I've been trying to sit down and write, actually, for several days now, but I just couldn't bring myself to blog because I would be rambling and just roaming from one thought to the next. I want my blogs to generally start and end somewhere, so, I stayed away for as long as I could.
I just can't avoid the inevitable. I must write. This must happen. So, I'll start from my point of wandering and try to bring it to a neat and polished closure.
My uncle died on Wednesday evening, at approximately 9:30pm, while I was in rehearsal, as I usually am on Wednesdays. My mother called me about 10:30, as I was on my way home from rehearsal, and she let me know he had passed. She called me Tuesday to inform me that he was dying and they were just really waiting to hear the news.
I cried as much as I could possibly cry and not have my poor husband concerned for my mental health. In other words, true to Watson form, I cried for about 10 minutes, or less, and then I was finished. Well, in front of him, anyway. I spent the rest of the day crying in spurts on Tuesday, just making sure that I was alone.
In times like these, I'm the type of person that wants to be alone, brooding, if you will, reminiscing with my thoughts and all the things I would have wanted to say or the scenarios that I wish would have happened. This is truly the case with my uncle.
My uncle, who was in his early 50s, was my father's older brother. Since it was just the two of them, they were very close growing up. As they got older, though, something happened.
I don't know what that something was, but I believe it involved my grandparents, and my uncle pulled away, if that's the best way to describe it, from the family. I don't know why, but I'm positive the family pulled away a little from him, too.
For years, I never really met my uncle, nor did I really know him, but I talked to him occasionally on the phone. My father and mother decided one year, along with my mom's sisters, my mom's mom (my other grandma), and my dad's parents that all us kids and grownups should visit Florida. Take a trip to Disney world. And, since my uncle and his family lived about an hour away from Orlando, we would stay with them.
This was the first time I remember meeting my cousins in the flesh. I've been told stories about how we used to stay with my Granma and PaPa together, but I don't remember. I was too young.
I loved them instantly, and I think they really liked us, too. It was great knowing I had a girl cousin my age, especially since I was surrounded by all the boys - my brother and my aunt's sons - on the trip. In fact, we became pen pals and wrote each other almost religiously throughout our middle school years and into high school. We lost touch a bit once we got to college, and then, nothing for years, to this very day, actually. We even got married within a month of each other. And we're born about a week apart. How's that for uncanny.
The same thing started to happen with my uncle again, but some very key things kept that from turning into years without contact. My grandparents started visiting him and his family in Florida. I was very happy about that. My uncle kept planning on coming to Texas to visit us. He never quite made it, though. I think I was upset about that for a while. And, through a few other incidents within the family, he began to keep in touch with us a little better.
In fact, he started coming to one of our annual traditions - the Mother's Day reunion. It was always so wonderful to see him and my Aunt Mary - they would even bring friends with them, but my cousins never came. I was saddened by this, but I came to understand that there was some rift between them and my uncle. I don't know the whole story, nor do I need to, but, it kept them away for a long time.
Now, as I prepare my own family to embark on a trip to say my final goodbyes to my uncle, I am thinking of how bittersweet this all is. For the first time in life, I will be meeting my cousin, Julius, whom I have never known, nor know anything about, and is my uncle's oldest child. And, all my cousins will be there - 'Neka, Man, and Carlos. And, hopefully, their families, too, whom I have also never met.
To be so close in bloodline, we know nothing, really, of each other, just a few memories here and there. This must change.
Please, friends, don't be like me. Not really knowing your first cousins, so much so that you would pass them on the street and not know who they are. Learn of your people, your family, your heritage. Love them, and know that even if you have differences in beliefs, religion, or anything else, you are family, you belong to each other.
God gave us all to each other to love and to care about and for one another.
Never forget that. And, please, learn from my family. I hope that we can build bridges and make those connections that exist and last for our children. Family is super important, and I think we've forgotten that in this society and culture we live in. Love your family, friends.
Love your family.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
What is the deal...
with people who say they will show up for something, or participate in something, and then, at the last minute, after all the bows have been tied, money has exchanged hands, and places have been reserved, do people call to cancel, or, even worse, just not show up and not even call???!!!
