Wait, Weight, Wait!

Yes, I'm using these two words and playing with them. In a fun way.

As I've posted, I'm realizing how much these pounds are a part of me. Literally a part of me. Not just like I'm wearing a fat suit and the real Nakeisha will step out of it, but that they are truly part of me.

I want to write about some serious things. Speaking of which, I've come to the realization that for all my silliness and desire to have a good laugh, I'm an extremely serious person. Seriously. I take everything seriously, to a degree. And I know how to loosen up and laugh at myself and others so we all can feel good from time to time, so I don't notice it as much. But, for real, I'm one serious chick.

So, in writing about serious stuff, here we go.

I was a fun loving, singing all the time lil girl. I love to sing, still to this day, and I wanted to be a singer and a mathematician. Funny, i went to school to be an engineer and I sing in my church's Praise and Worship ministry. I love it!

Anyway, somewhere along the line, sometime between, maybe 4-8 or 9 years of age, I lost that little girl. I honestly have years or parts of years missing in my memory somewhere between ages 7-9, and I know why, but that is highly sensitive and privileged information. I am dealing with that, and I feel that has something to do, also, with why I turn to food.

I'm fast forwarding to the time my parents moved my brother and I to a new school district in my 8th grade year. That year alone, I'm sure I gained about 30-50 pounds. I was depressed, separated from my friends, and even though I was making new ones, I hated my school. What changed was one amazing teacher who gave me a new lease on my school again - Ms. Paula Bledsoe. She was truly a God send. I was blessed by God because of her, and I know He meant for her to come into my life. I also met and made a friend for life, in D.D.D. She is the best friend in the world to me, my sister, my accountability partner, my prayer partner, everything...I love her with everything there is to love, and more than that. God is truly good. He brought her to me as well, and I thank Him daily.

Around this time, I began to lose weight, partly because I became more physically active, and partly, I think, because of peer pressure. The weight didn't fall off, but there was a difference in my clothes and everything. I lost weight. It was good for me.

Then, I picked up quite a few pounds my junior and senior years of high school. My mother had a baby, my beautiful baby brother Alexander, and I felt more responsibility to my family. My dad wanted her to stay home with him, and I wanted to help out by trying to pay for some of my own school expenses, like my letter jacket, senior pictures, all that stuff. I did a little, but my parents ended up paying for most of it, and, some things I went without. I stopped working to help my mom at home and I felt guilty I wasn't paying my own way and taxing their resources because they just had a little baby. Also, I was stressed and a lil bit crazy taking seven AP courses and the tests to get college credit (which I did - an entire semester's worth of class credit). And, I broke up with my boyfriend whom I was very serious about (and of course I was - he's now my husband!). And I was growing apart from my childhood friends at a rate that troubled me, and I felt it was my fault solely. My parents didn't trust me as much as they could because they thought I had done things with my boyfriend that I HAD NOT DONE, and so, I was alone.

And I ate. And I cried and I ate.

Towards the end of all that, right before I went to college, I started taking better care of me and I lost a little bit, but, I had ballooned to 256 pounds before I left for college. I was a mess.

My freshmen year of college I lost thirty pounds. My sophmore year, I gained ten back.
From then until I returned to Texas after graduate school, I gained weight every year.

In Texas, the two and a half years or so I was there, I lost sixty pounds. I was on fire to lose it all.

I moved to Maryland and in the past three years I've gained back all the weight I lost and then some. Sad, isn't it? But I've had a few events here that have helped me eat my way back to my present size.

I said all of that, to say this: I am dealing with all the reasons I am the size I am today. I will be uncovering some deep hidden things, feelings, and I want to be openly honest about them. I don't want anyone to be hurt in this process, but I realize that I have to be true to my perception of things at various points in my life, whether I was right or wrong, or somewhere in between.

I hope that anyone who reads this that has known me for years does not take offense or is hurt by anything that may be written. Please know that anything written is not to hurt or defame others, but to help me put the pieces together and move forward.

Okay, I've heaved a big sigh, and I can now rest. Good night, all.

Wall Squats, Sweat and Tears

Before I get too deep into this post, let me say I may post twice today because I had two separate blogs running through my head, one of which I should have published several days ago but didn't.

Sorry.

Okay, so, the other day, I was doing some wall squats, it was, I think, in fact, Friday or Saturday, and I started getting emotional.

I was crying and, almost breaking down about it, and I was a little taken aback by how intense my emotions got over these wall squats.

I was thinking about all the times I've reached out to people and haven't gotten anything in return. Not a hug, a smile, or, what I really was reaching out for, a friendship.

Please don't think that I'm walking around giving people compliments, talking to people, sincerely asking questions, and paying attention to others so that I will then get attention. That's so not even my style.

What I'm talking about is, being open and honest, allowing myself to be clear and showing others my insides without anyone really showing that they care.

