So right now, I mean, literally, at this very moment, I have the song "Three Little Birds" playing in the background of my mind. That is one of the best songs that I have heard from Bob Marley. He has some good ones, but this one just makes me feel good inside.
It also usually plays in the back of my mind when I'm feeling really reflective and whatnot, and that is exactly what is happening to me today.
Yesterday, Dray and I took Sean out to the park and it was soooo cold. But, it was a crisp, clear, beautiful day. I loved it. Every minute of it, in fact, and I thought about how much I missed living so close to our family.
The truth is, though, if I really think about it, I like living in Maryland. I don't want to move back home. And, even if I said that out loud, I think it wouldn't make the decision to stay there or to move home any easier.
I haven't said it out loud, but I'm writing it, right? :)
My decision to just write is mostly because I know in his heart my husband wants to move home to Texas - the sooner the better. He misses the closeness of his family, living near our parents, and all of that. The thing about it is, though, that we both know the opportunities to do what we truly want to do are somewhat limited here. I hate that, but it is what it is. There isn't much we can do about that.
Also, I truly believe there is something that God wants us to learn, to do, to achieve, to master, or just to experience before we can return to the place we love most. I hate being so far away from my closest friends and family, but the truth of the matter is, that every single time I've moved in my adult (and almost "adult") life, God has directed the move.
He's not directing a move any time soon. In fact, He's established us in Maryland for a few more years. So, that's why I know there is something He has for us there in Maryland that we cannot have or obtain by living in Texas right now.
I wish I could say it is easier, but...
And I want to add this, just for those of you who don't really believe in God, or even in a Higher Power.
There is a voice, or something, inside of you that lets you know if something is right or wrong. Lots of times, people say things like, "I had a gut feeling". That is the same thing. My gut says to stay in Maryland and wait for the amazing breakthroughs and opportunities that will come your way.
I'm not going to argue you down that there is a God, but I definitely want you to think about it. And, I might add, if you are really in tune to your "gut", it never steers you wrong. ;)
Just some food for thought.
Have a wonderful reflective day, and may this New Year, as it approaches, bring you closer to the place you were destined to be.
Peace.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Friday, December 4, 2009
It's been a long time
and I haven't written. My apologies. This semester in school has definitely taken its toll on me. I am exhausted, mentally and all. I've been fairly ill as well, fortunately, not any H1N1, but, still, a nasty cold I cannot seem to shake all the way.
I feel like the lyrics of one of my favorite Rascal Flatts songs - "I've been burdened, blamed, trapped in the past for too long..."
This entire year has been a bit of a struggle. Financially, it's been rough, but God is definitely good. This is something that has been taken care of as the year has developed.
Personally, I've lost two uncles, and watched my family from both my Father and Mother's sides of the family deal with their loss. First my Daddy's only brother, only sibling, and older brother passed in April. Then, my Mama's second oldest brother, passed away right before Thanksgiving.
Through all of the ups and downs, I can honestly say that I am so thankful to God for my family and my friends.
I know that this year hasn't been the "favorite", but I do know that I have learned and grown so much; I am a survivor, and I come from a strong heritage of survivors and THRIVERS.
I look forward to what this new year will bring. And even though I have seen set backs with my weight loss program and some other areas of my life, I have a healthy, happy son, I have a wonderful loving husband, and I am okay.
Yes, I am okay.
Peace.
I feel like the lyrics of one of my favorite Rascal Flatts songs - "I've been burdened, blamed, trapped in the past for too long..."
This entire year has been a bit of a struggle. Financially, it's been rough, but God is definitely good. This is something that has been taken care of as the year has developed.
Personally, I've lost two uncles, and watched my family from both my Father and Mother's sides of the family deal with their loss. First my Daddy's only brother, only sibling, and older brother passed in April. Then, my Mama's second oldest brother, passed away right before Thanksgiving.
Through all of the ups and downs, I can honestly say that I am so thankful to God for my family and my friends.
I know that this year hasn't been the "favorite", but I do know that I have learned and grown so much; I am a survivor, and I come from a strong heritage of survivors and THRIVERS.
I look forward to what this new year will bring. And even though I have seen set backs with my weight loss program and some other areas of my life, I have a healthy, happy son, I have a wonderful loving husband, and I am okay.
Yes, I am okay.
Peace.
Friday, September 11, 2009
So...
I want to talk about a few things - the most important one, I feel, is about the President addressing the students of the nation. I'm not going to get on my soapbox, because, frankly, if you don't know how I feel as a teacher, then, well, hey, I can't possibly write down anything to make you understand how upset I am at the scrutiny and critique this speech is getting, when, for years, I've watched several presidents speak to the students of this country without reproach or negative characterization. In fact, some of them have talked politics to us when this President, our President, President Obama basically just told the kids it is their responsibility to make something of themselves.
I'll just simply say that unfortunately, as much as many people want to say that we are a nation in healing and "over" racial division, this is just not true. There are so many prejudiced and racist people walking around in this country who just cannot handle a Black man as the nation's symbol. That's all it really boils down to, honestly.
And about the "lesson plans" that have been touted so much by many bloggers and "pundits", well, as a teacher, I actually know what a lesson plan is, and what they all are discussing sounds a lot like a worksheet to me. Not an actual lesson plan. Sorry. And, trust me, I know lesson plans. Especially after having made several this summer for my M.Ed classes, as well as preparing them for students I've taught over the years.