I feel that is one of the most disrespectful things to do, and it shows something of your character. I understand that things happen at the "last minute" that are pressing and require immediate attention, but those rarities are few and far between. It's those jokers who RSVP and who promise over and over that they will be there, the ones that you count for, even if you feel like maybe you shouldn't, but you want to be safe, so you do anyway, that mess it all up.
That is the only thing that gives me pause about planning events or get-togethers because people flake out on you at the "last minute", with no good excuse, or even so much as a courtesy call.
Even if you don't have that much respect for yourself, try to have some for your reputation and either call if you truly have had a situation or circumstance that prevents you from attending an engagement you have given your word to attend, OR, at the very most, keep your word and show up for the event, even if only for a few minutes, to show that you are a person of integrity.
Yes, people, it is the little things. Really, it is.
I feel that is one of the most disrespectful things to do, and it shows something of your character. I understand that things happen at the "last minute" that are pressing and require immediate attention, but those rarities are few and far between. It's those jokers who RSVP and who promise over and over that they will be there, the ones that you count for, even if you feel like maybe you shouldn't, but you want to be safe, so you do anyway, that mess it all up.
That is the only thing that gives me pause about planning events or get-togethers because people flake out on you at the "last minute", with no good excuse, or even so much as a courtesy call.
Even if you don't have that much respect for yourself, try to have some for your reputation and either call if you truly have had a situation or circumstance that prevents you from attending an engagement you have given your word to attend, OR, at the very most, keep your word and show up for the event, even if only for a few minutes, to show that you are a person of integrity.
Yes, people, it is the little things. Really, it is.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Moving on...
Well, today, I was at small group, my one actual delight out of the week, besides singing on Sundays and church, too, and we were all discussing things that we are compelled to do, things we have been weighed down by, things that we would change, if money and such were no object...and it was really great. I really enjoyed everyone's comments, their viewpoints on things, and, in general, just having the opportunity to be among my peers and have open conversation about spiritual matters and practical ones, too.
A special shout out goes to Jamie, who I was SUPER EXCITED to see today, especially since I haven't seen her since before her trip. Yay! I think we think a lot alike...she just says it so much better than I do. But, I like writing, so maybe I write better than I speak? Hopefully so...
Anyway, I'm going to take Jamie's advice today, and make an accomplishment list of things that I've actually done in my lil lifetime. I say lil because I definitely haven't been here on the earth long enough to think I'm old, no matter what my younger brother says. ;P
This list is going to serve as my motivation to continue to try to get that leg over the edge and get out of my boat! So, here it goes...
My Accomplishments
...more accomplishments to come, but for now, I'll be continuing to move on...
A special shout out goes to Jamie, who I was SUPER EXCITED to see today, especially since I haven't seen her since before her trip. Yay! I think we think a lot alike...she just says it so much better than I do. But, I like writing, so maybe I write better than I speak? Hopefully so...
Anyway, I'm going to take Jamie's advice today, and make an accomplishment list of things that I've actually done in my lil lifetime. I say lil because I definitely haven't been here on the earth long enough to think I'm old, no matter what my younger brother says. ;P
This list is going to serve as my motivation to continue to try to get that leg over the edge and get out of my boat! So, here it goes...
My Accomplishments
- Singing in concert at church at the age of 3 or 4, I think. I definitely traveled and sang with my grandfather, Reverend Charlie Watson, when I was 3 and 4.
- Being able to write in cursive at age 5. That's just neat.
- Winning the lunch with the principal contest at Bruce Shulkey Elementary in 1st grade.
- Being invited to participate in the first E.A.G.L.E. class held at my school.
- Writing my first play in the third grade. It was about a flower garden. I also directed.
- Being the top five in the nation in Bible Verse Memory at the National Baptist Convention of America. That was sooooo crazy being on stage in front of all of those people...
- Becoming captain of my church's drill team. I was elected by my peers, and that meant a lot to me that they trusted me to be a good leader.
- Having a book "published" in my elementary school library.
