The Person I was...

Is definitely not the person I am now. I remember that lil girl sooo well. And I remember the straight forward serious teenager who gave way more than she got from lots of her friendships (no names, no blames).

I also remember the young woman who lost a lot of her self esteem in college, fell deeper in love with her boyfriend (who is now her husband), and how she made some missteps with her friendships, personal relationships, and career choices.

Now, though, is someone, a full grown woman, who is doing her best to dump some of that baggage off to the side. I don't need it. And, frankly, it's done so much to deter me from pursuing my dreams and desires. I have been in a rut. Emotionally, physically, mentally.

I like knowing that I've changed. I've become more about myself than other people, but still keep others so much a part of why I do what I do. I guess some things never really do change.

:)

But, even in my desire to always help somebody else and be the shoulder and be the friend, I have learned how special I am. That I am special. Hey! That's a breakthrough for me.

That I don't have to look to others for any kind of approval (or disapproval) because I am enough. That God is good and He loves me for who I am, and in spite of my shortcomings.

That I have some amazing talents and abilities, and since I have them, I should share them. :)

And that even as I am happy for others successes, it's perfectly okay for me to celebrate my own.

That's all for now. And, I want to end with this: I'm sure there are people in my past that I probably should apologize to. And, I'm sure there are people who knew me once that think they know me now. I don't have the infinite ability to change their minds, nor should I feel compelled to do so. I know who I am, and it is not the person they may think I am. I am better, brighter, and more beautiful than I was then. I am wiser, more humble, and more grateful for everything that I have. I am not a mean or bitter person, I do not think about how much I dislike someone else, or why my life is better than theirs whenever their name is mentioned. I am GROWN. And I am happy to be the person I am, with or without you in my life, whoever you are.

Peace.

Rambling...

so, I have been walking around with this feeling of uneasiness all day. I would attribute this to nervous energy and excitement about the first day of school, but it is more than that.

It's almost like I feel like I'm making the biggest mistake of my life. Like, I should run, quickly, from everything that I've signed up to do...even though I've signed binding contracts and I am soooo financially responsible for my education thus far, should I drop out...

And now, well, I feel so deep down that I'm doing the wrong thing. And the funny thing is, it's not that deep, necessarily, as it is permeating throughout my being.

So, I wonder if it is just me, if some evil is at work here, or if this is the truth, and what I want to do, what my heart desires most, I need to continue to pursue and this isn't it...?

Oh, I certainly hope not. I am definitely going to pray about this, and really give this over to God. I don't want to make any mistakes, and this can't be a mistake...because of all the open doors and literal miracles that have occurred up to this point for me to even be a part of this program.

Well, let's see what God will do...and if I can calm myself down...

Peace.

Randoms...yet again

I wanted to blog tonight, well, just 'cause. I have nothing in general to write about that is pressing on my mind, except the fact that I haven't written in a few days and I really need to. And I'm contemplating making another blog of nothing but my stories and the book I'm writing.

And also, the nervousness I have of being a new teacher in a new school district. I know I can rock the classroom...and I can't wait for the opportunity. I just need to do what I know I can do and believe in the One who makes it all possible.

Nighty night. Early morning tomorrow.

If Nothing Ever Changes....

I will still love my life. I will love being the mother to such a beautiful blessing of a child, my Sean. I will still love being married to the most amazing and most frustrating man on the planet. :)

I told Dray that today. And I meant every word. The truth of the matter is, if we never become the multi-millionaires we envision (and believe me, we do see that in the future ;) ), I will be thankful for the opportunity to be a wife and mother. A daughter, sister, and friend.

I realize that not everyday of my life will be like roses, butterflies, rainbows and sunshine. But, even when it's really rough, I am glad to be living it with him and our son.

God has blessed us with much, even if we are financially strapped to the limit and barely holding on, and I am not going to forget nor let a day go by when I don't thank Him for the gift of life, love, and being his.

Well, that's all for now. I know it isn't long, but I hope it gives someone the ability to keep holding on.

I know our trials are temporary, and I know "this too shall pass." But, if nothing ever does change, I will forever be glad for the journey.

Love.

According to Dray...

I am a yellow personality. Dray has comprised his own color coding of personalities, which he created after discussing the book The Color Code by psychologist Dr. Taylor Hartman with me. I read the book and was totally fascinated by it because of the seemingly honest truths it contains. Dr. Hartman classifies every human being on this planet as one of four possible color personalities, which are based on the elements - Red, Blue, Yellow and White, based on Earth, Wind (air), Fire, and Water (not necessarily in that order).

