Tears

I'm ready to burst into tears at any moment for any reason...and actually, it's just for one reason. 
I'll never understand why until it's all over, I suppose...but it's my own fault.  I suppose it has to do with choice.

While I'm not unhappy with my choice, in fact, I'm very happy with it, I still wonder about the other choice.  The other choice might have caused me to walk a very different path, but I might have been just as happy...or...

but I will never know.  I do know that I'm so sad right now because...well, because of him.

I just need a day or two to get this all out of my system.

I promise to return to my normal laughing smiling happy self.

Just not today.

Today, I need to let it all out.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Well! Have I got some things to share with you!

...it's been far too long!  I'm so sorry!  But, since I have posted, a LOT of things have happened.

First, my brother Anthony got married!  I was a bridesmaid, and it was absolutely wonderful.  It was such a beautiful and intimate wedding.  To be honest, there were a lot more people there than I originally thought would come for such a small affair.  But, it was...without trying to sound like a story...just right. :)

I enjoyed having such a great time with my family.  It was such an amazing time.

Also, we watched as much of the Olympics as we possibly could.  Both my husband and son were ready to evict me because I wanted ALL Olympics ALL the time! LOL!  I was a little fanatical, but I love sports, and the Olympics only comes around every four years!  ;D

My mother in law (Mom Roland) had open heart surgery.  I was not nervous about the surgery, in fact, I pretty much knew she would be fine...but it was my brothers in law that had me getting all anxious - that and the fact that we had to leave to return to Maryland on the DAY of her surgery!!!!

Initially, her surgery and my brother's wedding were scheduled for the same day (I can't make this stuff up!), but the doctor pushed the date back - and this was not the first time he had changed the date on us.  In July, we were expecting a call any day to head to Texas...but they rescheduled to August, and then changed it so we almost missed being with her, even though it hurt my heart so much to leave her. 

She's truly like my other mother.  No one can replace my Mommy, but my mother in law is truly my mother also. :)   I know some of you out there know exactly what I'm talking about.

Sean has completed his first week of Kindergarten!  So far, nothing but success!  He's happy and so are we!  And, yes, we photographed his first day as if he was a celebrity.  In fact, as Dray was filming a video of us walking into the school, Sean turned to him and said, "I'm getting really tired of this." 
LOL!!!!!  I couldn't help but laugh about it, poor kid - we did turn his first day of school into a celebrity paparazzi filled press conference kind of day!  ;P

My first day is on Monday, and I'm excited.  I had to endure a bit of drama, but trust me, that is for another post.  I'm truly excited and so grateful for this school year, and I look forward to all the blessings God has for me and my family this year.  I hope that the Lord shines his lovingkindness and goodness on each and every one of you! 

Peace.

So much....

since my last post.  I wanted to write and write and write.  I truly did.  Now, though, I just don't have it in me to do.

It's late, but this is very overdue.  So, what has happened since we last got together?

Well, I am no longer teaching math.  I will be teaching, instead, introduction to engineering and design, considering this is my background.  I'm excited about the challenge, but, it would be nice to get the opportunity to teach something for longer than a year or so before I teach a different subject I've never taught before. :)

I consider it an honor and privilege, though, because that must mean they (administration, etc.) believe I will be successful.  What more can I say and what else could I ask for? :)

My brother is getting married.  In about three weeks, actually.  I'm excited and happy for him as he prepares to embark on this journey.  Oh, and he's also taking the Texas State Bar next week.

Good times. ;)

Sean is going to Kindergarten, and as the days get closer, I become more of a wreck.  But, truthfully, inside of my inner mom watching her baby grow before her very eyes, I sense a calm coming.  He's the most wonderful thing.  I love him so, and I believe he will be a great success at school.

Okay, that's all I've got for now.  I'm off.

It was great to see you again.

I promise to update again...and hopefully sooner rather than later.

I should do this way more often than I do.

Peace.

I'm tired, and I need a break!!!!

It's almost the end of the school year and I have run out of steam.  I need a serious vacation, and I am doing my level best to keep myself from breaking down into tears at any moment.

I love my work and teaching is probably one of the best things that has happened to me.  However, I don't think that most people realize the drain, stress and strain it puts on your body, mind, and soul.  I know that each and everyday, there are educators across this great nation that go to work and give every single thing they have to their students.