- Becoming a Mustang Wrangler! Wow, who remembers that? I was a captain, too.
- Winning the first talent show ever held at my elementary school.
- Going to regionals for extemporaneous speaking in 7th grade, and for my poem recitation of one of my favorite Shel Silverstein poems about a sad clown who was accidentally funny.
- Getting inducted into the National Junior Honor Society, and before I left Crowley schools, joining band and playing the clarinet.
- Being in Mr. Spangler's band in 8th grade.
- Meeting Ms. Paula Bledsoe, and having her get me into debate and geography contests...our debate team was hottt! And I got second place in the geography contest I entered. :)
- Becoming a YFC at the end of my freshmen year of high school.
- Winning various awards in Spanish at the Language Fair my junior year.
- Meeting Mrs. Batlle and Mrs. Murray and having them as teachers.
- Being a finalist for the National Merit scholars. I was a National Commended Scholar.
- Becoming a National Merit Scholar. And a Superintendent Scholar. And a four year Tandy Scholar.
- Being a Natural Helper, mentoring kids, and other volunteer activities.
- Being a band section leader two years in a row.
- Becoming co-editor on the Newspaper staff in high school, and getting some great editorial pieces. I was also on the Yearbook staff.
- Taking 7 AP tests, and passing 5 of them. I became an AP Scholar, a pretty decent award given in each state...I just wasn't traveling to Austin to pick up my plaque.
- Organizing a "fan drive" for the elderly at my church, asking stores and church members for donations to keep the older folks with older homes (meaning no AC) cool during the summer!
- Completing the Transformation Program. This program changed my life for the better, and really made me think about the person I wanted to be.
- Getting scholarships to just about every college I applied, including full scholarships from FAMU, University of Alabama, Washington University, NCA&T (My alma mater), Howard University, Dartmouth, and the list goes on...
- Graduating in four years with two degrees - a B.A. in Spanish and a B.S. in Industrial and Systems Engineering. Yup. Praise God, and I graduated Cum Laude (with honors).
- Making the Dean's List all four years of college.
- Being inducted into Alpha Lambda Delta honor society, Sigma Delta Pi honor society, the IE honor society, and the Golden Key honor society.
- Marching in the Blue and Gold Marching Machine - I loved that band. I learned so much by being a member of this organization.
- Becoming clarinet section leader in the Blue and Gold Marching machine. Again, a position I was given, not one I asked for, and I was overwhelmed and honored.
- Auditioning for and making the Award winning Gospel Choir at NCA&T. I just never actually joined. My loss. :(
- Running the Algebra Lab for BCDI-Greensboro. I was asked to do it after only one year of volunteering.
- Getting a full fellowship to the University of Michigan for graduate studies in Engineering.
- Getting my first full-time job as an engineer. I was so proud that day.
- Becoming a volunteer for the Tarrant County Women's Center.
- Becoming a Fort Worth Jaycee, and being put in charge of the Habitat for Humanity project.
- Becoming a teacher.
- Meeting the guy God meant for me, and making a committment to him.
- Becoming a Mommy.
- Having really good friends who love me and challenge me to be better.
- Being a big sister to two really great guys. I love you!
- Having a relationship that is constantly growing with my parents.
- Auditioning for and making Zion's P&W team. I overcame some serious fears.
- Teaching Sean to say "please" and "thank you" and the clean up song...and he cleans!
...more accomplishments to come, but for now, I'll be continuing to move on...
Thursday, April 16, 2009
The Biggest Loser Challenge
Hi, everybody! So, this is information specifically for anyone who is interested in competing in our Biggest Loser Challenge.
The contest will begin MAY 1ST, As in two weeks from this coming Friday.
Everyone is competing as INDIVIDUALS, but you can train with others if you would like.
Remember, each INDIVIDUAL is responsible for his/her own weight loss. There are no teams in this challenge.
All INDIVIDUALS must weigh in each week and post their weekly weight online with a photograph as well.