Anyway, according to the analysis in this book, I am a blue personality, known to be extremely altruistic, and empathetic, perfectionist types that can be a bit exacting if negative attributes or "weaknesses" as he describes in the book, are emphasized or developed.

At any rate, this hit me spot on, but I do also have a lil bit of red (I'm bossy) and yellow (I looove to have fun) in me as well.

So...Dray has developed his own color coding system of personalities. I don't know how many colors he has within his classification, mostly because I didn't ask, (possibly "yawning" hour for me...) but he asks ten questions to help him develop your profile.

Apparently today, after answering his questions, he determined that I am a yellow personality.

I need to tell you that Dray majored in Psychology in college at Maryland, so, he has a working background of what he speaks, even if his current job is working with developmentally challenged youth and young adults.

So, according to Doctor Dray (lol), I am like the sun, radioactive, if you will, hence the color yellow. I am either way up high or way down low. I have intense emotions and these emotions are in greater intensity than reciprocal emotions from others, in either a positive or negative light.

For example, as Dray said today, if he was to give me a car, I would give him a house. (Positive) Or, if he was to shoot a bullet at me, I would come back with the atomic bomb! (Negative)

How crazy is that?! And I'm speaking literally of the last example. I don't think I go that hard. But, actually, there is probably quite a bit of truth to it. (They didn't call me the mad rapper for nothing!)

But, honestly, he has quite a point, and I proved it today, going from an amazing day to one of upset and then back up to a moderate level.

So, what do you think of my husband's "armchair psychology"?

It's rantin' and ravin' time!

So...I'm a lil bit pissed because I've been thinking a lot...my back is out, and I mean O-U-T, so I've been lying in bed sitting on a heating pad bored to death of tv and not quite motivated enough to write...and to blog on my computer I've got to sit in this uncomfortable evil chair which makes my back hurt worse...so you see, it's an unending cycle of pain.

Lol...anyway, so why I'm so pissed is because I have an acquaintance, one of which I claim as a friend that I have been intimate with before, and this person never calls unless he needs or wants something.

Thing number one is that whatever we did before I got married ceased and desisted several months, hell over a year before I got married. Thing number two is that what he wants from me he cannot have, yet he still holds on to me as his "voice of reason" so to speak.

I'm mad at myself for letting this person get so damn close to me, but more than that, I'm mad that I allowed his inconsiderate behavior to continue for this long.

Welp, ladies and gents, that ended this week. I am proud of myself for basically eliminating this person from my life. He's not really there to begin with, and I can focus my thoughts on better and more important things than him.

We'll still associate from time to time, because, he's nice and all for the social stuff, but, seriously, I don't need that extra emotional tie that I've been giving to him because I'm such an all or nothing type of girl.

Well, he's gonna be pretty much a nothing to me, unless I want to be amused at a social gathering here or there.

So let it be written, so let it be done. End of...NEXT!

Lol! Have a wonderful moment right now, friends.

Peace.

Going Green

I've been really interested, almost obsessed, I would say, about "going green". I looove the idea of generating and using my own energy, as opposed to paying a ridiculously high light bill each month. This is something I believe that in time I will become passionate about. In fact, Dray is currently calling me Leonardo DiCaprio because I'm always talking about "going off the grid".

Right now, I've got to work on using those lil grocery bags from the store, and I'm trying to convince Dray that a filter is soooo much better and that tap water really isn't from the devil, so we can stop buying so much bottled water, thereby saving some money.

Because with him, it's always the bottom line. Aaaand, right now, I'm trying to find some natural cleaning products, as well as natural hair care products, because I'm seriously going natural with my hair.

No, I'm not locking it or braiding it or twisting it...I really like my hair straighter. I'm not a lil kid, so some of the hairstyles out there that are adorable on kids and teens will NOT work for me.

And, before anyone thinks I'm insulting my peeps with locs, let me tell you - if I thought I would have the patience to commit to such a versatile way of taking care of hair, trust me, I would find out about how to make it look good on me. But, alas, I don't want to put that sort of committment into my hair. Maintaining and having locs is serious work, as far as being patient, letting your hair grow out, locking it, etc. Yeah, I'm really not gonna wait that long for results.

And I'm so serious about that.

So...anyway, what I'm interested in knowing is...how do you feel about "going green"? Is it something that is important to you? Do you think what you're doing now is having a positive or negative impact on the planet?

Just wanted to put it out there.

