Interesting how this keeps coming back up in some form or fashion...

So...I wanted to post this to my blog, partly for the healing that I get from writing and getting all this stuff out, and partly because I need to vent.  I can't keep holding on to this stuff.

It's so funny, when you honestly walk away from people and situations and you do your best not to say anything negative about them or the situations that caused you to separate, but yet and still, in some way or another, you end back up in their mouths.   Or their conversations with other people.  Or their writings with others.

I don't write anything or say anything about anybody else in general because I want to be happy.  And if I do say something about someone else, it's because I want to uplift that person.

I promise.

It's so funny how people who think they know you or who thought they knew you never did.  NEVER. DID.  I truly believe that I loved people that did not love me.  Or, at least they did not love me as much as I loved them.  It was a very hard lesson for me to learn.

And I'm not saying that I think I was the greatest friend or even that I was a best friend to each of them.  I was a friend to these people, though, so for me, this is extremely personal.  And I'm a sensitive person.  Things that have to do with friendships really touch the core of me.  Part of this I believe stems from being an only child for almost six years; it was just my mom, dad, and me for a time.  I remember that time.  I can only say that I fondly remember that time, but I was alone.  I have always felt a little alone, even in a crowd.  Just alone.  Not necessarily lonely.

For once in my life, with these folks that I believed were my friends, I didn't feel alone.  I felt that I belonged.  With them.  I did.  I loved them.  I cherished them.  And I gave my 100% into our relationships.  Maybe even more than that.

Looking back on it it's so funny.  My father used to tell me I was trying too hard.  He felt like I was running behind them.  WOW.  Parents have eyes to see things that you think you know.  I value my father for his wisdom.  I should have listened MORE to my Daddy back then.

I definitely had a broken heart.  And it's so funny, people tell lies even about why you do what you do when they have no earthly idea about what and why you are doing what you are doing.

I thought they were my FRIENDS.  I honestly thought that.

What was I thinking?

Even after all these years, even after all this time passing, and for me, leaving and not coming back, it still hurts.  It still bothers me.  And I need to tell this story.

I need to get all this out of me.  It has no place in my life, and I feel that this keeps me from being closer to the people I care so much about.

My husband told me I need to write it out.  And I will.  I started a book and I need to finish it.
The book is pure fiction, but it's so funny; he read part of the story and feels like it's semi-autobiographical.

As much as he might be right, he's not.  It's really just a book that incorporates some of my experiences into the story of four girls and two guys.  :)

I think that it will be what I need to get over this once and for all.

I better get back to it, huh?

Thanks for reading. :)

Peace.

I watched the Stellar Awards...

and do you know what my greatest takeaway was?  Honestly, the people of God need to get healthy.  I'm talking to myself, more than I'm talking to anyone else.

Watching all the different groups and recording artists perform, I was a bit shocked by how many people were winded after a performance.  I was struck by the size of the artists, also.  Now, I'm a big girl and I've been that way most of my life.  That is not the problem.  These people were GORGEOUS, do you hear me? Handsome, beautiful people...

BUT

They were very out of shape.  Even those who seem to be in good shape (aka "thinner").  No, most of them needed to lean over or hold their side, or catch their breath, longer than a normal type of catching your breath after a performance.  I know being on a big stage brings adrenaline, and you do move around, but you shouldn't be holding your side and practically wheezing directly after.  Sheesh.

I mean, folks weren't dancing on stage like at a Michael Jackson concert, no, there was only some light choreography.  Seriously.  No one was running across the stage non stop for five minutes.  They were singing, yes, but no real extra strenuous activity.

WE.  ALL.  NEED.  TO.  GET.  HEALTHY.

Yup, and that was my biggest takeaway.  I'm serious.

I'm taking the challenge.  Will you?

Think about it.

Peace.

Thinking....

recently, one of my co-workers challenged me to start journaling again.  I love to write, truthfully, and honestly.  One day, I plan to be another writer, a YA writer because I have lots of stories to tell.  And I have lots of ideas and imaginations that I think others would find entertaining.

I'm also looking forward to one day living in more than one location. I firmly believe my family will be located in two states; my husband and I will own homes in both Maryland and Texas.  The idea of Mary-Tex will be very real for us.  I know that sounds so far-fetched or crazy, right?  It's not just a pipe dream.

I'm looking forward to deeper and richer and more meaningful relationships with people that I love and people that I know.  I am looking forward to taking them along on the journey with me, in having more fun, doing more, going more places.

I can't wait to travel all over the world.  I can't wait...I cannot wait.

Right now, I'm listening to this amazing man, Eric Thomas.  Have you heard of him?  He's a motivational speaker.  He's a minister, and this is his time.  He's been steadily getting bigger and bigger, reaching more and more people across the world.  I love his testimony, and the story he shares with people all over the world.

He's dynamic, and most of the time it feels like he's yelling at you, but honestly, he's just so HYPE for himself, and I truly believe he's filled with the purpose given to him directly from God to reach people and motivate and inspire them to reach the levels God planned them to reach.

I know that listening to him helps me push a little harder.

I have goals and plans, and I will reach them.  God has plans for me, and I will fulfill the plans He has for my life.

Okay, I've got a lot to think about right now, and I need to do some listening.

God bless you all.

Peace.

DREAM BIG...

otherwise, there is no point.  DREAM BIG!  And Dream beyond anything anyone else can imagine for you!

It's your life you know.  Since you are the only one to live it, don't deny yourself your dreams.

I'm excited about my dreams.  You should be (about your own dreams), too!

Go get it, I say!  DREAM, DREAM, DREAM!!!!!

AND DREAM BIG!!!!

Trying to put things together

Hello, again.  It seems that when I promise to write, I don't.  Something happens.  I forget.  Yeah, so I won't promise anymore.  What I will do, is attempt for the next 21 days (or so) to write.  Just a little a day.  And I'll attempt to blog a bit in the process.

But no promises.  Because I really love writing, but I also love my job (teaching high schoolers is FUN), my husband, and my son.  Also, we're working together on a healthier lifestyle and more babies.  So I'm a bit busy.  However, with that being said, I know that you make time for the things that are important to you.  And this is important to me, but it's not at the top of the list.

I'll keep working on it, and I hope that you keep reading.

Peace and blessings to you all. :)