This is ridiculous, seriously. And, honestly, this is beyond the scope of my tolerance for foolishness. Since he has been elected, he has been ridiculed, criticized, and made out to be some sort of evil person bent on taking Democracy and turning it into something sinister.
How about we all just unite under him as our president, just like we have done for all the others in the past, whether we liked them or not, and give President Barack Obama the respect he has earned as our leader, our commander in chief. There is too much negative talk about who he is.
We don't really know him, do we? And we won't get the chance if he always has to stay on the defensive about everything he does.
Unfortunately, he knows about the Black Tax. And it looks like it's in full effect. Hopefully by this time next year, people will be more respectful and we'll be able to appear to the rest of the world as one unified nation.
Right now, I'm sad to say, we must look like a bunch of infighting clowns.
Let's get it together, y'all.
I'll just simply say that unfortunately, as much as many people want to say that we are a nation in healing and "over" racial division, this is just not true. There are so many prejudiced and racist people walking around in this country who just cannot handle a Black man as the nation's symbol. That's all it really boils down to, honestly.
And about the "lesson plans" that have been touted so much by many bloggers and "pundits", well, as a teacher, I actually know what a lesson plan is, and what they all are discussing sounds a lot like a worksheet to me. Not an actual lesson plan. Sorry. And, trust me, I know lesson plans. Especially after having made several this summer for my M.Ed classes, as well as preparing them for students I've taught over the years.
This is ridiculous, seriously. And, honestly, this is beyond the scope of my tolerance for foolishness. Since he has been elected, he has been ridiculed, criticized, and made out to be some sort of evil person bent on taking Democracy and turning it into something sinister.
How about we all just unite under him as our president, just like we have done for all the others in the past, whether we liked them or not, and give President Barack Obama the respect he has earned as our leader, our commander in chief. There is too much negative talk about who he is.
We don't really know him, do we? And we won't get the chance if he always has to stay on the defensive about everything he does.
Unfortunately, he knows about the Black Tax. And it looks like it's in full effect. Hopefully by this time next year, people will be more respectful and we'll be able to appear to the rest of the world as one unified nation.
Right now, I'm sad to say, we must look like a bunch of infighting clowns.
Let's get it together, y'all.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Singing
is something that I really love to do. I could probably sing all day and then some, and still want to sing some more. I've always been like that, apparently. My mom tells me that when I was younger, I would wake up singing, just like some stereotypical Disney princess, I would be all "la la la" in the morning, happy for the day and life itself.
I wonder what happened to that lil girl, and I sometimes think about her and laugh. I was so full of joy and love of life and people and things around me - trees, animals, etc.
I still feel that way, but, it's different.
Anyway, what's funny about my memories is that I wanted to be a singer and a mathematician when I grew up back then. I had it all figured out in my lil head, my four year old brain working it all out. My inspiration was a woman I saw on a TV program, or one my mother read to me about.
She was Black, like me, and she was pretty. She was a mathematician who was also a musician. I was immediately smitten with the idea of doing both those things. Combining music and math, two of my loves.
I wanted to be a mathematician and a singer.
I'm studying now to become a Math Teacher. Now, if I can only get this singing thing right.
I hope to return to the P&W team at Zion, and my Wednesdays are free, actually, so I can go. The issue, unfortunately, is beyond just the location and such.
I've got to be sure, be totally sure, that I am where I should be. I have this sinking feeling that maybe I'm not wanted...and it could just be my insecurities, but...
I just need to be sure.
I will not waste my gift. I will use it. I WILL sing.
For all the world to hear. I hope my voice brings a smile or at least inspires. May it always be something pleasant to hear, and not something that takes away from the meaning behind any words that I may sing.
I guess that's all for now. See you soon.
Peace.
I wonder what happened to that lil girl, and I sometimes think about her and laugh. I was so full of joy and love of life and people and things around me - trees, animals, etc.
I still feel that way, but, it's different.
Anyway, what's funny about my memories is that I wanted to be a singer and a mathematician when I grew up back then. I had it all figured out in my lil head, my four year old brain working it all out. My inspiration was a woman I saw on a TV program, or one my mother read to me about.
She was Black, like me, and she was pretty. She was a mathematician who was also a musician. I was immediately smitten with the idea of doing both those things. Combining music and math, two of my loves.
I wanted to be a mathematician and a singer.
I'm studying now to become a Math Teacher. Now, if I can only get this singing thing right.
I hope to return to the P&W team at Zion, and my Wednesdays are free, actually, so I can go. The issue, unfortunately, is beyond just the location and such.
I've got to be sure, be totally sure, that I am where I should be. I have this sinking feeling that maybe I'm not wanted...and it could just be my insecurities, but...
I just need to be sure.
I will not waste my gift. I will use it. I WILL sing.
For all the world to hear. I hope my voice brings a smile or at least inspires. May it always be something pleasant to hear, and not something that takes away from the meaning behind any words that I may sing.
I guess that's all for now. See you soon.
Peace.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Well
Today is Labor Day. I am celebrating by doing nothing, however, I really have a lot that needs to get done. Prioritizing is really very important, but, for some reason, I just want to veg out today. I probably will...and that's okay by me. But at some point today, laundry will need to be done, and I'll get up and do it.