To keep it legal, and to keep us all accountable to each other, I am opening up another blog page devoted to our Biggest Loser challenge. You can send your weekly measurements along with a weekly photo to me either on Facebook or to my e-mail: nsroland@ymail.com.
The measurements will be posted, not with your weight, but by how much percentage of weight you have lost each week. (I know that posting your actual poundage can be a bit much for people, plus, since they actually determine the winner by how much percentage of weight has been lost on the Biggest Loser, I thought it would be best to stay true to that).
Of course, this means you will have to be honest and send in your starting weight to me on May 1st, and then how many pounds you have lost each week thereafter. I will calculate everyone's percentages and have them posted by the next day.
ALL WEIGHT MEASUREMENTS AND PICTURES ARE DUE EACH FRIDAY BEFORE MIDNIGHT, EASTERN STANDARD TIME.
All participants will be known by first name only, with the exception of people with the same name, in which case, the first letter of the last name will also be used.
I will do my best to have them posted on our Biggest Loser blog by Saturday, or, at the latest, Sunday.
All participants must choose their own individual color. Color selections are first come, first serve.
The following colors are no longer available - BLACK, BLUE, GOLD.
All other colors are up for grabs, so, pick something you really like! :)
Failure to submit weight measurements and pictures for two consecutive weeks will be automatic disqualification from the contest.
No weight loss supplements such as HYDROXYCUT, EPHEDRIN, PHEN PHEN, and other such "quick" weight loss pills may be used during this contest.
Protein shakes and supplements are allowed within reason. Please consult a physician or nutritionist (dietitian) for proper usage and dosage of such supplements.
If you think you would like to take supplements or you know of something that you are currently or will be taking, please let us know on May 1st so that all can be made aware.
Body fat calculations will also play a role in determining a winner. We realize some people have more fat to lose (even "thin" people have fat to lose), than weight, so to speak, and this will also be a factor in the final outcome. Dray wants me to tell you that muscle gained during your weight regulating program will not be counted against you.
This is a contest, and, although every week on the TV show, someone is voted off, there will be no voting off here. Every person who starts the challenge will continue to have an opportunity to win.
The prize for our Biggest Loser Challenge is a ball to be thrown in the honor of the winner. The ball will be held the month following the end of the competition.
Due to the geographical locations of participants, there may be more than one ball to accommodate the winner(s).
The competition begins May 1st, 2009 and ends December 31st, 2009.
For any other questions, suggestions, or concerns, please reply to the blog post or to me on Facebook.
Good luck, and I am looking forward to seeing who truly will be the Biggest Loser.
The contest will begin MAY 1ST, As in two weeks from this coming Friday.
Everyone is competing as INDIVIDUALS, but you can train with others if you would like.
Remember, each INDIVIDUAL is responsible for his/her own weight loss. There are no teams in this challenge.
All INDIVIDUALS must weigh in each week and post their weekly weight online with a photograph as well.
To keep it legal, and to keep us all accountable to each other, I am opening up another blog page devoted to our Biggest Loser challenge. You can send your weekly measurements along with a weekly photo to me either on Facebook or to my e-mail: nsroland@ymail.com.
The measurements will be posted, not with your weight, but by how much percentage of weight you have lost each week. (I know that posting your actual poundage can be a bit much for people, plus, since they actually determine the winner by how much percentage of weight has been lost on the Biggest Loser, I thought it would be best to stay true to that).
Of course, this means you will have to be honest and send in your starting weight to me on May 1st, and then how many pounds you have lost each week thereafter. I will calculate everyone's percentages and have them posted by the next day.
ALL WEIGHT MEASUREMENTS AND PICTURES ARE DUE EACH FRIDAY BEFORE MIDNIGHT, EASTERN STANDARD TIME.
All participants will be known by first name only, with the exception of people with the same name, in which case, the first letter of the last name will also be used.
I will do my best to have them posted on our Biggest Loser blog by Saturday, or, at the latest, Sunday.
All participants must choose their own individual color. Color selections are first come, first serve.
The following colors are no longer available - BLACK, BLUE, GOLD.
