So...I wanted to post this to my blog, partly for the healing that I get from writing and getting all this stuff out, and partly because I need to vent. I can't keep holding on to this stuff.
It's so funny, when you honestly walk away from people and situations and you do your best not to say anything negative about them or the situations that caused you to separate, but yet and still, in some way or another, you end back up in their mouths. Or their conversations with other people. Or their writings with others.
I don't write anything or say anything about anybody else in general because I want to be happy. And if I do say something about someone else, it's because I want to uplift that person.
I promise.
It's so funny how people who think they know you or who thought they knew you never did. NEVER. DID. I truly believe that I loved people that did not love me. Or, at least they did not love me as much as I loved them. It was a very hard lesson for me to learn.
And I'm not saying that I think I was the greatest friend or even that I was a best friend to each of them. I was a friend to these people, though, so for me, this is extremely personal. And I'm a sensitive person. Things that have to do with friendships really touch the core of me. Part of this I believe stems from being an only child for almost six years; it was just my mom, dad, and me for a time. I remember that time. I can only say that I fondly remember that time, but I was alone. I have always felt a little alone, even in a crowd. Just alone. Not necessarily lonely.
For once in my life, with these folks that I believed were my friends, I didn't feel alone. I felt that I belonged. With them. I did. I loved them. I cherished them. And I gave my 100% into our relationships. Maybe even more than that.
Looking back on it it's so funny. My father used to tell me I was trying too hard. He felt like I was running behind them. WOW. Parents have eyes to see things that you think you know. I value my father for his wisdom. I should have listened MORE to my Daddy back then.
I definitely had a broken heart. And it's so funny, people tell lies even about why you do what you do when they have no earthly idea about what and why you are doing what you are doing.
I thought they were my FRIENDS. I honestly thought that.
What was I thinking?
Even after all these years, even after all this time passing, and for me, leaving and not coming back, it still hurts. It still bothers me. And I need to tell this story.
I need to get all this out of me. It has no place in my life, and I feel that this keeps me from being closer to the people I care so much about.
My husband told me I need to write it out. And I will. I started a book and I need to finish it.
The book is pure fiction, but it's so funny; he read part of the story and feels like it's semi-autobiographical.
As much as he might be right, he's not. It's really just a book that incorporates some of my experiences into the story of four girls and two guys. :)
I think that it will be what I need to get over this once and for all.
I better get back to it, huh?
Thanks for reading. :)
Peace.