Sometimes you just don't want to do things. You just don't want to. The thing is, you know you've grown and matured when you get up and do them anyway.
I'm going to get up and get some things done today, but I'll go easy on myself. I've got some things on my mind, and I really just need to go pray and seek God.
There's nothing wrong with that.
And then, perhaps, I'll go hide out somewhere and just write. I haven't in a while, and I really want to.
So, here I go!
Make today a good one. Do good, live life without getting hung up in the day to day of it all, and most importantly, love.
Peace.
Sometimes you just don't want to do things. You just don't want to. The thing is, you know you've grown and matured when you get up and do them anyway.
I'm going to get up and get some things done today, but I'll go easy on myself. I've got some things on my mind, and I really just need to go pray and seek God.
There's nothing wrong with that.
And then, perhaps, I'll go hide out somewhere and just write. I haven't in a while, and I really want to.
So, here I go!
Make today a good one. Do good, live life without getting hung up in the day to day of it all, and most importantly, love.
Peace.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Just bloggin'....
to be bloggin'. Lol! Actually, I just wanted to do a little reflecting about the week in general. I have gone from being full of nervous energy to being completely confident and sure of my abilities.
I've run into old faces in new places (one of my students at St. Michaels now attends the High school where I will be doing my student teaching...how's that for a small world!).
I've been really upset, and then, after processing and not saying or doing what I wanted to initially, found out all wasn't what it seemed. I'm so glad I'm growing, and getting better, and learning more maturity. I really could have made a misunderstanding a very bad situation...
I've found a way to be content with a situation that I know could be better (and should be better), and to let God handle it in His timing.
And, well, I'm starting to make peace with the fact that my life is always in flux for this moment, and that I am going to enjoy all the little things, like holding Sean and watching his favorite TV show, Wow Wow Wubbzy. :)
I guess that's all for now. This week was yet another wonderful blessing from God, and I enjoyed it. Getting back into the swing of things (meaning working every weekday all day) is a process, but I know I can master it.
Take care...I'll be falling asleep rather quickly now. It's late, and I've been past sleepy...just wanted to get this down before I went to bed.
Peace.
I've run into old faces in new places (one of my students at St. Michaels now attends the High school where I will be doing my student teaching...how's that for a small world!).
I've been really upset, and then, after processing and not saying or doing what I wanted to initially, found out all wasn't what it seemed. I'm so glad I'm growing, and getting better, and learning more maturity. I really could have made a misunderstanding a very bad situation...
I've found a way to be content with a situation that I know could be better (and should be better), and to let God handle it in His timing.
And, well, I'm starting to make peace with the fact that my life is always in flux for this moment, and that I am going to enjoy all the little things, like holding Sean and watching his favorite TV show, Wow Wow Wubbzy. :)
I guess that's all for now. This week was yet another wonderful blessing from God, and I enjoyed it. Getting back into the swing of things (meaning working every weekday all day) is a process, but I know I can master it.
Take care...I'll be falling asleep rather quickly now. It's late, and I've been past sleepy...just wanted to get this down before I went to bed.
Peace.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
The Person I was...
Is definitely not the person I am now. I remember that lil girl sooo well. And I remember the straight forward serious teenager who gave way more than she got from lots of her friendships (no names, no blames).
I also remember the young woman who lost a lot of her self esteem in college, fell deeper in love with her boyfriend (who is now her husband), and how she made some missteps with her friendships, personal relationships, and career choices.
Now, though, is someone, a full grown woman, who is doing her best to dump some of that baggage off to the side. I don't need it. And, frankly, it's done so much to deter me from pursuing my dreams and desires. I have been in a rut. Emotionally, physically, mentally.
I like knowing that I've changed. I've become more about myself than other people, but still keep others so much a part of why I do what I do. I guess some things never really do change.
:)
But, even in my desire to always help somebody else and be the shoulder and be the friend, I have learned how special I am. That I am special. Hey! That's a breakthrough for me.
That I don't have to look to others for any kind of approval (or disapproval) because I am enough. That God is good and He loves me for who I am, and in spite of my shortcomings.
That I have some amazing talents and abilities, and since I have them, I should share them. :)
And that even as I am happy for others successes, it's perfectly okay for me to celebrate my own.
That's all for now. And, I want to end with this: I'm sure there are people in my past that I probably should apologize to. And, I'm sure there are people who knew me once that think they know me now. I don't have the infinite ability to change their minds, nor should I feel compelled to do so. I know who I am, and it is not the person they may think I am. I am better, brighter, and more beautiful than I was then. I am wiser, more humble, and more grateful for everything that I have. I am not a mean or bitter person, I do not think about how much I dislike someone else, or why my life is better than theirs whenever their name is mentioned. I am GROWN. And I am happy to be the person I am, with or without you in my life, whoever you are.
Peace.
I also remember the young woman who lost a lot of her self esteem in college, fell deeper in love with her boyfriend (who is now her husband), and how she made some missteps with her friendships, personal relationships, and career choices.
Now, though, is someone, a full grown woman, who is doing her best to dump some of that baggage off to the side. I don't need it. And, frankly, it's done so much to deter me from pursuing my dreams and desires. I have been in a rut. Emotionally, physically, mentally.
