given to me by God to get myself in order...to get some things accomplished that I had been putting off, simple mundane tasks, like cleaning my room and organizing things...catching up on some reading, and also to reconnect with my husband a little bit.

This is a great time of reflection, and of really seeking and listening to God. Honestly, what else do I have to do? It is a blessing to have this time to do what I need to do, and prepare myself for the tests and challenges to come.

I have no reason to complain...I am blessed with heat and energy, when others around me have lost power for days. I have plenty of food to eat, and great company to share it with. :)

I have movies to watch, games to play, books to read, and journals to write in...and this blog of course. ;)

With that being said, I also have projects to complete, rooms to organize, and the time thanks to God, to do it all in.

So, my friends, if you've been complaining about the weather, perhaps this is a time for you to look inside yourself; maybe there is an incomplete task or project you now have time to complete. Maybe there is a person you need to talk to on the phone or in person, if you are fortunate enough to be able to get around. Maybe this is the time to write down that epic "To Do List" that we all talk about. Maybe it's just a time to sit still and...be.

Whatever you choose to do with this time, know that the time is all yours to use...do your best to use it wisely.

Bless you all, and may you all be safe, warm, and happy.

Peace.

It will all be worth it

This afternoon, on my way home from work, I was listening to Mary Mary in my CD player. The song they were singing was entitled "It will all be worth it". This song basically talks about how those of us who believe in Jesus will have that peace, that eternal life that is worth living right on this earth for.

Tears began to fall, and fog up my glasses. My thoughts immediately turned to my uncles - My Uncle Charles, who we said goodbye to in early May, and my Uncle Ural, whom I barely knew, who we said goodbye to shortly after Thanksgiving last year.

My thoughts went to my cousins, all of them, and their parents, and the loss they have to endure until that day.

Until that day when "it will all be worth it".

One of the lines of the chorus, the best line, I think says, "Though you can't see it now....one day, I know you will."

Nikki, Angie, Treecy, Nieka, Man, Carlos, Bruce, Aunt Mary....it will all be worth it.

We will see them again. We will.

And, though you can't see it now...one day, I know you will.

I love you all so much.

Three Little Birds

So right now, I mean, literally, at this very moment, I have the song "Three Little Birds" playing in the background of my mind. That is one of the best songs that I have heard from Bob Marley. He has some good ones, but this one just makes me feel good inside.

It also usually plays in the back of my mind when I'm feeling really reflective and whatnot, and that is exactly what is happening to me today.

Yesterday, Dray and I took Sean out to the park and it was soooo cold. But, it was a crisp, clear, beautiful day. I loved it. Every minute of it, in fact, and I thought about how much I missed living so close to our family.

The truth is, though, if I really think about it, I like living in Maryland. I don't want to move back home. And, even if I said that out loud, I think it wouldn't make the decision to stay there or to move home any easier.

I haven't said it out loud, but I'm writing it, right? :)

My decision to just write is mostly because I know in his heart my husband wants to move home to Texas - the sooner the better. He misses the closeness of his family, living near our parents, and all of that. The thing about it is, though, that we both know the opportunities to do what we truly want to do are somewhat limited here. I hate that, but it is what it is. There isn't much we can do about that.

Also, I truly believe there is something that God wants us to learn, to do, to achieve, to master, or just to experience before we can return to the place we love most. I hate being so far away from my closest friends and family, but the truth of the matter is, that every single time I've moved in my adult (and almost "adult") life, God has directed the move.

He's not directing a move any time soon. In fact, He's established us in Maryland for a few more years. So, that's why I know there is something He has for us there in Maryland that we cannot have or obtain by living in Texas right now.

I wish I could say it is easier, but...

And I want to add this, just for those of you who don't really believe in God, or even in a Higher Power.

There is a voice, or something, inside of you that lets you know if something is right or wrong. Lots of times, people say things like, "I had a gut feeling". That is the same thing. My gut says to stay in Maryland and wait for the amazing breakthroughs and opportunities that will come your way.

I'm not going to argue you down that there is a God, but I definitely want you to think about it. And, I might add, if you are really in tune to your "gut", it never steers you wrong. ;)

Just some food for thought.

Have a wonderful reflective day, and may this New Year, as it approaches, bring you closer to the place you were destined to be.

Peace.

It's been a long time

and I haven't written. My apologies. This semester in school has definitely taken its toll on me. I am exhausted, mentally and all. I've been fairly ill as well, fortunately, not any H1N1, but, still, a nasty cold I cannot seem to shake all the way.

I feel like the lyrics of one of my favorite Rascal Flatts songs - "I've been burdened, blamed, trapped in the past for too long..."

This entire year has been a bit of a struggle. Financially, it's been rough, but God is definitely good. This is something that has been taken care of as the year has developed.

Personally, I've lost two uncles, and watched my family from both my Father and Mother's sides of the family deal with their loss. First my Daddy's only brother, only sibling, and older brother passed in April. Then, my Mama's second oldest brother, passed away right before Thanksgiving.

Through all of the ups and downs, I can honestly say that I am so thankful to God for my family and my friends.

I know that this year hasn't been the "favorite", but I do know that I have learned and grown so much; I am a survivor, and I come from a strong heritage of survivors and THRIVERS.

I look forward to what this new year will bring. And even though I have seen set backs with my weight loss program and some other areas of my life, I have a healthy, happy son, I have a wonderful loving husband, and I am okay.

Yes, I am okay.

Peace.