What to do

Right now, this very moment, I'm up watching TV. I'm not sleepy, but I should be. My mind is racing because I'm very unhappy.

This post will be short because I really don't know what to say. Things are not what I hoped they would be at this time of my life. I really need a breakthrough, break out moment.

I have said often this year, I need some really good news. Today is no different.

I need to get out of this funk, but to be quite honest, I don't see my way out of this one.

Maybe I need to take a walk...

Peace.

Summertime and Lemonade

So, today is my official first day of summer. Technically, that's really tomorrow, but I plan on staying up late reading and being a hermit...and doing some girly beauty treatments, lol.

I am slightly obsessed with Beyonce' and her newest project, Lemonade. I am a fan of hers, and while I haven't always liked every single song, I appreciated the anger in this album. It was very passionate, and whether or not it speaks to her relationship with her husband, it hits on a lot of different emotions women of varying ages can identify with.

I especially love the songs "Sorry" and "Sandcastles". In my opinion, there are lots of good cuts on this album.  I also appreciate the visual work, and watch it privately at every opportunity I get.

Well, I think I'll get back to watching Lemonade and maybe watch it one more time before the boys get home from baseball practice. Watching this givees me some great story ideas...maybe it's time for a little writing before dinner.

Love and Peace.

NSWR

What is wrong with me????

I need, want, and crave your attention. I live for five seconds of your time. This cannot begin to satisfy me and I long for more. I LONG FOR MORE. Desperately, hungrily, I search to check my phone to see if I have missed your call. I am worse than an addict going through withdrawal. I want you. I need you. Just to hear your voice and to talk to you makes me right. My body relaxes and my blood pressure returns to normal. You stabilize me. How is this possible when I have someone I love with my whole life and soul and heart and mind? Or is this a lie and are YOU the one I truly love? Why can't I get you out of my head? My heart? My everything? Why does this separation feel like punishment? What did I do wrong? Don't you want me? Am I not good enough for you? I need to know.

My desire borders obsession and I stalk you, silently, without you knowing. Behind the scenes on every social media outlet you habitat, I am there. Looking to see if you wrote anything,  checking to see if you might possibly be thinking of me....

Do you ever think of me? Am I the only one who can't eat, sleep, or drink without checking to see if you've called or texted? Do you smile when you see I have called? Does your mouth make that grin only you can make when your phone beeps because of a text from me?
If I don't call, do you worry?

Did you ever love me? Do you love me now? Have you ever been in love with me? Do you miss me at all?

...what is wrong with me? Why do I care so much when you make it so clear? I am so foolish when it comes to you. I embarrass myself to the point of shame. What is wrong with me???

You might be the death of me....I have to find a way to get over you.

Ten years later...

and you still take my breath away. I still fight every urge to call you, to the point I make myself physically ill so I won't call you. But I still call you. I have no willpower when it comes to you. One word, one glance, one breath from you and I would come running, abandoning my entire life for you. I would leave it all if you said, "Come." One single syllable would bring me to my knees and my entire world crashing down around me. I am crazy for you. I am desperate for you. My heart skips a beat at the mention of your name. I can't eat or sleep. I toss and turn, trying to make myself stop thinking about you. You consume most of my waking thoughts and all of my sleeping ones. Your touch, your scent, your voice...the feel of your hand on my cheek...I feel lost without my thoughts of you and yet, if I had you, I don't know if you would want me. You are my personal enigma, the challenge I cannot conquer. The puzzle I cannot solve.

You make me crazy. You make me sane. You would complete me if you would take a chance.

You will never know how deep my love is or how long it would run. My heart is yours to break or to heal and to cherish. But I know you won't.

You never will.

And so, I will pretend to ignore the lump in my throat at the thought of your name. I will pretend I can't sleep because of work. I will blame my unhappiness on my new life changes that happened suddenly and without my doing.

I can act like a Hollywood Star.

Only you and I will know the truth.

I just want....you.