I like knowing that I've changed. I've become more about myself than other people, but still keep others so much a part of why I do what I do. I guess some things never really do change.
:)
But, even in my desire to always help somebody else and be the shoulder and be the friend, I have learned how special I am. That I am special. Hey! That's a breakthrough for me.
That I don't have to look to others for any kind of approval (or disapproval) because I am enough. That God is good and He loves me for who I am, and in spite of my shortcomings.
That I have some amazing talents and abilities, and since I have them, I should share them. :)
And that even as I am happy for others successes, it's perfectly okay for me to celebrate my own.
That's all for now. And, I want to end with this: I'm sure there are people in my past that I probably should apologize to. And, I'm sure there are people who knew me once that think they know me now. I don't have the infinite ability to change their minds, nor should I feel compelled to do so. I know who I am, and it is not the person they may think I am. I am better, brighter, and more beautiful than I was then. I am wiser, more humble, and more grateful for everything that I have. I am not a mean or bitter person, I do not think about how much I dislike someone else, or why my life is better than theirs whenever their name is mentioned. I am GROWN. And I am happy to be the person I am, with or without you in my life, whoever you are.
Peace.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Rambling...
so, I have been walking around with this feeling of uneasiness all day. I would attribute this to nervous energy and excitement about the first day of school, but it is more than that.
It's almost like I feel like I'm making the biggest mistake of my life. Like, I should run, quickly, from everything that I've signed up to do...even though I've signed binding contracts and I am soooo financially responsible for my education thus far, should I drop out...
And now, well, I feel so deep down that I'm doing the wrong thing. And the funny thing is, it's not that deep, necessarily, as it is permeating throughout my being.
So, I wonder if it is just me, if some evil is at work here, or if this is the truth, and what I want to do, what my heart desires most, I need to continue to pursue and this isn't it...?
Oh, I certainly hope not. I am definitely going to pray about this, and really give this over to God. I don't want to make any mistakes, and this can't be a mistake...because of all the open doors and literal miracles that have occurred up to this point for me to even be a part of this program.
Well, let's see what God will do...and if I can calm myself down...
Peace.
It's almost like I feel like I'm making the biggest mistake of my life. Like, I should run, quickly, from everything that I've signed up to do...even though I've signed binding contracts and I am soooo financially responsible for my education thus far, should I drop out...
And now, well, I feel so deep down that I'm doing the wrong thing. And the funny thing is, it's not that deep, necessarily, as it is permeating throughout my being.
So, I wonder if it is just me, if some evil is at work here, or if this is the truth, and what I want to do, what my heart desires most, I need to continue to pursue and this isn't it...?
Oh, I certainly hope not. I am definitely going to pray about this, and really give this over to God. I don't want to make any mistakes, and this can't be a mistake...because of all the open doors and literal miracles that have occurred up to this point for me to even be a part of this program.
Well, let's see what God will do...and if I can calm myself down...
Peace.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Randoms...yet again
I wanted to blog tonight, well, just 'cause. I have nothing in general to write about that is pressing on my mind, except the fact that I haven't written in a few days and I really need to. And I'm contemplating making another blog of nothing but my stories and the book I'm writing.
And also, the nervousness I have of being a new teacher in a new school district. I know I can rock the classroom...and I can't wait for the opportunity. I just need to do what I know I can do and believe in the One who makes it all possible.
Nighty night. Early morning tomorrow.
And also, the nervousness I have of being a new teacher in a new school district. I know I can rock the classroom...and I can't wait for the opportunity. I just need to do what I know I can do and believe in the One who makes it all possible.
Nighty night. Early morning tomorrow.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
If Nothing Ever Changes....
I will still love my life. I will love being the mother to such a beautiful blessing of a child, my Sean. I will still love being married to the most amazing and most frustrating man on the planet. :)
I told Dray that today. And I meant every word. The truth of the matter is, if we never become the multi-millionaires we envision (and believe me, we do see that in the future ;) ), I will be thankful for the opportunity to be a wife and mother. A daughter, sister, and friend.
I realize that not everyday of my life will be like roses, butterflies, rainbows and sunshine. But, even when it's really rough, I am glad to be living it with him and our son.
God has blessed us with much, even if we are financially strapped to the limit and barely holding on, and I am not going to forget nor let a day go by when I don't thank Him for the gift of life, love, and being his.
Well, that's all for now. I know it isn't long, but I hope it gives someone the ability to keep holding on.
I know our trials are temporary, and I know "this too shall pass." But, if nothing ever does change, I will forever be glad for the journey.
Love.
I told Dray that today. And I meant every word. The truth of the matter is, if we never become the multi-millionaires we envision (and believe me, we do see that in the future ;) ), I will be thankful for the opportunity to be a wife and mother. A daughter, sister, and friend.
I realize that not everyday of my life will be like roses, butterflies, rainbows and sunshine. But, even when it's really rough, I am glad to be living it with him and our son.
God has blessed us with much, even if we are financially strapped to the limit and barely holding on, and I am not going to forget nor let a day go by when I don't thank Him for the gift of life, love, and being his.
Well, that's all for now. I know it isn't long, but I hope it gives someone the ability to keep holding on.
I know our trials are temporary, and I know "this too shall pass." But, if nothing ever does change, I will forever be glad for the journey.
Love.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
According to Dray...
