Gotta let him go. I sure don't want to, though. I truly love him too much.

I will be so happy when God moves us past ALL of THIS. I can't give up, but I sure want to.

So tired...

But I feel great, to be honest. I'll let you know how I'm really feeling by tomorrow. Why? Because tomorrow is a deadline that I need to meet. If I meet that deadline, I'll elaborate. If I don't, I'll discuss what I will do in the meantime.

So, I guess until then...

Peace.

This one's for YOU

Okay, so I've got to put this out there, and I'm doing it so that I can be done with it - I hope.

Dear YOU,

No, I'm not going to tell the world who YOU are, and I don't need to. YOU know who YOU are. I'm so ashamed, and I feel like such a fool for letting YOU into my life.

I'm stupid. I've been naive, gullible, and extremely young when dealing with YOU. It's all my fault, actually, because I saw YOU for who YOU were when we first met.

I thought, no, YOU won't be like that with me, YOU will treat me differently because I AM different. I'm not like anyone else YOU have known or decided to get to know. My uniqueness will keep YOU from hurting me because YOU will care about me in a way YOU haven't about anyone else.

I. WAS. WRONG.
I. WAS. FOOLISH.
I. KNEW. BETTER.

But, yet and still, I found a way to trust YOU, against my better judgment, against the warnings and red flags.

Oh, it's okay, it's just YOU, and YOU are my friend, and YOU are looking out for me, and YOU do care about me, YOU even said YOU did.

HOW COULD I BE SO STUPID?

Well, I want YOU to know, that I love YOU. I truly love YOU. And YOU don't deserve it. YOU don't love me, not even if YOU tell me so. It's all apart of the game for YOU.

Don't worry, I won't let it happen again. YOU will be last on my list from now on. YOU can wait, and YOU will wait.

YOU will not destroy the happiness I have built with another, YOU will not be able to tell me those sweet words of deception any longer. YOU will just be another acquaintance, if that.

No one needs to know that YOU and I were "close" - because, well, we never were. It was all in my head.

And now, I'm letting YOU go. Move on to the next one, tell her the same lies YOU told me. Maybe she'll fall for it just like I did.

Or, maybe, she'll be smarter and wiser and see YOU coming from a mile off and tell YOU where YOU can go.

YOU might win some, but YOU just lost this one.

I'm out.

Peace.

...I want to get a way....

I want to fly away...yeah, yeah, yeah!!!! I am totally feeling the Lenny Kravitz song right now. I have been to the beach this week, and I really want to go back. I really just wanna stay down there.

So what with reality and bills and stuff. I just wanna go....

away.

I guess I'm in one of those moods. And it would be destined to happen right before the school year starts and all the flurry of activity of prepping my classroom, getting lessons together, thinking about what I'm going to do with my students...on and on and on...sheesh.

It's all I can do, I suppose, to just stay level.

I'm gonna be okay, but sometimes, just sometimes, it would be nice to be able to just get up and go and do what it is you want to do EXACTLY at that moment.

All right. That's all for now.

Peace.

I am a bit bummed out right now. I think it's because I want something I don't need.

I feel like I must be doing something wrong. Something. :-(
What else can I do?

Bored. Out of my mind

Okay, so I've been at my computer today, and I've been a little bit upset. I think I've lost soooo much of my writing!!!! I'm really nervous, in fact, that I may have lost too much of one of the best stories I'm currently writing.

I've written some of my stories about my cats, and I am trying to remember others, but they're just gone.

In the age of saving everything on the computer, I'm dumbfounded that I cannot find so many of them - most of which were sent into my writing mentor/instructor for critique.

Okay, so where the heck are my stories????

Anyway, I'm bored to death being at home. I've finally gotten the summer blues, and I need to do something, get away, take a vacation...find some new scenery that isn't the four walls of our apartment.

I'm so sick of being in my house.

Also, equally sad is the fact that my son is a certified homebody. Don't let us leave the house...oh, no...he'll be asking if we're going back home in a matter of 15 minutes. Sometimes, even before we've gotten out of the parking lot properly, he'll express his desire to return home.

