I am in love with my husband. Pretty sure I've made that clear over the years on this blog.
What I haven't ever really disclosed is that I am also in love with another person who is not my husband.
My feelings for this person have grown over the years, and what makes me sad about it is not in a way of comparison; I have just found genuine reasons for enjoying being around this person.
Of course, I felt terribly guilty about lying and saying that we were just "friends".
Maybe to him we are; but to me it's so much more than that.
So, I did what any good wife would do - I decided to cut off communication with him.
The problem is, I think about him everyday. I can go for a while without thinking about him, but then something will happen or someone will do something or I'll hear something that reminds me of him.
I would feel like an evil adulterous woman if I ever betrayed my husband and hurt him in any manner - so I keep this to myself for the most part. (I'm sharing with you guys, right?)
The biggest problem is I just want to be free of the love. I will always love him.
Just like I will always love my friends that are no longer my friends. Just like I pray for them (I pray for him, too, but almost daily).
I guess the biggest question is - do you believe that you can truly be in love with more than one person?
I know that I do, because I am experiencing the difficulty of living with a love for a man that I cannot see or be with for the rest of my life, while at the same time, desiring and wanting an amazing life with the amazing man I married.
How is it that the people with the biggest hearts end up with the most bruises? Is it because we constantly put ourselves out there? Is it because we love everybody and want good for them?
I don't know. I feel like there is a reason that I'm going through this.
What's worse now is there are two things going on.
1. I'm worried about him. I still consider him to be a friend and he's going through something right now. I want to be there for him; he won't return texts or any other attempts to communicate with him. I guess he's really done with me.
2. I feel completely rejected by him. I sent him a letter to which he did not respond. I suppose I must appear to be a crazy woman. I actually made the mistake of opening up and showing him so much of myself - I shouldn't have done that. I'm an extremely intense lover and in general, I love HARD. Most people are not prepared for that. I truly think I freaked him out.
I know I'm a very different individual. I tread lightly most of the time to keep others from knowing how deep my feelings are and how far I will go and what I will do. I work to keep my temper and my passion in check; I know it is a bit much for many people. And I like having friends and family, right?
...this is so painful. I hurt all over.
Yes, there is a lot I am not saying here, and no, I will not say it. The point is, I guess this is a lesson to me for letting my guard down and letting the wrong one in.
Not to say that he was "wrong"; he very well could have been a great match for me; our chemistry is off the charts, truly, and, did I mention that I love him? :)
I just have to make sure I'm using my spirit of discernment to keep from inflicting unnecessary pain on myself. I really am lonely sometimes.
It's hard to believe that you can feel alone even within a crowd, but I am a walking testimony to that very statement.
Well, I've done enough, I suppose. I just want the hurt to go away, or at least to lessen so I can pretend I don't miss him and don't think about him a little better each day.
Peace.
NSWR
Saturday, February 18, 2012
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