I am a yellow personality. Dray has comprised his own color coding of personalities, which he created after discussing the book The Color Code by psychologist Dr. Taylor Hartman with me. I read the book and was totally fascinated by it because of the seemingly honest truths it contains. Dr. Hartman classifies every human being on this planet as one of four possible color personalities, which are based on the elements - Red, Blue, Yellow and White, based on Earth, Wind (air), Fire, and Water (not necessarily in that order).
Anyway, according to the analysis in this book, I am a blue personality, known to be extremely altruistic, and empathetic, perfectionist types that can be a bit exacting if negative attributes or "weaknesses" as he describes in the book, are emphasized or developed.
At any rate, this hit me spot on, but I do also have a lil bit of red (I'm bossy) and yellow (I looove to have fun) in me as well.
So...Dray has developed his own color coding system of personalities. I don't know how many colors he has within his classification, mostly because I didn't ask, (possibly "yawning" hour for me...) but he asks ten questions to help him develop your profile.
Apparently today, after answering his questions, he determined that I am a yellow personality.
I need to tell you that Dray majored in Psychology in college at Maryland, so, he has a working background of what he speaks, even if his current job is working with developmentally challenged youth and young adults.
So, according to Doctor Dray (lol), I am like the sun, radioactive, if you will, hence the color yellow. I am either way up high or way down low. I have intense emotions and these emotions are in greater intensity than reciprocal emotions from others, in either a positive or negative light.
For example, as Dray said today, if he was to give me a car, I would give him a house. (Positive) Or, if he was to shoot a bullet at me, I would come back with the atomic bomb! (Negative)
How crazy is that?! And I'm speaking literally of the last example. I don't think I go that hard. But, actually, there is probably quite a bit of truth to it. (They didn't call me the mad rapper for nothing!)
But, honestly, he has quite a point, and I proved it today, going from an amazing day to one of upset and then back up to a moderate level.
So, what do you think of my husband's "armchair psychology"?
Anyway, according to the analysis in this book, I am a blue personality, known to be extremely altruistic, and empathetic, perfectionist types that can be a bit exacting if negative attributes or "weaknesses" as he describes in the book, are emphasized or developed.
At any rate, this hit me spot on, but I do also have a lil bit of red (I'm bossy) and yellow (I looove to have fun) in me as well.
So...Dray has developed his own color coding system of personalities. I don't know how many colors he has within his classification, mostly because I didn't ask, (possibly "yawning" hour for me...) but he asks ten questions to help him develop your profile.
Apparently today, after answering his questions, he determined that I am a yellow personality.
I need to tell you that Dray majored in Psychology in college at Maryland, so, he has a working background of what he speaks, even if his current job is working with developmentally challenged youth and young adults.
So, according to Doctor Dray (lol), I am like the sun, radioactive, if you will, hence the color yellow. I am either way up high or way down low. I have intense emotions and these emotions are in greater intensity than reciprocal emotions from others, in either a positive or negative light.
For example, as Dray said today, if he was to give me a car, I would give him a house. (Positive) Or, if he was to shoot a bullet at me, I would come back with the atomic bomb! (Negative)
How crazy is that?! And I'm speaking literally of the last example. I don't think I go that hard. But, actually, there is probably quite a bit of truth to it. (They didn't call me the mad rapper for nothing!)
But, honestly, he has quite a point, and I proved it today, going from an amazing day to one of upset and then back up to a moderate level.
So, what do you think of my husband's "armchair psychology"?
Friday, August 21, 2009
It's rantin' and ravin' time!
So...I'm a lil bit pissed because I've been thinking a lot...my back is out, and I mean O-U-T, so I've been lying in bed sitting on a heating pad bored to death of tv and not quite motivated enough to write...and to blog on my computer I've got to sit in this uncomfortable evil chair which makes my back hurt worse...so you see, it's an unending cycle of pain.
Lol...anyway, so why I'm so pissed is because I have an acquaintance, one of which I claim as a friend that I have been intimate with before, and this person never calls unless he needs or wants something.
Thing number one is that whatever we did before I got married ceased and desisted several months, hell over a year before I got married. Thing number two is that what he wants from me he cannot have, yet he still holds on to me as his "voice of reason" so to speak.
I'm mad at myself for letting this person get so damn close to me, but more than that, I'm mad that I allowed his inconsiderate behavior to continue for this long.
Welp, ladies and gents, that ended this week. I am proud of myself for basically eliminating this person from my life. He's not really there to begin with, and I can focus my thoughts on better and more important things than him.
We'll still associate from time to time, because, he's nice and all for the social stuff, but, seriously, I don't need that extra emotional tie that I've been giving to him because I'm such an all or nothing type of girl.
Well, he's gonna be pretty much a nothing to me, unless I want to be amused at a social gathering here or there.
So let it be written, so let it be done. End of...NEXT!
Lol! Have a wonderful moment right now, friends.
Peace.
Lol...anyway, so why I'm so pissed is because I have an acquaintance, one of which I claim as a friend that I have been intimate with before, and this person never calls unless he needs or wants something.
Thing number one is that whatever we did before I got married ceased and desisted several months, hell over a year before I got married. Thing number two is that what he wants from me he cannot have, yet he still holds on to me as his "voice of reason" so to speak.