All other colors are up for grabs, so, pick something you really like! :)
Failure to submit weight measurements and pictures for two consecutive weeks will be automatic disqualification from the contest.
No weight loss supplements such as HYDROXYCUT, EPHEDRIN, PHEN PHEN, and other such "quick" weight loss pills may be used during this contest.
Protein shakes and supplements are allowed within reason. Please consult a physician or nutritionist (dietitian) for proper usage and dosage of such supplements.
If you think you would like to take supplements or you know of something that you are currently or will be taking, please let us know on May 1st so that all can be made aware.
Body fat calculations will also play a role in determining a winner. We realize some people have more fat to lose (even "thin" people have fat to lose), than weight, so to speak, and this will also be a factor in the final outcome. Dray wants me to tell you that muscle gained during your weight regulating program will not be counted against you.
This is a contest, and, although every week on the TV show, someone is voted off, there will be no voting off here. Every person who starts the challenge will continue to have an opportunity to win.
The prize for our Biggest Loser Challenge is a ball to be thrown in the honor of the winner. The ball will be held the month following the end of the competition.
Due to the geographical locations of participants, there may be more than one ball to accommodate the winner(s).
The competition begins May 1st, 2009 and ends December 31st, 2009.
For any other questions, suggestions, or concerns, please reply to the blog post or to me on Facebook.
Good luck, and I am looking forward to seeing who truly will be the Biggest Loser.
Friday, April 10, 2009
What Dreams May Come
So, this past Sunday, Palm Sunday, if you will, while at church, I was listening to Pastor Battle talk about forgiveness. Focusing on the words Jesus spoke before He died on the cross. The first phrase, was "Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do."
Pastor Battle talked about how important forgiveness is to each of us, every single day of our lives, and especially to ourselves. I took the message in, thinking about all the times in my life when I needed to forgive someone, and I have tried hard and worked hard to forgive others.
In reflecting on my past, and present, and all the opportunities I have to forgive, I realized I was leaving one person out of the forgiveness circle. It was me. I definitely leave myself out of the forgiveness plan. Forgiveness for me? Nope. Not gonna happen. Sorry, self. You don't get to be forgiven.
I thought some more about why I felt that I did not deserve forgiveness from myself. Deep down, I believe I punish myself for not being perfect, or completing various tasks, assignments, and duties to the ability I believe I can complete them. I sometimes mentally bang my head against a wall and call myself "stupid, stupid, stupid" over and over again. I know this to be true.
So, in thinking about how I punish myself for being imperfect, knowing that I can never be perfect, I came to the conclusion that I perfectly set myself up to be disappointed and discouraged in myself all the time. This leads to low self-esteem and perhaps to other problems, like relationship -wise, with former friends, current friends, with my family, with people I care about and love.
So, tying all this in with the message, I couldn't help but think of a character in one of my favorite Robin Williams' movies to date - What Dreams May Come. In the movie, Robin Williams' character is married with two kids - a boy and a girl. He dies, and goes to Heaven, but he is taken on a journey to find his family, because no one was there, waiting for him, as he had been told and imagined.
In fact, in the movie, his wife was in Hell. In the movie, Hell was a truly awful place, more of your own personal prison than anything else...but I'm not going to get into the philosophical nature of everything...I digress.
Through flashbacks and dialog, you discover what happened to his family and how it became torn apart. The most revealing relationship was the one between Williams' character and his wife, played by Annabella Sciorra. Throughout the movie, and towards the end, various characters and Sciorra herself revealed to Williams why they had drifted so far apart. The best line in the movie was her answer to him as to why the tragedy they experienced had destroyed their lives and why grief was killing her, literally. She answered him, simply, "Because you didn't join me."
This line brings me a plethora of memories every time I hear it or even think about it. "Because you didn't join me." I start to wonder if perhaps I can't find a way to forgive myself because I don't think that anyone wants to join me - to join me in my healing, to join me in my pain, to join me in my hurts, sorrows, struggles.
I think, above all else, I just want someone to join me. To validate me, that I have the right to feel the way I feel, and to help me realize I can forgive myself. Because it's truly okay.
