Giving thanks...

Before I lay down and finally go to sleep, I just wanted to jot down a few passing thoughts I had today...

I have been thinking a lot about how I love Thanksgiving. It's my favorite holiday, and not because it occurs during my birth month, but because of the reason for it. It's a day to reflect upon all the things that are wonderful and good in our lives, something we don't do often enough, something that we should probably do at least once a week instead of once a year. Shoot, maybe we should do it every single day!

I'm not talking about stuffing your face until you fall into a coma or someone has to roll you out of the dining room into the bathroom, but reflecting on what's good and amazing in each of our lives.

I am so thankful for all of my family and friends - the old and the new, the lost and the found, the ones I see and speak to often, and the ones that I should keep up with better.

I am so thankful for the love of my life and our beautiful son, who is a miracle in and of himself, because he almost wasn't here...

I'm thankful for brothers, sisters, parents, grandparents, and all the wonderful familial relationships in between, the ones we are tied to by blood and the ones we are tied to by our hearts and spirits.

I'm so thankful for the different things I know I can do, my various hobbies, being able to teach again, singing, writing, laughing, crying, standing up for myself, encouraging others to love themselves more, and all the gifts, talents, skills and abilities I possess.

I'm thankful for differences, in appearance, opinion, for friends who fight so I can stay home safe, for family who risks life so others can keep theirs...

I'm thankful for any and everyone that's ever read anything I've ever written and gotten a different perspective, walked away feeling better about themselves after reading, or any other positive outcome.

I'm thankful for the freedom to express myself, and hopefully to help others do the same.

I'm thankful for life, for living, and for loving the life I have. I'm thankful for every morning I wake up, knowing that it's a fresh day with no mistakes in it (paraphrasing from my favorite fictional character, Anne of Green Gables).

And I'm thankful for dreams, knowing that one day soon, I'll be able to share my writing with the world, and have the chance to touch and affect change in people's lives for the better because of that.

And, thank you, for reading.

Facing fears and growing in the process...

Well, I did it.  I did what I said I would do.  I called up that sweet woman and told her the truth.  And, she and I had a wonderful conversation afterwards!  Wow!

It was so refreshing...she was warm and very receptive to what I had to say.  And I love her even more for that.  It was totally wonderful.

That makes me feel more powerful than I have in a long time.  There is a way to communicate differences with people without causing a terrible rift between you.  I am hoping that I continue to choose the path of peaceful and loving confrontation of my fears/disagreements and also that I continue to look within and question all of my motives and reasons for wanting to do or say various things.

I can totally sleep well tonight.  I've made a friend, and I've kept my integrity.  Thank goodness for courage to be better than I was...here's to pressing on towards an even better me!

XYZ? No, XYM - eXamine Your Motives

Sunday, at church, of course, I was writing notes and taking it in and being my usual "into the sermon" self, and I listened to my Pastor speaking on character.  Truth be told, I've been fighting internally with myself since before the last series he started, one called very simply, "Simple."

Why have I been wrestling and fighting within?

Well, that's easy.  I've come to the realization that I'm operating on autopilot, if you will.

For me, it's so easy to hide behind my mask (See my entry, about wearing the mask that grins and lies.  It's called Smileyface).  I wear a pleasant mask, an all smiles, love you cuz you're you, happy face kind that doesn't offend anyone, that loves everyone, that hopes everyone sees how caring I am...

well, the truth is, I'm hurting.  I've been hurting for years, and my hurts have come from the people I love hardest, most, and best.  My family, husband, very close friends.

What I've learned about myself, is that in the midst of everything I do, I have been doing it so others would be more comfortable with me, more accepting of me, more caring of me.

I haven't been doing them because I truly love to do them or even, perhaps, because I truly want to do them.

Sunday, the Pastor said we need to examine our motives behind what we do.  Asking ourselves simple questions when we go to do things - any and everything.  For example, do I really have a need to talk to certain people, or do I just want to appear to be needing of their expertise, so that I can get closer to them?  Or, am I really interested in this person as a friend, or do I want them in my life for the things that they can do for me or the people they can introduce me to?

Yesterday, I expressed to my husband something that had been troubling me for a while now.

I have a woman who comes to my house, once a week, to witness to me, and to have bible study, and so on and so forth.

She may think that I'm so into the study, she's doing a great work for God, etc, etc.  But, the truth of the matter is, I just genuinely enjoy her company.  I love her, and her sweet family.  She makes me feel good when I see her.  She's like a friend to me, and that's why I like her coming over.  I could care less about the bible study, and frankly, I could care less if she brought a friend.