Ugh. Who's kid is this again? Can't be mine...I was the kid that wanted to be out in the street all day everyday, and most evenings if allowed.

Have you seen the McDonald's commercial with the little boy who's going on and on about all his activities for the day? "And after karate class, can we paint the tree house yellow? And then, can we...?" It's adorable. It also perfectly describes me. I've always been that way, too.

In fact, if the commercial wasn't so recent, I would wonder if someone from McDonald's sent Ronald to spy on my family. ;-p

Anyway, here's my short term goals.

One, I hope to stop being so bored by trying to write something, anything, and to keep busy that way. Maybe if I just start writing, it'll get me into wanting to write more, and the stories will just flow.

Two. Do more with my son, like dragging him to the park when the sun isn't so high in the sky or taking him swimming, especially since we have a membership to a local rec center.

Okay, that's it for now.

Hopefully, these two short term goals will work out and I won't be so freaking BORED everyday.

That's all I've got, y'all. Have a wonderful weekend!!!

Peace.

Ugh!!! I need something...but I dunno what it is...hmmmm....

Sometimes I look at my son, and eventhough it's been 4 years and 24 days, I find it hard to believe I'm a mom. I am so blessed and thankful. I. Am. A. Mommy.

What a great day. Sleep well, friends, and we'll see you tomorrow! :-)

Staying home with my son for over a year showed me I need to be an active on the go mom. Staying at home is too much for me.

Sometimes I wish my husband would like to go out or surprise me sometimes. I get so bored sometimes. :-(

Busy Saturday today. Fussy/Cranky husband makes for a looong day. Hopefully it'll be a great one! Take care. :-)

Spent the day swimming with the little one. It's been a wonderful summer day, amazing week and I am very thankful. I hope you all can say the same. :-)

Today I learned that I can take off the robe of shame I've been wearing in respect to my past transgressions...I'm so thankful.

Having a great Sunday. So thankful for forgiveness and numerous "do-overs". I hope you all can say the same.

Kind of bummed. Today is my husband's birthday and he STILL had to go to work...boo.

Now, about my friend...

Okay, I hope you know I wasn't fully finished talking about my guy friend. I really do care way too much about this guy. I've figured that out all on my own, thank you very much. :)

Now, here's my biggest issue with him to date.

He's so...secretive or I should say...withheld. Maybe withheld is the better word. Here is what I mean by that. If I ask him a very straightforward question, such as, "What is it exactly that you want from me?" He would answer "Your friendship". I would have to ask several questions to get more information from him that would actually adequately answer my question.

Another example...I told him that I love him and we were saying goodnight, getting off the phone with each other. He couldn't tell me that he loved me too. Instead, I thought I heard him say "I love you" but wasn't sure, and I asked him to repeat himself clearly. He says, "I love getting emails. You should send me one." We got off the phone, and he had to call me back to tell me that he did love me.

Sheesh. I'm not sure if I'm dealing with someone who is so emotionally scarred from past relationships that he is hesitant to acknowledge or admit his feelings or if I'm dealing with one of the best actors on the East coast. :)

Either way, I am trying to develop a relationship (clearly) and I have no business doing so. I should be kicking my own butt for it...trust me, I'm working on it.

And I probably need a twelve step...or thirty step to get through it...because I really do have feelings for him and I've got to work through them and let them go so I can focus on my beautiful marriage to my wonderful and amazing husband with our beautiful life and handsome son.

Okay, I think I've gotten everything off my chest about this...but I feel something lingering only because I just really want the truth out of him. I don't think it will change anything...especially not my marriage (come on, now), but I just feel I need to know.

I'll pray that my quest for knowledge ends here and I can just let this move forward so I can preserve the relationship I do have with him...he is my friend after all. Or...well, what do you think?

I'd love to know.

Peace.

