You know, lately, for about a two week period, I've been feeling, literally, like the world is on my shoulders. Dray and I are just a few dollars from having no place to live, I need a better job, another job, or a great combination of those two thoughts, we've got an offer to move to California at great cost and expense to us personally, meaning we would be giving our lives to take care of children who need it desparately, and I feel super disconnected from the people I serve in ministry with each and every Sunday. I have a writing assignment that was due to my teacher in December, I haven't really written anything since I was home for Christmas, my parents are a bit upset with me, I didn't get to spend much time with my people while at home, and I deep want and need a shoulder other than Dray's to cry on.
Do I pray? Yes I pray. Do I read the word of God, trying to hear what God is saying to me in His written word? Yes, not as much as I should, but yes. And I have found some comfort there.
But, what about the rest of it? Where is it? Where is the human element that I know is missing in my life right now? It's not my small group's responsibility all the time. And, it's not fair for me to constantly burden these beautiful women with my issues every other week. (Which I do, by the way, and I sometimes wish I could get my mouth to stop moving and spilling all my guts when I go to small group...)
At any rate, I guess I've said all that to say, I'm hurting. I'm trying to press onward and upward and forward, but I need something more...I need something more.
There is something that is missing. If I need to spend more quality time studying and praying, I will do it...but I feel like I'm so disconnected from people lately. I'm tired of feeling like I'm standing around with open arms and no one is reaching out.
But poking my head back into my shell gets so lonely and tired...
Perhaps, though, it's for the best. If we move to California, there won't be many who really miss us, and it will be a little easier to move on...
I need to focus on me, I guess, right now. And listening for God's voice and His direction on what to do and where to go. I've got to work hard. I expect it. I must do it. I will do it.
Hopefully, I'll find a good friend or two along the way.
1 comment:
Hey, Nakeisha.Just wanted to comment on your latest blog entry. What you are going through and expressing in this blog is somewhat similar to how I feel and what I have been going through lately. And it's so funny that you said that you may be moving to Cali as an option. I have been thinking about moving there too! I need a change, a re-boost, and new life direction and I just don't feel like it's here in Michigan.It could be this weather too. I am literally so,so,so tired of snow and cold. But then I think about the people that I may be leaving behind and it makes me sad. Then I think that maybe it want be so bad because last year was a very interesting year for me in terms of friend and friendships. Some people I lost connection with for reasons somewhat unknown to me and then other people it was by choice. I am still sub. teaching and interested in working in the educational field but as always I would like my own business as well but it's kind of risky these days and I am still struggling with what it is that I truly want to do. I have many ideas about what I can and would be great at doing but then I get stumped!Uggh! I think about my mother and how much it will hurt her that I am leaving but then I think I need to live my life for me and she needs to start learning how to do the same. It's not easy and I know that you may feel lonely and lost in the world at times-at least that's how I feel at times. These days I just feel conflicted...but you have friends and people that do love and care about you.Real love and friendship will stand those tests of times. Without judgment and prosecution. I still continue and press on to what I want to do and what I should do. I don't have a simple answer for you. Because I don't have one for myself.LOL! But what I can do is offer love, support and help. Just keep searching and praying and ask your loved one's to search, pray and press on with you.
Love,
Your Friend Shanell
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