I just want to get to know her better, to have her company, to know her family, to enjoy them, as friends.

I feel so guilty and terrible for not saying anything to her earlier, but, since I've been examining my motives, I am compelled to tell her the truth.  She's a wonderful, beautiful person, and she should know that her bible study is not my main objective in seeing her each week.  

I'm going to tell her today, hopefully this evening, because I love her as a person, and I would like for us to become friends.  Real friends, not just someone she comes to witness to and has an affection for.

It's not the completion, but the beginning of my journey.  Now, I've got to examine my motives with my family, with my friends, with people I know at church, with my music ministry, with everything in my life.

Because, in the end, as I'm constantly telling my husband, I just want to be right.  I've said that same refrain for years, at it still rings as true as it did the first time I ever said it.  

I just want to be right.  And whatever process I have to go through to get there, I will do it.  

Why?  Because I know my ongoing quest to be closer to righteousness will never end, but I can continue to improve.  And with the Lord watching and prompting and guiding, I will get better and better.

Besides, who wants to be perfect?  Once you're perfect, what can you practice to get better?  I enjoy the practice...and I know that sounds weird, but, every opportunity you get to make a decision and you choose the right one, hey, that's great practice, don't you think?

Back in the day, when you were with your friends out on the playground or in the gym or in the empty field behind your school (hey, don't ask, I don't have time to explain), and somebody had to go the bathroom, and they came back, but didn't quite have themselves together the same way they did before they left, someone would call out, "XYZ!"  Now, I don't know about you, but it took me a while to figure that out, and, fortunately, as kids, you don't mind telling your friends what things mean or explaining things, so one of my more "street wise" friends explained to me that XYZ stood for examine your zipper (X-amine Y-our Z-ipper), signaling to the person who needed to check him or herself that something wasn't quite right.

Nowadays, I don't have too many friends who still do that - we've all grown up past that stage, but when it comes to my motives, that's something no one has ever questioned.  But, maybe someone should have.  And, maybe someone should still today.

Thank God for the Holy Spirit.  He's my friend, whispering in my ear, "Kiki, XYM (X-amine Y-our M-otives)."  I need someone to prompt me, to lovingly ask, "Is that the real reason or is there something else?"  I just want to get it right.  And I know I won't every time, but, refer to my previous paragraph about practice... 

I'd better wrap this up.

So, folks, don't forget that thing we used to say on the playground when we didn't want to call somebody out really badly for not checking themselves before they left the restroom.  

But, with a twist.  

Not XYZ, XYM - eXamine Your Motives.

Whatever, man...

So, today, I'm in a pissy, apathetic mood.  Everybody and everything is someplace else on my list of things that are important to me right now and today.

I hate that feeling.  That feeling, above all others, is one of the worst, in my opinion.  I really mean that.  

I cannot say what brought on this feeling today, or why I chose to wallow in it...wait, I can explain why I'm wallowing in it.

But, now that I guess I've identified it, I need to move on past it, right?  I'll try.  I've got a killer headache, though, and I'm going to need some help getting past my apathetic feelings as long as I'm feeling physically like this...

okay, let's move on, okay?  All righty.  Promise.

So, I've got a new job, a part time job, not a real for real 40+ hour a week job, but something that is fulfilling - I'm teaching Spanish - and it gets me out of the house and interacting with people over the age of one (but he's so adorable...I'd stay with him forever this way...).

Anyway, this is a challenge because my students range from Kindergarten to Seventh grade.  That's an unbelievably wide range of aptitude as well as maturity and attention span.

I'm praying that God will give me the intuition, foresight and energy to do right by those Kinders...and the first graders...

As well as making sure my older students don't get bored with the material.  I'm gonna have to split the class.  Absolutely.  Must be done.  I hope I can do it!!!!

The kids seem like so much fun, though, so I just have to make sure I bring it everyday.  

Viva la Lengua! 

Love it!

We are a family...

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I can only say that in all of my travels, there is something that is so constant that only God (but who orwhat can truly rival Him?) and the sun rising and setting can rival it.  My family LOVES me...they LUVEM me, and I also feel the same way about them.  We are so close...and it doesn't matter how far away I go, I'm still my Daddy's "baby girl" and my Momma's "chick", my Alex's "Kiki", and my Anthony's "Kik".  I love you, and I will always be there to do whatever I can, as a daughter and a sister to support, help, and love you the best that I can.