God bless. Peace.

Dum Dum Dum...

dum dum...dum di doo di dum...dum...dum...

Okay, I was humming a song...the song from the answering machine on my best friend's parents' phone, actually. It's been the same one for years, and I hope they never change it. The entire family sings on it, and it's one of the best I've ever heard. "We're so glad that you...called us on the phone, we'll be sure to...call when we get home, so just leave a....message aaaat the tone! HAVE A BLESSED DAAAAY! *Oooh weee oooh oooh hooooo!*

Lol! anyway, let me get to the meat of today.

So, I was just being my usually inwardly thoughtful self, and I've been examining some of my motives for doing things. For instance, I sent off an e-mail today that I was super nervous to send, and hoping that the spirit of the message rang true to the individual to whom it was sent.

Not because this person is of some great importance to many, but because I truly care about the person and I sense something is going on in his/her life and I want to help, in whatever manner I am supposed to help.

The fact that this person contacted me back almost immediately after I contacted him/her is, at best, astonishing because of his/her schedule. But, that let me know, also, that what I said and did next was of great importance. How in the world would that have happened? How would this person, known for always being busy and on the road, traveling the nation have gotten back to me in a matter of hours after I sent a message? Only God could have done that. So, I've got to make sure that I am doing the right thing, not something that would make me "close" to this person as a friend, or even that I could go around saying, Oh, well, "you know who" and I are "this and that".

Honestly, I don't care about that. I know that some people do, but that's not something that really interests me a lot. I'm so much more concerned about people, their insides and feelings, their thoughts and beliefs. Who cares if you're famous, well known, or popular. That's worldly, right? Not Godly, which, honestly, is what I want to be more like everyday.

Not saying that I'm perfect, because I think everybody who knows me knows I'm not perfect. (In spite of Dray's constant teasing that I'm "practically perfect in every way" like Mary Poppins). I just want to be a better me each and everyday.

I will continue on my quest to improve me, and also keep praying that I make the best and wisest decisions.

Love, love, love! And hug somebody today. It's proven that physical touch is actually beneficial to us all. More reason to argue that no one should be alone...but that's for another post, yes?

Peace.

So...

Today, Dray and I got into an argument. I bet it's probably an argument all newlyweds get into, and if both of you are strong willed, then, well, it might be an ongoing on, until somebody relents and gives in or both of you grow up and whatnot...

So, I believe my husband, the love of my life, doesn't really get the fact that he's married yet. I realize that before we were married, so much of our lives were already intertwined - Sean, bills, cars, etc. Buuuuuutttt, we weren't married. I was still me and he was still him. If he wanted to do something with his money, he didn't really have to consult me or even have my agreement. He could do whatever he wanted. And, well, vice versa.

But now....ooooh, now, it's a totally different story. Here's the argument. So, Dray accepted a job that would put him deep in Mo County very early in the morning. (As background, Dray is an independent contractor, so, he's self employed, working with youth and young adults that have disabilities). Why this is a problem right now is we only have one car, I have to be at work also very early in the morning, not as deep into Mo County, and Sean must be at school as well.

Originally, Sean would have to be at school super early, like, as soon as his teacher opened her door. Then, Dray said he would handle that responsibility since I have to be on the way to work before she opens, meaning he's dropping me off at work and dropping Sean on his way home.

But now, unfortunately, since he's taken this job, he will either be 1. Dropping Sean off at the ungodly hour before his teacher opens her doors and we'll be paying extra for it (or finding a new daycare) or 2. Dropping me off first, driving back to Laurel to drop Sean off at school and then getting back into traffic to drive all the way into Mo County.

So, of course, I gave it to him this afternoon, not on purpose, but definitely out of frustration because it seems that he doesn't ever think about what he decides to do in the context of how it effects the rest of us.

I reminded him, yet again, of how he has to think about how what he says in the moment impacts Sean and I. Like, he is the only one who gets to have a say in what happens in our household.

I am his wife now, no longer just his girl, "wifey", woman, or whatever he called me before. Now I have an "official" title, if you will, and it's super important to me that he understands our PARTNERSHIP.

That's all I've got for now. Until next time.

Oh, wait, we resolved the issue. :) All is well again at the Roland abode.

Randoms

So, I've been thinking about blogging all day, and actually yesterday really late at night, and I've finally gotten around to doing it. So, I'm gonna just post whatever I've been thinking about, and some of it will literally have just come to me. Several questions, some observations. Enjoy.