NSWR

Just chillin'...

and I'm listening to this amazing CD by an artist from Houston (Texas, baby!!) named Alicia James. She is AH-MAZ-ING! I love her vibrato, her tone, her lyrics...I would love to meet her. I'm subscribed to her on YouTube also...I can't get enough of her. Plus, she's a Texas girl, and you know I've got to support our home grown musicians there...I love my home, so, of course, you might think I'm a little biased, but I suggest you check her out yourself and let me know what you think.

http://aliciajames.bandcamp.com

I think she's worth the trip over to visit her site. She's so cool, she has her entire album up to listen to...what artist does that?!

Now, onto some other things.

If you'll recall the other day I posted about a friend of mine that I love very much. Well, last night, the conversations turned rather overtly sexual. To the point that I was uncomfortable and felt like I was crossing a line.

I had a friend over today, and it did me so wonderful to talk to her about the situation. She made me feel better about myself. I felt like a...well...another word for a garden tool. :-(

She made me see that I was not going to cross the line with my friend, first because I am so happy right where I am and second because it appears that my friend likes to play games and be secretive a such, so there's no need for me to worry too much about it...

whew. Thank goodness. So, now I can settle back into my "regular life"...lol.

The next thing on the agenda is school and weight loss. I'm working on being finished completely with school by August (but it appears it will not be until December that I am done with this school thing...boo on that), and the weight MUST come off.

Dray and I really want to have another lil one, and Sean just turned four yesterday - yes, can you believe it? It seems like I was just writing about his second birthday...wow look at time passing...

But, seriously, we want to have another one (I'm praying for twins - a boy and a girl), and I've GOT to lose weight...I can't be this big and have some lil ones inside me...I want them to be the healthiest they can be...and I want their delivery to be easy. :)

So, I know you want to know what the plan is. I think I'm going to keep that under wraps. Trying to do the world wide web accountability thing isn't exactly motivation...didn't really work the last time, so....the goal is to progress and get it all done...yes...get it done. My desire is to be at goal weight before next year rolls around (meaning July 3rd)...and preggers with my twins. (See how I keep saying I'm gonna have twins? I'm gonna have TWINS! ;-P)

All righty. I feel like this post has gotten SO long...I've got so much more to talk about, so I'll try to split up the posts by category. Maybe that will help me organize my 1000 mile a minute thoughts. :)

Peace.

NSWR

Ah...lazy day today. Hopefully I'll get a chance to really write soon...looking forward to it, actually. Stay tuned!!!

For some reason, the mobile version is "selecting" which things to post so maybe I'll go back to the old version....

Sorry...I should've shown the lasagna before it went in...

"See You Next Lifetime"

So...I have a friend that I love. Yes, I love this person. Seriously. We have this amazing connection and a bond between us that is...well, in my opinion, one of those once in a lifetime kind of bonds.

I think I might even be in love with this man.

Nothing is wrong with any of what I've said. There is a catch, though, if you will.

You're thinking, what, what's the issue?

Well, the issue is that I'm married. Very happily, I might add. Married to my very best friend, the father of my beautiful son, and the guy that makes me laugh and supports me 110% in everything I do.

We've been that way since high school, and nothing is going to change that.

So...how is it that I've got feelings for another man?

I don't know, to be honest with you. Something about him is so much like my husband. However, he is not my husband. He may, at one time, have wanted to be my husband, but when he had a chance to express those feelings to me, he didn't.

I was angry with him. He took my choice away, so to speak, because I didn't know how he felt until I was about to walk down the aisle with the man of my dreams.

So...here's my big problem. I want to keep this man in my life. He is my friend, and I care about him deeply - I look forward to going to his wedding one day (in the future) and wishing him and his new wife the best life, because I'm living a pretty wonderful one right now myself.

But, I don't think it is safe to be friends with somone who I know I could be unfaithful to my husband with, and also, that could see me with him (and I could see myself with him as well).

What do you think?

It would be great to get some feedback if anyone has been in a similar situation or knows about these types of situations.

Looking forward to hearing from you,

NSWR