It is hard for me to be away from them through hard times and good ones - I missed Anthony's high school graduation, for example - but no matter what, I am always received with open arms and an "I missed you so".  Soon, I will be making another big move (starting a family of my own), and I will miss more events...but deep in my heart, these people are me, and there cannot be a stronger bond - our love will continue to keep us together, and I thank God for blessing me with such love.

Rock on, Watsons, rock on.

This is for the big girls

And any of you who can relate to the thoughts of this blog.  I wrote this during my pregnancy, but the core ideals still apply, no matter if you are a big girl, such as I am, or not.  Enjoy

Original post, April 4, 2007

Yep.  So, it's official...and I know, it's been a LOOOOONG time since I've written anything here...but I've been sleepin', okay?  I guess it's one of those things that comes with pregnancy.  I'm literally in want of sleep.  Not that I would be the last one to shut down the party or the first one up to greet the day, but I could hold my own...

Anyway, this particular mood was brought on by weeks, actually, of this feeling I've been having.  I normally take a particular pride in my style of being.  I've gotten better over the years with my "image" if you will, and although those of you who knew me in high school KNOW I used to dress and dress well, in college, I relaxed my style a bit...

And let's just say that carried over slightly into my "grown-up" world, but not entirely.  Usually, I still arrived the most dressy person in a crowd, and that never really bothered me...I mean, why not?  Dressing well is nice, and we should care enough about us to do it, right?

Okay, so, that brings us to the present.  I am a walking, talking, HOT MESS.  I look HORRIBLE.  And I'm not going to blame my pregnancy for me walking around with my nails not looking right or my toes (which will be done this weekend, thank you), or my eyebrows.  No, it's not my heighted state of hibernation, or extra sleep.  I think that somewhere along the way I've gotten just...

COMPLACENT. 

Oh, that's an ouchie.  I honestly haven't seen my stylist, Mirna (shout out to the Locs Studio!) in over six weeks.  So, you know my hair is frizz and kink central.
It's all dry and whatnot cuz I haven't bothered to treat my own hair, which I could do...

And I'm sure that part of my complacency is that my mate is rarely around.  Usually, I'm into getting him "gussied up" and lookin' good, to match me, of course. :)  But, since I don't see him that often, and it's just me looking at me, I've let a lot of things go...

Thank God I believe strongly in personal hygiene, cuz maybe I'd skip a shower on the weekends if I could get away with it on my sleepin' in days...(but I haven't gone that far down the road, folks...)

All in all, I am beating myself up a lil bit for letting myself go this far down a dowdy, frumpy, "fat 'n happy" pathway.  It's not me.  I'm a diva.  Divas don't do dowdy, frumpy, or lumpy.

Just because I'm pregnant doesn't mean I can't still be beautiful.  And, hell, if I start giving a flyin' flip, maybe I'll feel a lil more beautiful, and I would like that.  Normally I feel like that lil girl on Willy Wonka that turned into a blueberry (except I'm a "goldenberry") or a big, round, yellow smiley face (with an extra dimpled chin...).

Okay, just wanted to sound off on that...my goal is to do better, day by day...and  hopefully, in getting regular pedis (which I try to do every two weeks...my toes MUST be cute, sorry) and taking more time to enjoy my pregnancy and pamper myself I'll rediscover that inner pretty girl that I just found out about a few years ago anyway...

Ahhhh...here's to finding my prettyness again...and letting go of my big Bertha mentality.

Peace.

Smileyface

We wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,--
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,
And mouth with myriad subtleties.

Why should the world be overwise,
In counting all our tears and sighs?
Nay, let them only see us, while
          We wear the mask.

We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries
To thee from tortured souls arise.
We sing, but oh the clay is vile
Beneath our feet, and long the mile;
But let the world dream otherwise,
          We wear the mask!

This poem by Paul Lawrence Dunbar is one of my favorite poems ever.  It totally describes the state of many of us who are descendants of slaves brought to this land from Africa.  Specifically, it speaks to the time period of Mr. Dunbar, but I believe it very aptly describes our lives in this nation, no matter how far we have come, especially with the election of President-elect Obama.  This poem is still very, very relevant.

Also, though, I am increasingly finding for my own personal view, that I see the words in a different light.  I see the words as applying not just to the differences between the way varying ethnicities/nationalities interact with each other, but also how we interact with everyone we know, especially people we know.  