- To begin: For us marrieds out there, why do our spouses (whether the wife or the husband, depending on which of you is reading this) say they will do one thing and then don't do it and get upset when you call him/her on it? What's that all about? Then he/she gets all guilty when you don't bring it up, and still manage to piss you off by acting like nothing is wrong when clearly it is? Sheesh. I am assuming this applies more to husbands than wives, but I know there are some absent-minded ladies out there...

- Why is my son so loud? I was a good kid. I did what my parents told me to do. Ask them. Seriously. I wanted to be good, for the sake of being good. Honest. I don't have to lie - this is my blog, durn it! Sean tests every single part of my being in one way or another. Some days he is the sweetest angel-child in the world...others he is as stubborn and willful as his father. I need a drink and several guardian angels and Jesus himself on hand for this child!

- I just got up from the computer to let him out of the room that he had closed himself in! He was yelling for his father! Goodness!!!!

- As a complete 180 from the complaining, I love him so much. He's a joy and a true blessing from God. I heart Sean. And being a Mommy. Thank you, Lord.

- I wonder what would happen if we all got a huge sack of money. Just fell from the sky - and that sack contained just enough to pay off all - ALL - the debt you had. I wonder what would happen...

- I love singing and writing. I hope and pray that one day I can write for my career and make tons of money so I can stay home and write all day. And also, to sing, play the guitar and piano, and be part of a very worthwhile singing ministry. Seriously.

- I also love the singing ministry I'm part of currently, I just wonder if I'm still part of it...? They kicked me off the e-mail list. I'm really sad about that, and I'm wondering if I need to take a hint...hmmm....

- Chocolate is the best thing in the world. Next to sex, which, honestly, if it's not gonna be good, I would rather pass on for the chocolate. Enough said. Yup.

- My husband is the most wonderful yet exasperating man in the universe. Of course, he's that wonderful to me, he's my husband. And, yet, I'm sure there are several people out there who think he's more exasperating than I do...LOL!

- Does it really matter if you're black or white? I mean, MJ said it didn't matter, but honestly, I like the way I am right now. Wouldn't change my ethnicity for anything. Even all the derogatory things that have happened - slurs, discrimination, etc. I love being who I am. And, I couldn't always say that. Not that I didn't want to be Black, but that I didn't want to be ME. I'm glad I want to be me...sad shame it took so many years for me to be glad about it.

- I am currently humming "Favorite Things" and I love the Diana Ross version...but I mostly love the song because of The Sound of Music. I love Julie Andrews, and if I could meet her, I would probably ask her at least 100 questions and hope that we could talk for hours and then become friends and she'd invite me to her house for tea and stuff...love it! (I know, I'm a dreamer).

- Don't you think that MILF (Mom I'd Like to F@#$) should be spelled MYLF (Mom You'd Like to F@#$) if you are a woman who's a mother and you are wearing a t-shirt that says that or are using the phrase to refer to yourself? Frankly, I don't wanna F@#$ myself, I'd rather my husband and I do it. Think about it, people.

- What is the best dinner you've ever had? And what made it the best? Do you think you haven't had it yet? I'm sure I've said this several times before, but my most favorite is my grandma's chicken 'n noodles with cornbread and green beans. Something about the way she makes it...I don't know if it can be topped.

- I really love having good conversations and actually just listening to other people talk about topics in my presence. Yes, if I've been part of a convo with you, you have been entertaining me. How do you feel about that?

- Speaking of that, I really miss having game night at my house. I want y'all to come over so bad. Can anybody bring Taboo? I'm trying to get Dray home on Saturdays so we can start up again...ahhh...tons of folks laughing and having a good time at my house...that's what makes me smile. :)

- Wish I had time to watch all my favorite tv shows and go hiking, biking, to amusement parks, the movies, shopping, out to eat with friends, play tennis, visit friends, and so on...I like to move, people! Don't sleep on the chubby chick!

- Speaking of being chubby, I will be so thankful when I'm down to a healthy size. I will be there...it takes time. I am planning on sticking with this thing. I've got to. I want to have at least one more lil one, and I refuse to bring that baby into this world in an unhealthy vessel. By the way, I almost typed "her" instead of "that baby". Guess you all know whether I want a boy or girl next...

Okay, considering I could go on all night, I'll stop for now. Until next time, folks!

Love, love, love!

Some thoughts before bed

I know it's very early in the morning, and just as I was about to lay down to sleep, two things happened. First, my friend accidentally called me. :) That was funny! The second was I started thinking about how I wanted to write down something earlier, but I couldn't remember what, and suddenly I remembered.