I'm saddened by this. It makes me wonder if I am not interesting enough. If people don't want to be around me for some reason. If I'm trying too hard and I come off as desperate and needy or lonely.

I may be lonely, but I definitely would not want to be perceived as desperate or needy. That is not who I am.

I can admit that I've been in a bit of a funk for a while. I heard a word used that I think describes me perfectly, at times - melancholy. I think I can be melancholic at times, and I was blown away when I heard the word. But, I'm veering off course...

So, in the midst of thinking about failed friendships and relationships of my high school and college days, then thinking about failed friendships and relationships of the past few years, some of which I am still smarting from, I started crying as I was doing my squats.

I didn't stop doing squats, though. In fact, the tears made me angry. I pushed forward with my routine, going longer and harder than I had planned. I made a decision, while I was crying, to take the pain and use it as fuel for me to keep me going, to push me past my limits.

I am going to be a better person, and every single one of these extra pounds, whether they be associated with a feeling, a person, a circumstance or a situation, will fall off my body.

And I will be reborn. And I will be, truly, a better version of Nakeisha. I can't wait to see her.

The Weight is Over....

and I'm soooo over my weight. I have finally come to the realization that I am attached to each and every one of these pounds I am carrying around. All of these pounds mean something to me.

I am ashamed and upset with myself for allowing my habits and lifestyle to create this very unhealthy and dangerous situation for me. And my family - my husband and son.

So, I'm going to be the change I need to see.

Here, I will become accountable to everyone who reads this, as well as to myself, and at least once a week I will write about what in the world is going on with me in regards to my weight.

I'm so sick and tired of it being the thing that is the white elephant in the room. I'm the largest of all my friends, I cannot go to amusement parks anymore and ride all the roller coasters I can to my heart's desire, I can barely fit into the Southwest Airlines plane seats, and there are some movie theaters I cannot go to because my hips won't fit in the seat.

Enough. No more excuses. I will honestly admit when I have been slacking, and I will hopefully, through these posts begin to put together the pieces and allow myself to shed all this weight - the emotional, mental and physical weight that comes with being the size I am.

Right now, I'm going to post my measurements and I will do so at least every two weeks to see if there is some sort of improvement.

I can't weigh myself accurately without a scale (and if you've read my other posts, you know we can't afford a really good one right now), so the measurements will be my source of accountability for now.

I don't know my actual weight, but I can give you an estimate. The last time I was weighed, I went to the national zoo, and my weight was 315 pounds, almost 316. I believe I have gained weight since then, but since I don't know for sure, let's just say I weigh around 320 - 325.

This is more than I weighed while pregnant with my son, believe it or not. I only gained about 28 pounds during my pregnancy, and I weighed 295 when I went to my first doctor's visit, so I probably had already gained 10 pounds from bloating and being two months pregnant. If you add that together, I weighed between 313 and 323 pounds at my highest while pregnant.

Okay, so I've got to do better. Diabetes runs strong in my family, and I am determined to beat it. I will not allow it to pass on to my son or to his posterity. I refuse, REFUSE to let this disease follow my family down through the generations as it has done for the past 50-60 years or more.

Here's my measurements:

Chest - 52.25"
Waist - 58.375"
Hips - 53.75"
Arm (Left) - 18.25"
Arm (right) - 18"
Thigh (Left) - 29.25"
Thigh (right) - 30"

Um, okay, I know these aren't the best accuracy, because I measured myself, but I'm pretty sure it's a good place to start. As a person that's taken my measurements several times before, I can tell you I see where I've gained in my chest, waist, hips, arms and thighs. This is hurtful to see, but as a person that likes math and numbers, this is how I've got to hold myself accountable and how I will measure most of my success.

There is much work to do. It will not be easy. I will hurt sometimes emotionally, mentally, and physically. But, I will be able to say, after it is all said and done, that I accomplished one of the greatest things in my life.

I hope you join me on the journey. God bless, and I'll be checking in with you soon.

Life is hard

and right now it seems bleak, too. I'm writing to keep from crying, I guess, and because seeing the worry on my husband's face, seeing the fear in his eyes and the disappointment in himself for not being able to take care of us adequately, in his mind, is a bit much to bear.

We're being evicted from our apartment, and prayerfully, we can delay the process or stop it completely because we really need some help.

I've been working at my part-time job since November and I just got a paycheck last week - in January. And on top of that, I'm not getting paid for the hours I was told I would...I'm sure someone would have told me this, but that's just too much like the right thing to do, isn't it?

And, Dray's just started working again steadily with a new client after having been the primary caretaker for one kid for so long - almost two and a half years.

This is truly a low point for us. We don't want to go home to Texas with nothing, barely a few dollars in our checking and savings accounts.

We need help. We need more than just a little bit.