I've been accused of wearing a mask for lots of my life.  Not in a malicious way, like "you are so fake, you're always wearing a smile", but just that people eventually realize that I'm almost always smiling.  It disturbs some people, like I have something I'm hiding beneath my "facade" of niceness and sweetness and smiles.  Others wonder what else is there besides the smile.  And, yet, most people don't really pay that much attention.

I can appreciate and be thankful for the people who want to get to know me better beyond my outer, winning smile.  I am so thankful for that smile, because it has gotten me through/past a few places, people, and things.

However, I find that I do wear my mask.  It's a smileyface.  I love it because it is so comfortable, it's so easy to wear.  It doesn't hurt me, and it keeps me safe.

It protects me from exposing the tender, vulnerable places in my life that need attention and care, and, sometimes, even a few pairs of loving eyes, hearts, hands and ears to look after them.  

I just don't want to open up.  I don't want to.  Why?

When I had friends, really close friends, people, young women, that I shared everything of me with, my trust was betrayed, and I came to the discovery that I did not really have close friends.  They may not have really wanted to be my friend after all was said and done.

Realizing that I put more into the relationship emotionally than the others makes me feel like I got taken for a ride.  It also makes me feel like no one really cares about how I feel.  Or what I think.  Or who I am.

Fortunately, there is ONE who does.  And He is closer than a brother.  I am so grateful for His love and care.

But, man was not meant to live alone, and although I have my husband and son, I need friends, too.  I need more than just my "inner circle."  I need real folks, real friendships, real lives to be part of, not just an outsider looking in.

I'm so tired of feeling alone in a crowd.  But I don't know how to change that....

I need a lifeline.  

I hope to find one soon.

But, until then, you can find me, wearing my comfortable mask.  

Smiling at you, as nice as nice can be.

Today's word of the day is

 Character.  Wow.  I'm so interested in how my character has developed over the years.  It's such an integral part of our lives...and I'm so amazed at what my character has grown to be.

Am I truly the woman I thought or think I am?  I must find out.  It seems that I'm constantly on a journey of self-discovery and re-discovery....this is an ongoing and never ending process.  It has to be...because I will never be completely grown.  I will always be growing.  

Merriam-Webster offers these definitions for the word character.  "One of the attributes or features that make up and distinguish an individual."  "The complex of mental and ethical traits marking and often individualizing a person, group, or nation." And, this also, "Moral excellence and firmness."

These definitions are by no means the complete composite that the dictionary holds. In fact, there are several other definitions that you may also know.  For instance, a character like a letter or symbol.

I want to focus on those other definitions above, though.  One of the attributes or features that make up and distinguish an individual.  The complex of mental and ethical traits marking and often individualizing a person, group or nation.

You know what those two definitions have in common?  The emphasis on the individual.  So, my character, and its development are entirely up to me.  I cannot rely on my family, friends, or any one else to make my character something to be proud of.  I am responsible for making my character something to be proud of, something to hold in esteem.  And let me be clear - positive esteem.  Also, let me add that one of the definitions I saw in the dictionary also mentioned reputation.  That is so important.  My character is part of my reputation so much so that it is my reputation.

Am I late most of the time?  Do I keep my house clean?  My car clean?  Do I spend more time at work surfing the web or texting on IM or chatting with co-workers than actual work?  Do I pass it off as networking?  Do I tell the truth, even when it may not benefit me personally, and may possibly hinder or hurt me?  If telling the truth hurts me or hinders me in any way, is it because I did not do the right thing to begin with?

These are questions that I must ponder, that I hope everyone ponders from time to time.

Not to prove how good you are, or even to hold yourself up to some impossible standard of living.

Just to work on becoming the very best person you can.  Knowing that there will always be room for improvement, but just continually striving to make each day the best it can possibly be.  As you.  As a human being walking on the face of this earth.  The blessed individual that you are.

One of the things my parents always told me and my brothers was they just wanted us to do our best.  Always.  If we came short of a goal, it was always okay as long as we know we put our all into it and did the very, very best we could possibly do.

Let us all try each day to do our very best.  And on the days we may fall short, let's not beat ourselves up about it.  Let's just continue to keep trying.  Practice does make perfect, and although we may never be perfect, we can certainly attain achievement at its best.

From the Archives - "I wanna be with...YOU"

Amazing - from 2006, I found this. Enjoy.  Wow, what a difference two years can make...whew!