I'm mad at myself for letting this person get so damn close to me, but more than that, I'm mad that I allowed his inconsiderate behavior to continue for this long.
Welp, ladies and gents, that ended this week. I am proud of myself for basically eliminating this person from my life. He's not really there to begin with, and I can focus my thoughts on better and more important things than him.
We'll still associate from time to time, because, he's nice and all for the social stuff, but, seriously, I don't need that extra emotional tie that I've been giving to him because I'm such an all or nothing type of girl.
Well, he's gonna be pretty much a nothing to me, unless I want to be amused at a social gathering here or there.
So let it be written, so let it be done. End of...NEXT!
Lol! Have a wonderful moment right now, friends.
Peace.
Going Green
I've been really interested, almost obsessed, I would say, about "going green". I looove the idea of generating and using my own energy, as opposed to paying a ridiculously high light bill each month. This is something I believe that in time I will become passionate about. In fact, Dray is currently calling me Leonardo DiCaprio because I'm always talking about "going off the grid".
Right now, I've got to work on using those lil grocery bags from the store, and I'm trying to convince Dray that a filter is soooo much better and that tap water really isn't from the devil, so we can stop buying so much bottled water, thereby saving some money.
Because with him, it's always the bottom line. Aaaand, right now, I'm trying to find some natural cleaning products, as well as natural hair care products, because I'm seriously going natural with my hair.
No, I'm not locking it or braiding it or twisting it...I really like my hair straighter. I'm not a lil kid, so some of the hairstyles out there that are adorable on kids and teens will NOT work for me.
And, before anyone thinks I'm insulting my peeps with locs, let me tell you - if I thought I would have the patience to commit to such a versatile way of taking care of hair, trust me, I would find out about how to make it look good on me. But, alas, I don't want to put that sort of committment into my hair. Maintaining and having locs is serious work, as far as being patient, letting your hair grow out, locking it, etc. Yeah, I'm really not gonna wait that long for results.
And I'm so serious about that.
So...anyway, what I'm interested in knowing is...how do you feel about "going green"? Is it something that is important to you? Do you think what you're doing now is having a positive or negative impact on the planet?
Just wanted to put it out there.
God bless. Peace.
Right now, I've got to work on using those lil grocery bags from the store, and I'm trying to convince Dray that a filter is soooo much better and that tap water really isn't from the devil, so we can stop buying so much bottled water, thereby saving some money.
Because with him, it's always the bottom line. Aaaand, right now, I'm trying to find some natural cleaning products, as well as natural hair care products, because I'm seriously going natural with my hair.
No, I'm not locking it or braiding it or twisting it...I really like my hair straighter. I'm not a lil kid, so some of the hairstyles out there that are adorable on kids and teens will NOT work for me.
And, before anyone thinks I'm insulting my peeps with locs, let me tell you - if I thought I would have the patience to commit to such a versatile way of taking care of hair, trust me, I would find out about how to make it look good on me. But, alas, I don't want to put that sort of committment into my hair. Maintaining and having locs is serious work, as far as being patient, letting your hair grow out, locking it, etc. Yeah, I'm really not gonna wait that long for results.
And I'm so serious about that.
So...anyway, what I'm interested in knowing is...how do you feel about "going green"? Is it something that is important to you? Do you think what you're doing now is having a positive or negative impact on the planet?
Just wanted to put it out there.
God bless. Peace.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Dum Dum Dum...
dum dum...dum di doo di dum...dum...dum...
Okay, I was humming a song...the song from the answering machine on my best friend's parents' phone, actually. It's been the same one for years, and I hope they never change it. The entire family sings on it, and it's one of the best I've ever heard. "We're so glad that you...called us on the phone, we'll be sure to...call when we get home, so just leave a....message aaaat the tone! HAVE A BLESSED DAAAAY! *Oooh weee oooh oooh hooooo!*
Lol! anyway, let me get to the meat of today.
So, I was just being my usually inwardly thoughtful self, and I've been examining some of my motives for doing things. For instance, I sent off an e-mail today that I was super nervous to send, and hoping that the spirit of the message rang true to the individual to whom it was sent.
Not because this person is of some great importance to many, but because I truly care about the person and I sense something is going on in his/her life and I want to help, in whatever manner I am supposed to help.
The fact that this person contacted me back almost immediately after I contacted him/her is, at best, astonishing because of his/her schedule. But, that let me know, also, that what I said and did next was of great importance. How in the world would that have happened? How would this person, known for always being busy and on the road, traveling the nation have gotten back to me in a matter of hours after I sent a message? Only God could have done that. So, I've got to make sure that I am doing the right thing, not something that would make me "close" to this person as a friend, or even that I could go around saying, Oh, well, "you know who" and I are "this and that".
Honestly, I don't care about that. I know that some people do, but that's not something that really interests me a lot. I'm so much more concerned about people, their insides and feelings, their thoughts and beliefs. Who cares if you're famous, well known, or popular. That's worldly, right? Not Godly, which, honestly, is what I want to be more like everyday.
Not saying that I'm perfect, because I think everybody who knows me knows I'm not perfect. (In spite of Dray's constant teasing that I'm "practically perfect in every way" like Mary Poppins). I just want to be a better me each and everyday.
I will continue on my quest to improve me, and also keep praying that I make the best and wisest decisions.