This leaves their family and friends with what is left.  And I know for me, it's not fair to my son or my husband.  I definitely need to work on a proper life/home/work balance.

I'm toast.

Hopefully this summer will rejuvenate and relax me so I can come back with renewed vigor and be ready to be the best each I can be.

I love learning and growing at every possibility.  I hope to become one of the greatest educators in the nation, maybe even the world.

God bless and may you all love your work as much as I do!

Peace.

Now it's time to say goodbye...

And I will miss my seniors terribly.  Well, honestly, I'll miss lots of them, and some of them just a little.  ;-)
Truthfully, this time of year always brings good feelings to me.  It's the time of year when hope is renewed for everyone.  So many young people (and some older ones, too), are entering into a new phase of life, one where they will fulfill some dreams and begin to dream new ones.  I am always so happy to see people going off into their bright and shiny tomorrow.

I'll probably do this every year, but I'm so happy and excited for all.

Here's to you, graduates, and may your futures be bright and your dreams always big!

I need a break

You know how it seems everything is going...and going...and time won't slow down so you can catch your breath?  That is exactly where I am now.  I'm so tired of pushing on.

I guess this is the time that your faith comes to play.  This is the time when you decide to dig deep and push on, knowing that there is a greater source that you can drawn strength.  Where you can receive the healing and encouragement you need.  All of this hard work and continuing to strive for my goal against the obstacles I have been facing is not and will not be in vain.

My time is coming.  And it is coming soon.

I must tell you all that I cannot WAIT for my summer vacation.

Peace.

Stressed....

but very hopeful. I know that I have a long way to go. I will not give up this fight.
I will lose this weight.
I will have my beautiful healthy twins.
I will be an award winning teacher.
I will be an internationally recognized and awarded author.
I will sing with the greats and make some great music myself.
I will.

Yes, I will.

Peace.

Why did I get married?

...right now, I really feel like being married is just an additional thing, on top of all the other things I do.

I am really tired of feeling like I've expressed my wishes, wants, desires, and my husband is too preoccupied with worry - worry about our finances, our car, our everything besides our relationship.

We've been in each other's lives for so many years; we've known each other since we were 12/13 or so (our 8th grade year of school), and started dating when we were 16/17. We broke up for about two years, but even in that time period, we were still very much a part of each other's lives - and intimate also.

What I need from my husband now, he gives me - he provides for our family, has supported me valiantly through my return to school and pending graduation (MEd in Secondary Education, emphasis in Mathematics), and he does thoughtful gestures. I am over the moon about this and I know I have an amazing guy.

What I want is MORE; for instance, one of my biggest pet peeves is when he doesn't listen to my requests. Here is a wonderful example.

I have been talking about the Japanese Cherry Blossom festival since March. It is something I want to participate in and take Sean to experience the culture, the food, the entertainment, all of that.

Today, the main festival with all the parades and shows happens in D.C. (we call it "Downtown" around here). Guess who is at home, and nobody is moving?

I accuse him of only being interested or urgent about something that involves him or that he wants to do. This proves my point exactly.

I'm so upset. I'm practically furious, actually. Next time, I'm going to see if someone else wants to go because I'm fed up with planning family activities to have him sabotage them or act like I didn't tell him about it prior to the date of the event.

I'm frustrated and upset.

Peace.

Fears, Failures, Fantasies

At church this past Sunday (Happy Easter, by the way, to those of you who celebrate), our pastor gave us an assignment. He wants us to share our fears, failures and fantasies with our spouses (for those of us who are married).

Well, I have some fears, failures, and fantasies that I'm going to share with you all here.