Like a flood, seriously, here it all is, rushing out of me as fast as I can type it.

Well, first, this whole continuously introspectiveness (I know that's probably not a word) has me rethinking everything I do, including my global footprint, how to make sure Dray and I buy a house that will allow us to go off the grid sooner rather than later, living more green and less wasteful each and everyday, and figuring out how to rally my apartment complex into recycling...

Any-hoo, this all centered on my hair these past few weeks. My hair is something that I have always loved. I loved my hair, I think, as soon as I knew what it was...I was told I had thick, somewhat unruly hair (until my gramma or mama would wet a brush and get some blue grease (some of you know what I'm talking about) and then my waves would show). I always took pride in that. And it was thick, wavy and past my shoulders when I was younger, especially after Mama would press it out. I loved my hair.

Then, relaxers entered the picture. As much as it was easier for my mom to do my hair, my hair was never as healthy, or as well taken care of, until she started taking me to the salon regularly.
Then, when I would get my hair done every other week or so, it would be wonderful. I think it was quite healthy under professional care, and I enjoyed the relaxers.

Skip to the present day, when, in this economy and our financial situation, getting a relaxer as often as I would like, as well as regular hair maintenance by a professional, which is the best way to do things, is just not fiscally responsible for me.

I know it may sound cliche', but having Sean changed the way I think about every single dollar I spend. Long gone are my "young, single, and free" days. Now I'm young, married, and Mommy. I've changed so much from that chick that used to spend her money on what she wanted when she wanted - travel, clothes, food, drink, gifts, whatever. I almost don't remember her. Even the chick that moved to Maryland and became a responsible teacher, even she lived life a little differently, had a much fuller social calendar, and, well, spent her money how she wanted.

Hair care is something that is so far down on my priority list that it doesn't even make the list, wherever that is. But, the thing is, since I've started on this journey to better health and taking better care of Nakeisha, and learning to be a better me all around, hair care has popped up.

Let's face it, everyone wants to put the best face forward for any and all impressions. I don't want to walk into my future classrooms looking like a bum. And, frankly, just letting my hair grow and not doing anything but ocassionally washing it is not going to cut it for me. I want it to be healthy - a reflection of the me on the inside manifesting itself on the outside.

So, these past few weeks, I've been researching on natural hair care. It's something I'm extremely interested in simply because I can do my hair myself, it won't cost anything like getting regular relaxers, and my hair can get healthy with no or few chemicals. I don't have to worry about breakage due to not having my hair retouched in two or three months. (Currently, I have a patch of very short hair at my crown, mostly because of that reason, partly because of stress)

Anyway, I really wanted to put this out there, hoping some of my friends will read this and let me know what they think about this. I really, truly need some help in this department. I would love to get my hair straightened, but not chemically, and not necessarily permanently, should I ever want to have that "wash'n'go wet" look.

So, what are your thoughts, friends? Hope to hear from you soon.

Happy Feelings

So, today is a good day. I'm really busy, if you will, doing a whole lot of nothing, but I plan on getting my last assignment finished for class on Monday.

Honestly, it's a great day. Nice outside, Sean is running around, Dray's amusing himself watching videos...Ha! And I'm typing on the computer. I'll probably start writing in a little bit, but before I got into one of my favorite stories (I think this will be a great book), I thought I would get on and say hey. It truly has been a while since I've been on, and I feel bad that I haven't written anything in a while, nothing uplifting or inspiration, or, well, anything at all. I've been in a yucky place emotionally and mentally.

We've still got lots going on, trust me - Dray and I are still challenging each other with the Biggest Loser challenge, I'm in school and LOVING every minute of it, for the most part ;) and I'm writing, playing with Sean, and enjoy my last week or so of freedom before the school year begins again.

It is truly a blessing to have such wonderful people and things in my life. I love my husband, son, cats, and...new addition to the area, my lil bro!

Anthony has officially joined life on the east coast and starts law school at Washington and Lee in a week, I think. I'm so excited and happy for him! Plus, he's close enough to hang out for holidays! Whoo-hoo!

Plus, I found out one of my favorite cousins is still living in Virginia! Margie, I'm soooo coming to visit...and I know you'll love Sean! (And, as a disclaimer, all of my cousins, with the exception of some very distant ones, are my favorites...I love them all! I have a great family!)

Okay, that's all for now. Get out and do something today. Enjoy your life before you realize that it's passed you by.

Peace.