Love, love, love! And hug somebody today. It's proven that physical touch is actually beneficial to us all. More reason to argue that no one should be alone...but that's for another post, yes?
Peace.
Okay, I was humming a song...the song from the answering machine on my best friend's parents' phone, actually. It's been the same one for years, and I hope they never change it. The entire family sings on it, and it's one of the best I've ever heard. "We're so glad that you...called us on the phone, we'll be sure to...call when we get home, so just leave a....message aaaat the tone! HAVE A BLESSED DAAAAY! *Oooh weee oooh oooh hooooo!*
Lol! anyway, let me get to the meat of today.
So, I was just being my usually inwardly thoughtful self, and I've been examining some of my motives for doing things. For instance, I sent off an e-mail today that I was super nervous to send, and hoping that the spirit of the message rang true to the individual to whom it was sent.
Not because this person is of some great importance to many, but because I truly care about the person and I sense something is going on in his/her life and I want to help, in whatever manner I am supposed to help.
The fact that this person contacted me back almost immediately after I contacted him/her is, at best, astonishing because of his/her schedule. But, that let me know, also, that what I said and did next was of great importance. How in the world would that have happened? How would this person, known for always being busy and on the road, traveling the nation have gotten back to me in a matter of hours after I sent a message? Only God could have done that. So, I've got to make sure that I am doing the right thing, not something that would make me "close" to this person as a friend, or even that I could go around saying, Oh, well, "you know who" and I are "this and that".
Honestly, I don't care about that. I know that some people do, but that's not something that really interests me a lot. I'm so much more concerned about people, their insides and feelings, their thoughts and beliefs. Who cares if you're famous, well known, or popular. That's worldly, right? Not Godly, which, honestly, is what I want to be more like everyday.
Not saying that I'm perfect, because I think everybody who knows me knows I'm not perfect. (In spite of Dray's constant teasing that I'm "practically perfect in every way" like Mary Poppins). I just want to be a better me each and everyday.
I will continue on my quest to improve me, and also keep praying that I make the best and wisest decisions.
Love, love, love! And hug somebody today. It's proven that physical touch is actually beneficial to us all. More reason to argue that no one should be alone...but that's for another post, yes?
Peace.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
So...
Today, Dray and I got into an argument. I bet it's probably an argument all newlyweds get into, and if both of you are strong willed, then, well, it might be an ongoing on, until somebody relents and gives in or both of you grow up and whatnot...
So, I believe my husband, the love of my life, doesn't really get the fact that he's married yet. I realize that before we were married, so much of our lives were already intertwined - Sean, bills, cars, etc. Buuuuuutttt, we weren't married. I was still me and he was still him. If he wanted to do something with his money, he didn't really have to consult me or even have my agreement. He could do whatever he wanted. And, well, vice versa.
But now....ooooh, now, it's a totally different story. Here's the argument. So, Dray accepted a job that would put him deep in Mo County very early in the morning. (As background, Dray is an independent contractor, so, he's self employed, working with youth and young adults that have disabilities). Why this is a problem right now is we only have one car, I have to be at work also very early in the morning, not as deep into Mo County, and Sean must be at school as well.
Originally, Sean would have to be at school super early, like, as soon as his teacher opened her door. Then, Dray said he would handle that responsibility since I have to be on the way to work before she opens, meaning he's dropping me off at work and dropping Sean on his way home.
But now, unfortunately, since he's taken this job, he will either be 1. Dropping Sean off at the ungodly hour before his teacher opens her doors and we'll be paying extra for it (or finding a new daycare) or 2. Dropping me off first, driving back to Laurel to drop Sean off at school and then getting back into traffic to drive all the way into Mo County.
So, of course, I gave it to him this afternoon, not on purpose, but definitely out of frustration because it seems that he doesn't ever think about what he decides to do in the context of how it effects the rest of us.
I reminded him, yet again, of how he has to think about how what he says in the moment impacts Sean and I. Like, he is the only one who gets to have a say in what happens in our household.
I am his wife now, no longer just his girl, "wifey", woman, or whatever he called me before. Now I have an "official" title, if you will, and it's super important to me that he understands our PARTNERSHIP.
That's all I've got for now. Until next time.
Oh, wait, we resolved the issue. :) All is well again at the Roland abode.
So, I believe my husband, the love of my life, doesn't really get the fact that he's married yet. I realize that before we were married, so much of our lives were already intertwined - Sean, bills, cars, etc. Buuuuuutttt, we weren't married. I was still me and he was still him. If he wanted to do something with his money, he didn't really have to consult me or even have my agreement. He could do whatever he wanted. And, well, vice versa.
But now....ooooh, now, it's a totally different story. Here's the argument. So, Dray accepted a job that would put him deep in Mo County very early in the morning. (As background, Dray is an independent contractor, so, he's self employed, working with youth and young adults that have disabilities). Why this is a problem right now is we only have one car, I have to be at work also very early in the morning, not as deep into Mo County, and Sean must be at school as well.
Originally, Sean would have to be at school super early, like, as soon as his teacher opened her door. Then, Dray said he would handle that responsibility since I have to be on the way to work before she opens, meaning he's dropping me off at work and dropping Sean on his way home.
