Thoughts of Sean, and Sade

So, technically last night, but, since I'm still up, it would be tonight for me, I put Sean to bed. Sometimes, he wakes up, and I or Dray rush in to his room to get him back to sleep.

Tonight, since I was already anticipating him waking up once, I was ready to run in and fulfill my parental duty. Sean woke up, as expected, and I got him back to sleep, pretty quickly. In fact, he laid back down the moment he saw me come into the room, almost as if he, too, was expecting me to hear him and come in and sit by his cribside.

I sat and rubbed his back, as he drifted back into la-la land, and I decided to stick around for a few minutes. I love watching him sleep, and I just sat there, taking in the rhythmic rising and falling of his chest, watching the peacefulness of his face, his long eyelashes gently caressing his face as his eyes were closed, seemingly effortlessly on his part. :)

I'm a music nut, so, when I'm just sitting in silence, in my head, there's usually a song or two playing, and, while I was sitting there watching my beautiful son, the song by Sade, By Your Side, kept running through my head. I just sat there, in awe, thanking God for this beautiful little creature He entrusted to me and Dray, while the following lyrics were running through my thoughts.

From the chorus: "Oh, when your low, I'll be there, by your side, baby. Oh, when your cold, I'll be there, to hold you tight, to me." And then, from the bridge: "And if you want to cry, I'll be here to dry your eyes. And in no time, you'll be fine."

It made me think about how all of us start out as lil bundles of joy. It also made me wonder how my parents thought of me, my brothers, and if they looked at me and eventually, us, with the same wonderment and awe and thankfulness and humility and responsibility that I now look at my son. It also made me wonder when that all changes. When do we stop being our parents' little wonders and when do we start drifting away from each other, or growing closer as adults or separate human beings?

Here's an example, that happens to be from my own perspective.

My parents had me at an early age. They were in college, in fact, when I was born. Since they were both determined to finish school, I was shuffled, quite happily, between my mom's family and my dad's family. The good news was that both families lived in the same state. The bad news was that their families lived four hours away from each other in the same state. No big deal, though, because, as it is now well known, both of my parents' families get along famously well with each other. Between all the cousins, grandparents, brothers, sisters, aunts, and uncles, everyone combines to make one really big happy family. It's truly a blessing.

Suffice it to say that my mom, dad, and I kind of grew up together. Having said this, I've always wondered if they view me somewhat as a little sister and less as a daughter. I've always been curious about this, simply because there were times in my younger life when I felt like I really needed a mommy and I had a best friend, who was wiser and smarter than me. There were times when I felt really distant from my father, and that's because of a terrible event in my youth that I don't really discuss (please see previous blogs to put it all together if you'd like). I felt like I needed a dad and I got someone who just, well, was looking out for my best interests, but didn't express it in the way a 12 year old girl needed to hear it.

I get that my parents have their own parent issues, and even some scars that they've never discussed, perhaps, and why would they, with my brothers and I. But, in my day to day, I wonder how much of what I wanted or needed from them will affect how I parent my own son.

I hope that I will always be emotionally and mentally available to my son, whatever the situation or circumstance. I will pray that this is so, and ask God to give me discernment about how to speak to him. I don't want my words to damage him in any way, and I especially don't want to make him feel less than or that he's not good enough because of what I've said.

I don't ever want to break a promise to him or not keep my word. If I cannot deliver something, I will pray that I will always be honest and straightforward, meeting him where he is in my effort to explain or tell him the truth about anything he may have asked, and tactfully deflect when he is not yet old enough to understand.

Now, please, don't think that my parents didn't do these things. In fact, most of these things they did very, very well. My brothers and I were raised by two of the most loving and caring individuals on the other side of the Mississippi (remember, I'm from Texas, y'all). However, I know what I needed and sometimes didn't get, and sometimes still don't get. And I want to make sure Sean gets everything he needs.

Sometimes, I wish I was closer to them - meaning that, I would like to sit in my mom's arms and cry and tell her how much of a failure I feel, and have her lovingly tell me how much of a blessing I am, not tell me that I need to get up, get a job, get moving, etc., etc.

I feel like my dad sometimes wants to do that but he's not quite sure how, and I know I don't help, because I stay away. I should probably call more, even though we really don't stay on the phone long, and I should probably just express how much I love them more.

And maybe they would do it back, probably not, but, at least I can try. I just can't stand the awkwardness I feel sometimes between us, like there's something they want to say but don't, and me, having so much to say, to ask, but I don't.

I just want to feel the loving arms of my mom and dad around me, caring and loving me like they did when I can remember it, when I was little. When a scraped knee or a stomach flu was comforted by hugs, loving touches, and just the knowledge that they would be there for me.

I'm starting to cry now, but, I know that this is part of my process. I've got to take a good look at everything, and I know my relationship with my parents is something I must address.

Thanks for reading.