Mariah Carey has a song...Track 13 on The Emancipation of Mimi...and I can't help but think of you everytime I hear it...because that is how I thought of you...and always had...until this year...

Here's the chorus...

And our love goes 'round and 'round,
Way up high,
A joyride,
We can touch the stars above,
We found love...
And our love was Heaven Sent,
From the day,
We first met,
We've got something they can't touch,
We found love....

So...I've been thinking about where I am...and where I am going...and who I love...and who I want to be in my life, and part of my life...and there is you.  What has happened?  Why do I feel the way I want to feel for you when I think of....someone, somewhere else?

When I go out, or when I meet someone who catches my attention somehow...something about that person or place reminds me of a place we once knew, or once visited, or once had together.  I've gone and been other places...and still think of you.  People remind me of the things that used to be - and I long for the days of old when you would walk into a room, and nothing in that room held any interest for me, but you.  Only you.

I miss feeling my heart skip a beat, or the butterflies, or you taking my breath away...and I believe that it should always be that way....

When someone else touches me the way that I wish you would, sometimes, I think of what happened to pull us apart.  Trust broken.  Hearts torn...lives forever changed in the process.  Lots of growing up.  

My rose-colored glasses will be gone forever.

And even though I will ALWAYS believe the glass is half full, I can understand and empathize with the person who sees it half empty, or a wholly full glass with air and liquid...

I like the feelings that I feel when I'm with other people...and the person I am...more like the real me...and that bothers me only in that our lives are about to change in a major way...and I shouldn't feel this way when we are entering a brand new chapter in our lives...

But what else can I do?  Except walk away...and you won't let that happen.
I love you...I miss being in love...

So, I pose a question to YOU...where do we go from here?

Do you even know who YOU are?  Will YOU ever know that I'm talking about YOU?  YOU may not even read this...

I just wanna be with....YOU.

From the Archives - "Putting things behind me"

An oldie but a goodie, originally written January 27, 2008.  Enjoy!

I was on MySpace this morning or late evening, depending on your schedule, and I came across an old college classmate's page.  Seeing that this person was engaged and had just had a baby, like me.  Looking at the page made me have an old familiar pang, and I thought to myself, 'why am I still thinking about this?  where, indeed, did this come from?  i've got a wonderful life with a wonderful guy and a beautiful baby boy...' I realized as I was continuing to look at pictures and read comments on this person's page, that even though we "get over" various hurts and disappointments in our lives, the memory of those things still carries the emotions you felt at the time.  Letting go, therefore, is a huge process that can only happen in great stages if the hurt was huge and major to your life, and should be almost instantaneous if it was something that lasted for only a brief moment as a blip on your radar. Now, don't get me wrong.  I know that ten seconds can change your life.  But, when it comes to hurts, pains, and general knocked-about things that happen in life (as they have and do and will), your response should be one of maturity and growth, as well as something that you have truly thought about, if not tried to plan for. I'm not saying this because I feel like I've acheived a certain level of maturity, but because I can recognize the growth in myself, as well as the places where I need to keep growing in order to catch up to the others. Having said that, even though there is a bit of regret and pain, I can wish them well, and thank God that my life is as wonderful as it has become. Here's to growth and maturity.

November 4, 2008

Here are the thoughts I penned while watching the most historical event of the decade to date.  I hope you enjoy them.

"Today, the marker of my 30th year, an amazing thing happened.  No, I'm not talking about my birthday party (hint, hint).  I'm talking about the election of the first African-American president.  Senator, and now, President-elect, Barack H. Obama.

I want to say that I pay homage to my grandparents, Reverend and Mrs. Charlie and Lonnie Mae Watson, and Mrs. Valena Lawson, and Mr. Percy Lawson (deceased).  I pay homage to my great grandparents and all my ancestors.

To all the men, women, and children who died, were beaten, bloodied, and bruised fighting for equal and civil rights.  To all the many white, black, red, brown, yellow, and all the many variations and shades in between who fought for voting rights for all men and all women.

I SAY THANK YOU.

I am overcome with emotion.  I am in awe and hopeful.  I am in awe that grassroots operations, when well executed, can and do work.

I am hopeful that one day my son will not be judged by the texture of his hair or the color of his skin, but, as Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. said, by the content of his character.

So far, I can honestly say that my birthday, November 4th, is, without a doubt, the very best day of the year 2008."

God bless you all.  And God bless the United States of America.