Some of them have been mentioned before in previous posts, but some of these may be new, and especially if you've never read my blog, they are definitely new to you. :)

Fears: Some of my fears include something terrible happening to my sweet young son that takes away his innocence. I pray this does not happen and he is allowed to grow and learn for himself without having any traumatic experiences.
Another fear is that I won't be a very good mother, or at least not the mother my son needs me to be.
Another fear is that I will be "fat" forever. :(

Okay, I think that's enough for now. ;)

Failures: some of my failures include not finishing a masters degree. I only have two credits left to finish the degree. I will most likely never finish those two credits. I just don't have the motivation to do it anymore, and my life has turned in a different direction. The degree is obsolete for my life.
Currently, I'm not doing very well in my Abstract algebra class. I'm very afraid of not passing it. For the second time. And I'm not joking. In some instances, I may be one of the smartest people some of my friends know, but I don't feel that way when I'm in this class. I feel like I'm the dummy in the front. Yes, I sit in the front of the class and still haven't grasped as much as I need to from the book OR the professor. :-/

Fantasies: I want to be a dancer. Professionally. I love to dance, and I've got decent rhythm. I know I could be a great background dancer for a Broadway production! I love that stuff, seriously! :D
I want to be a background vocalist for Jill Scott. Or Erykah Badu. Or Faith Evans. Or India Arie. Or Ledisi. Or, heck, anybody that can really sing their face off! I love to sing and I have a YouTube channel devoted to this. It's nothing but me singing. nswr1104 is my channel. Check me out! ;)

All right. I think that I've shared enough today. So...what about you? What are some of your fears, failures, and fantasies? It's always good to share, and sometimes, the path of healing lies in the sharing so you can get free from some of the things that bind you and hold you back from realizing the destiny that is meant for only you.

Take care of yourselves, friends!

Peace.

Goodbye to Facebook

So, I've been wrestling with this for a while now, and I've decided that I want to delete my Facebook page. Or at the least deactivate it.

I'm just really finished with Facebook. And there is nothing that anyone has done to make me want to run away from the social networking that it is...in fact, I've discovered friends I've been missing for so long, in addition to some new people in my life that I hope to hold onto for the rest of my life.

However, I just don't get from Facebook what I once got. I've become less social, actually, because of it. I no longer call or text, I just look up everyone's status to see what's going on with them. Or I peruse through their pictures. I don't even bother to leave a message to let them know I stopped by their pages, I just look around and then go.

If that is what my communication skills have been reduced to, then I don't want Facebook anymore.

And I'm thoroughly okay with saying goodbye.

I just hope that all my people, my true friends out of the almost 400 I have on Facebook, will understand and keep up with me outside of that social medium.

Well, it's onward and upward. :)

Peace.

Letting it go...

Is so hard to do. It really is. But, I'm tired of walking around with all these emotions and feelings and all this extra WEIGHT.

So if I'm really trying to lose weight, like I've said I NEED to do, then, well....


I'VE GOT TO LET ALL THIS STUFF GO.

And go it shall.

Starting NOW.

Peace.

So....

Today there is supposed to be a huge Atheism Rally in DC. I've been praying about this because I'm concerned about the message being sent.

One of the things that many know and believe is great about this country is that we are all free to believe (or not believe) as we see fit. There are as many different faiths and beliefs here as there are possibly in the entire world.

I think that it is wonderful for everyone to have this freedom.

There is only one thing, though, that I truly believe many are wrong about. I truly believe, and I know that Jesus is more than just a man who lived thousands of years ago.

He is the Son of God. He is the Messiah. He is Lord of Lords and King of Kings.

I guess this Atheism Rally today really bothers me because many who are atheists tend to bash Christianity (the most) and any other faith that believes in the existence of God.

I do not understand this.

While I am an individual, one thing that I will always do is respect the beliefs and rights of others. So many people feel and have experienced hatred and hurt from people who call themselves Christians.

For this I am very very sorry. I don't know what I could do to change anyone's mind about a painful experience they have had.

BUT...there is ONE thing I can do.

The one thing I can do is LOVE you. And him. And her. And them.

And I can pray for you. And continue to pray, even if you talk about me and belittle my beliefs. I would not do that to you. Because that is NOT the way God and His son Jesus raised me, as a daughter (by the saving grace of Jesus).

Bless you all.

Peace.

Rejection

...well, it really hurts to be rejected. Especially when you've never been rejected in a particular area of your life before.

I will give you a very good example.

I'm used to getting asked out by the men I am attracted to, or even those that I'm not necessarily attracted to. Yes, I need to lose weight, yes, I may not be every man's "cup of tea", but I can still pull 'em. ;)

So....if a man that I'm attracted to (and who admits he is also attracted to me) rejects me, I am taken aback. What?! How did that happen?