Lord, please, hear our prayer and help us, as only you can. We need you in a way that I can't express in words. Maybe I will have to cry this one out.

What about your friends...?

You know, lately, for about a two week period, I've been feeling, literally, like the world is on my shoulders. Dray and I are just a few dollars from having no place to live, I need a better job, another job, or a great combination of those two thoughts, we've got an offer to move to California at great cost and expense to us personally, meaning we would be giving our lives to take care of children who need it desparately, and I feel super disconnected from the people I serve in ministry with each and every Sunday. I have a writing assignment that was due to my teacher in December, I haven't really written anything since I was home for Christmas, my parents are a bit upset with me, I didn't get to spend much time with my people while at home, and I deep want and need a shoulder other than Dray's to cry on.

Do I pray? Yes I pray. Do I read the word of God, trying to hear what God is saying to me in His written word? Yes, not as much as I should, but yes. And I have found some comfort there.

But, what about the rest of it? Where is it? Where is the human element that I know is missing in my life right now? It's not my small group's responsibility all the time. And, it's not fair for me to constantly burden these beautiful women with my issues every other week. (Which I do, by the way, and I sometimes wish I could get my mouth to stop moving and spilling all my guts when I go to small group...)

At any rate, I guess I've said all that to say, I'm hurting. I'm trying to press onward and upward and forward, but I need something more...I need something more.

There is something that is missing. If I need to spend more quality time studying and praying, I will do it...but I feel like I'm so disconnected from people lately. I'm tired of feeling like I'm standing around with open arms and no one is reaching out.

But poking my head back into my shell gets so lonely and tired...

Perhaps, though, it's for the best. If we move to California, there won't be many who really miss us, and it will be a little easier to move on...

I need to focus on me, I guess, right now. And listening for God's voice and His direction on what to do and where to go. I've got to work hard. I expect it. I must do it. I will do it.

Hopefully, I'll find a good friend or two along the way.

Ann Coulter scares me...

and people like her do, too. I have no problem with anyone who has conservative beliefs and chooses to vote and live their lives conservatively. In fact, I believe that everyone has conservative views on various issues. It just depends on the issue and the person. I know I have a few conservative views, myself, and although I don't affiliate with any major political party, I have no "beef" with either. I believe people should be free to think as they choose. What I hope, is that they all try to do the good and right thing, as I try to do the good and right thing.

It is a right and privilege that we all share to have our own personal beliefs and lifestyles. We live in the most open country, probably, in the world as far as what you can, do, say, be, etc.

Be conservative. Enjoy the far right, if you must, or if you want. It's your life. It's your choice.

However, where I draw the line, especially with Ms. Coulter, is at blantant and rampant intolerance.

Why, and how, can you be so intolerant to various backgrounds and ethnicities and live in the United States of America is beyond me. We are called the Great American Melting Pot for a reason.

There are people from every country, ethnicity and creed more than likely living in this great land today. Your neighbors, my neighbors...you and me...

So how can someone be so against that? How can someone be so divisive? How can anyone?

I am thoroughly upset, and knowing that people, who have intelligence, are walking around this country with such great intolerance bothers me and scares me...

As my husband would say, they have just enough smarts to be dangerous...

Be conservative. Sure. But, please, don't be intolerant.

I'm mad, derned it!!!

I truly hate my stupid phone. It's a Nokia brand phone I got because it has the 3G my husband wanted me to have for internet surfing purposes. Anyway, since I got the durn thing, it has had problems, culminating, unfortunately for me, in it's utter destruction and short circuiting on New Years Eve, just before it became New Year's Day.

I cannot express to you the utter upset and dismay I experienced at the hand of said phone. How, now, will I be able to wish my people Happy New Year, or call in to work, or...well, there's lots of other things I would do with my phone.

Not to mention now the photos, videos, and all that are now lost, especially precious ones like my sweet lil cousin, the newest addition to our family, lil miss Morgan Drew. Oh, yeah, and, of course, Sean. :P

Anyway, this just sucks, man...dang.

Okay, that's all. For now...

It's a New Day...

in a New Year. Happy New Year! I hope that this year brings you all that you work so hard to acheive, as well as all you hope and wish for.

This year, my husband and I have decided not to make resolutions, and I think that's mostly because we know that people break their resolutions within about four to six weeks from the date they start them, in most, okay all cases, on New Year's Day.

We are determined to grow better together, face our addictions and vices, and become healthier, better human beings and parents to our blessing, our man, Sean.

Hopefully, I'll get the opportunity to share with you some of our triumphs along the way in my blog. It's a goal of mine to be writing at least once a week here, but also hopefully everyday. I love my husband and my son, and our families, and I look forward to bringing you some of the fun and laughter along with the serious side of things throughout this glorious year.

It's such a blessing and privilege to be here, in this 2009. God bless you all, and make this year the best year yet!