And the Biggest Loser Is...

So, tonight, well, technically at the midnight hour of this Sunday morning, I was watching last week's episode of The Biggest Loser, which I had missed, sadly.

As I was suspecting, the Silver Team, the only Black team remaining, was eliminated. But, I'm not crying foul because the sistahs got voted off. The teams all made the right decision, and Carla, the only one on that team that gave a good gosh darn, knew that they were.

I felt terrible for her, and, it made me think of all the past relationships I've had with people, including the whole "keeping up appearances" blog post last year.

What made me mad and compelled to write was Joelle, Carla's best friend, now no longer her friend at all, seemed to get all "foggy" and "I don't know to what you're referring" on Carla when she (Carla) wanted to address some of the issues she had with her (Joelle) upon leaving the ranch.

Joelle wasn't having it, talking about how it was the past and she wasn't going to participate in repetitive behavior, and rehash old things.

I don't like people like that. People that don't give you a chance to say what you feel or to express your thoughts about a point in time that you shared together or disagreed about.

Joelle clearly had "moved on" (I highly doubt it), but she wasn't willing to let Carla say her piece and clear the air. Carla expressed, finally, that she guessed Joelle was never her friend in the beginning.

About three women in particular, I feel that way. The one that hurts me the most is the one I was friends with the longest, and still, in fact, I appear to be friends with, but really am not. She is friends with a woman who never liked me (that is a story for another post, trust me...people really are a trip, especially when they don't talk to you directly about something or someone you supposedly have some sort of relationship with...) currently, and they are very close, and became close after my friend and I had a "falling out" if you will.

My friend, who I was the closest to and had the most in common with, really froze me out the months/weeks before I moved from Texas. I tried to apologize to her, to mend the fence, and I honestly, still to this day am wondering why she didn't confront me in the beginning before it grew to some sort of problem. I had known her since I was six years old, and, at the age of 26, I thought she would consider me a sister and cuss me out if need be for something I did wrong. I would have done that with her simply because I loved her like my own blood.

But she did not. Instead, she decided at the last minute she didn't want to room with me on our church's women's retreat. She barely invited me to her birthday celebration. She stopped answering my calls and barely returning them. For a period of two weeks, she ignored me, literally.

Oh, I cannot tell you how deeply that hurt me. I loved that woman, and I still love her, but I realize that she didn't want me as her friend.

I cried over that, I prayed over that, I tried to figure out how to make it all up to her. I did. I would put my hand on any bible, swear to the truth of that in any court. I DID.

I got no response from her.

At the request of her brother, last year (Christmas 2007), I reached out to her, I sent her an e-mail last year, she was invited to (and attended) my wedding, and, still, she has no time to address that thing. Or anything with me.

What I've found, especially with the women of my younger days, is that, maybe they really didn't care for me at all. I can't imagine somebody really caring about you and then totally cutting you out of their life like you never existed and replacing you, no less, before you knew you had been cut out.

I have written letters and burned them, to release the feelings and some of the hurt. I have cried, and prayed, truly, prayed, asking God to give me more wisdom.

I know that I can honestly say, no matter what I have done in my life, especially concerning these three women, I never did anything from spite or maliciousness. It may be hard for them or other people who know our stories to believe, but I always had the best intentions. ALWAYS.

I know from experience that good intentions don't always result well, and I can accept my shortcomings. I ask for forgiveness. From all of them, and for myself from myself. That is all I can do. I cannot do anymore.

I accept the fate of things for what they are. One day, I hope for complete closure from this, but for now, I can be happy that I tried, and haven't given up on any of them.

My arms and heart and doors have always been open. They have never been closed. But, I'm not going to allow this impasse we have between us effect my hopes, dreams, and goals for past, present, and future relationships with women, like I have been doing.

Here's to pressing on, and letting God work on each of us. I don't want anymore of my relationships to end up like Joelle's and Carla's.

I can be the biggest loser of my pride and selfishness. I hope they read this.

But, even if they don't, I hope you, my friends, learn something from me. We all could use to lose a little weight in the pride and selfishness area.

Thanks for reading.