My feelings get hurt. I may go cry in my closet (or in a corner) about it. I may spend a few days in a funky mood, trying to figure out why this guy doesn't want me. What did I do wrong? So on and so forth.

Well....

Do you know what I'm learning?

It's more about my reaction to the rejection than the actual rejection itself. I can choose to wallow in self-pity, become self-righteous, or proceed to talk bad about the person who has rejected me.

OR....

I can learn from my rejection AND (most importantly) move on.

Rejection is supposed to be a learning tool. I feel that either you learn this was not for you, or maybe you need to work on some things. And not just to be "more attractive" or something like that. Maybe there is some personal issue you have that you have not yet resolved.

The whole idea is that this closed door is either so that a better opportunity can come along for you or so that you can continue your training or development to become a better you. Why be sad and sit and throw a "pity party" for no reason?

So...your story got rejected.
So...your boyfriend/girlfriend is done with you.
So...you didn't get the job offer.

We could go on and on and create a massive and quite extensive list of these same scenarios and situations. But, guess what? It doesn't change the fact that it's time for you to learn from this, GROW, and move on.

Let's move on together. Find out something new about yourself and make improvements.

That's what I'm going to do.

Peace.

Ranting, raving, and more...

I am in love with my husband. Pretty sure I've made that clear over the years on this blog.

What I haven't ever really disclosed is that I am also in love with another person who is not my husband.

My feelings for this person have grown over the years, and what makes me sad about it is not in a way of comparison; I have just found genuine reasons for enjoying being around this person.

Of course, I felt terribly guilty about lying and saying that we were just "friends".

Maybe to him we are; but to me it's so much more than that.

So, I did what any good wife would do - I decided to cut off communication with him.

The problem is, I think about him everyday. I can go for a while without thinking about him, but then something will happen or someone will do something or I'll hear something that reminds me of him.

I would feel like an evil adulterous woman if I ever betrayed my husband and hurt him in any manner - so I keep this to myself for the most part. (I'm sharing with you guys, right?)

The biggest problem is I just want to be free of the love. I will always love him.

Just like I will always love my friends that are no longer my friends. Just like I pray for them (I pray for him, too, but almost daily).

I guess the biggest question is - do you believe that you can truly be in love with more than one person?

I know that I do, because I am experiencing the difficulty of living with a love for a man that I cannot see or be with for the rest of my life, while at the same time, desiring and wanting an amazing life with the amazing man I married.

How is it that the people with the biggest hearts end up with the most bruises? Is it because we constantly put ourselves out there? Is it because we love everybody and want good for them?

I don't know. I feel like there is a reason that I'm going through this.

What's worse now is there are two things going on.

1. I'm worried about him. I still consider him to be a friend and he's going through something right now. I want to be there for him; he won't return texts or any other attempts to communicate with him. I guess he's really done with me.

2. I feel completely rejected by him. I sent him a letter to which he did not respond. I suppose I must appear to be a crazy woman. I actually made the mistake of opening up and showing him so much of myself - I shouldn't have done that. I'm an extremely intense lover and in general, I love HARD. Most people are not prepared for that. I truly think I freaked him out.

I know I'm a very different individual. I tread lightly most of the time to keep others from knowing how deep my feelings are and how far I will go and what I will do. I work to keep my temper and my passion in check; I know it is a bit much for many people. And I like having friends and family, right?

...this is so painful. I hurt all over.

Yes, there is a lot I am not saying here, and no, I will not say it. The point is, I guess this is a lesson to me for letting my guard down and letting the wrong one in.

Not to say that he was "wrong"; he very well could have been a great match for me; our chemistry is off the charts, truly, and, did I mention that I love him? :)

I just have to make sure I'm using my spirit of discernment to keep from inflicting unnecessary pain on myself. I really am lonely sometimes.

It's hard to believe that you can feel alone even within a crowd, but I am a walking testimony to that very statement.

Well, I've done enough, I suppose. I just want the hurt to go away, or at least to lessen so I can pretend I don't miss him and don't think about him a little better each day.

Peace.

NSWR

I love my husband so much. I think he's the best thing since sliced bread. I am so blessed to have someone in my life that wants me to be HAPPY in all things.

The weather has turned to ice and snow, finally. Looking forward to more soup and hot chocolate days. :-)