My Father's Daughter

So....

I had to let a few days pass since I got the news my parents would be helping us out with a few expenses before I posted this blog. I had to let those days pass simply because I was hurting, I was upset, I was angry, and I needed to be sure that when I wrote, it was not out of anger, frustration, or hurt.

My goal would be to communicate that I am hurting, but not go beyond that into a place by saying things I would later regret.

It is very important to me to think before speaking as well as before writing because, ultimately, in the end of everything, only I am responsible for what I have said and done. No one else.

Okay, so, the reason for writing this is to discuss a very deep and personal misunderstanding that occurs between my parents and I.

To the entire universe, I would say my parents are the best parents on Earth. They loved us, raised us to love God, our fellow man, and each other, and they allowed us to dream big and think outside the box. They encouraged us to be multi-faceted, and to learn about others cultures, languages, everything, because they believe in the collective power of diversity.

My mom and dad rock!

However, as with anything, there is another side. This is the painful, hurtful, deep cutting and even deeper wounding side.

My parents have also judged me harshly, falsely accused me of doing things I did not do, called me names, told me they didn't know who I was because I wasn't acting like their child, and so on, and so forth. They have also made me feel as if I could never please them, that I make poor decisions, that I don't know how to properly take care of myself or my family.

The thing is, even when I've tried to talk to them about it, they seem to be nothing but defensive, and even when I come with the utmost respect and humility. They don't remember things that have transpired between us, as well as taking no responsibility for things they may have said or done.

This hurts me deeply. In fact, in asking for help, which I did this past week, I was made to feel less than, inferior, as if I made poor decisions and continue to make poor decisions, stupid, and alone.

I really needed to feel their love and support, and instead I felt judged and unwanted. As if I was bothering them.

Now, let me tell you, I work hard not to ask my parents for anything. I put myself through college on scholarships, and through grad school on scholarships and loans, and I went out of my way to make sure I would not be a burden on my parents.

So, why do I feel like I've failed them and myself because right now, in this moment, I need help?

That's all I've got to say on this...I can't write anymore. This just hurts too much.