On Sunday, while Pastor Battle was preaching, I realized that someone had already joined me. That someone had been there - to join me in my pain, to join me in my hurts, sorrows and struggles, and to join me in my ultimate healing.
His name is Jesus. And he's always been there. Even when I didn't recognize it, even when I didn't see Him, even when I was too blinded by hurt, pain, and self-destruction. Jesus joined me. He took all my pain, my hurt, my sin, my sorrow, my struggle, and He filled Himself with it - and He died, carrying all that, so that I didn't have to anymore.
I am free to forgive myself. I can finally accept forgiveness. Wow.
I'm just going to let that settle in. May you all have a wonderful Easter season, and please, remember, you don't have to beat yourself up and make yourself the least. Jesus has already joined you. He's always there, and He loves you, especially when you don't love yourself.
Pastor Battle talked about how important forgiveness is to each of us, every single day of our lives, and especially to ourselves. I took the message in, thinking about all the times in my life when I needed to forgive someone, and I have tried hard and worked hard to forgive others.
In reflecting on my past, and present, and all the opportunities I have to forgive, I realized I was leaving one person out of the forgiveness circle. It was me. I definitely leave myself out of the forgiveness plan. Forgiveness for me? Nope. Not gonna happen. Sorry, self. You don't get to be forgiven.
I thought some more about why I felt that I did not deserve forgiveness from myself. Deep down, I believe I punish myself for not being perfect, or completing various tasks, assignments, and duties to the ability I believe I can complete them. I sometimes mentally bang my head against a wall and call myself "stupid, stupid, stupid" over and over again. I know this to be true.
So, in thinking about how I punish myself for being imperfect, knowing that I can never be perfect, I came to the conclusion that I perfectly set myself up to be disappointed and discouraged in myself all the time. This leads to low self-esteem and perhaps to other problems, like relationship -wise, with former friends, current friends, with my family, with people I care about and love.
So, tying all this in with the message, I couldn't help but think of a character in one of my favorite Robin Williams' movies to date - What Dreams May Come. In the movie, Robin Williams' character is married with two kids - a boy and a girl. He dies, and goes to Heaven, but he is taken on a journey to find his family, because no one was there, waiting for him, as he had been told and imagined.
In fact, in the movie, his wife was in Hell. In the movie, Hell was a truly awful place, more of your own personal prison than anything else...but I'm not going to get into the philosophical nature of everything...I digress.
Through flashbacks and dialog, you discover what happened to his family and how it became torn apart. The most revealing relationship was the one between Williams' character and his wife, played by Annabella Sciorra. Throughout the movie, and towards the end, various characters and Sciorra herself revealed to Williams why they had drifted so far apart. The best line in the movie was her answer to him as to why the tragedy they experienced had destroyed their lives and why grief was killing her, literally. She answered him, simply, "Because you didn't join me."
This line brings me a plethora of memories every time I hear it or even think about it. "Because you didn't join me." I start to wonder if perhaps I can't find a way to forgive myself because I don't think that anyone wants to join me - to join me in my healing, to join me in my pain, to join me in my hurts, sorrows, struggles.
I think, above all else, I just want someone to join me. To validate me, that I have the right to feel the way I feel, and to help me realize I can forgive myself. Because it's truly okay.
On Sunday, while Pastor Battle was preaching, I realized that someone had already joined me. That someone had been there - to join me in my pain, to join me in my hurts, sorrows and struggles, and to join me in my ultimate healing.
His name is Jesus. And he's always been there. Even when I didn't recognize it, even when I didn't see Him, even when I was too blinded by hurt, pain, and self-destruction. Jesus joined me. He took all my pain, my hurt, my sin, my sorrow, my struggle, and He filled Himself with it - and He died, carrying all that, so that I didn't have to anymore.
I am free to forgive myself. I can finally accept forgiveness. Wow.
I'm just going to let that settle in. May you all have a wonderful Easter season, and please, remember, you don't have to beat yourself up and make yourself the least. Jesus has already joined you. He's always there, and He loves you, especially when you don't love yourself.
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