But now, unfortunately, since he's taken this job, he will either be 1. Dropping Sean off at the ungodly hour before his teacher opens her doors and we'll be paying extra for it (or finding a new daycare) or 2. Dropping me off first, driving back to Laurel to drop Sean off at school and then getting back into traffic to drive all the way into Mo County.
So, of course, I gave it to him this afternoon, not on purpose, but definitely out of frustration because it seems that he doesn't ever think about what he decides to do in the context of how it effects the rest of us.
I reminded him, yet again, of how he has to think about how what he says in the moment impacts Sean and I. Like, he is the only one who gets to have a say in what happens in our household.
I am his wife now, no longer just his girl, "wifey", woman, or whatever he called me before. Now I have an "official" title, if you will, and it's super important to me that he understands our PARTNERSHIP.
That's all I've got for now. Until next time.
Oh, wait, we resolved the issue. :) All is well again at the Roland abode.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Randoms
So, I've been thinking about blogging all day, and actually yesterday really late at night, and I've finally gotten around to doing it. So, I'm gonna just post whatever I've been thinking about, and some of it will literally have just come to me. Several questions, some observations. Enjoy.
- To begin: For us marrieds out there, why do our spouses (whether the wife or the husband, depending on which of you is reading this) say they will do one thing and then don't do it and get upset when you call him/her on it? What's that all about? Then he/she gets all guilty when you don't bring it up, and still manage to piss you off by acting like nothing is wrong when clearly it is? Sheesh. I am assuming this applies more to husbands than wives, but I know there are some absent-minded ladies out there...
- Why is my son so loud? I was a good kid. I did what my parents told me to do. Ask them. Seriously. I wanted to be good, for the sake of being good. Honest. I don't have to lie - this is my blog, durn it! Sean tests every single part of my being in one way or another. Some days he is the sweetest angel-child in the world...others he is as stubborn and willful as his father. I need a drink and several guardian angels and Jesus himself on hand for this child!
- I just got up from the computer to let him out of the room that he had closed himself in! He was yelling for his father! Goodness!!!!
- As a complete 180 from the complaining, I love him so much. He's a joy and a true blessing from God. I heart Sean. And being a Mommy. Thank you, Lord.
- I wonder what would happen if we all got a huge sack of money. Just fell from the sky - and that sack contained just enough to pay off all - ALL - the debt you had. I wonder what would happen...
- I love singing and writing. I hope and pray that one day I can write for my career and make tons of money so I can stay home and write all day. And also, to sing, play the guitar and piano, and be part of a very worthwhile singing ministry. Seriously.
- I also love the singing ministry I'm part of currently, I just wonder if I'm still part of it...? They kicked me off the e-mail list. I'm really sad about that, and I'm wondering if I need to take a hint...hmmm....
- Chocolate is the best thing in the world. Next to sex, which, honestly, if it's not gonna be good, I would rather pass on for the chocolate. Enough said. Yup.
- My husband is the most wonderful yet exasperating man in the universe. Of course, he's that wonderful to me, he's my husband. And, yet, I'm sure there are several people out there who think he's more exasperating than I do...LOL!
- Does it really matter if you're black or white? I mean, MJ said it didn't matter, but honestly, I like the way I am right now. Wouldn't change my ethnicity for anything. Even all the derogatory things that have happened - slurs, discrimination, etc. I love being who I am. And, I couldn't always say that. Not that I didn't want to be Black, but that I didn't want to be ME. I'm glad I want to be me...sad shame it took so many years for me to be glad about it.
- I am currently humming "Favorite Things" and I love the Diana Ross version...but I mostly love the song because of The Sound of Music. I love Julie Andrews, and if I could meet her, I would probably ask her at least 100 questions and hope that we could talk for hours and then become friends and she'd invite me to her house for tea and stuff...love it! (I know, I'm a dreamer).
- Don't you think that MILF (Mom I'd Like to F@#$) should be spelled MYLF (Mom You'd Like to F@#$) if you are a woman who's a mother and you are wearing a t-shirt that says that or are using the phrase to refer to yourself? Frankly, I don't wanna F@#$ myself, I'd rather my husband and I do it. Think about it, people.
- What is the best dinner you've ever had? And what made it the best? Do you think you haven't had it yet? I'm sure I've said this several times before, but my most favorite is my grandma's chicken 'n noodles with cornbread and green beans. Something about the way she makes it...I don't know if it can be topped.
- I really love having good conversations and actually just listening to other people talk about topics in my presence. Yes, if I've been part of a convo with you, you have been entertaining me. How do you feel about that?
- Speaking of that, I really miss having game night at my house. I want y'all to come over so bad. Can anybody bring Taboo? I'm trying to get Dray home on Saturdays so we can start up again...ahhh...tons of folks laughing and having a good time at my house...that's what makes me smile. :)
- Wish I had time to watch all my favorite tv shows and go hiking, biking, to amusement parks, the movies, shopping, out to eat with friends, play tennis, visit friends, and so on...I like to move, people! Don't sleep on the chubby chick!
- Speaking of being chubby, I will be so thankful when I'm down to a healthy size. I will be there...it takes time. I am planning on sticking with this thing. I've got to. I want to have at least one more lil one, and I refuse to bring that baby into this world in an unhealthy vessel. By the way, I almost typed "her" instead of "that baby". Guess you all know whether I want a boy or girl next...
Okay, considering I could go on all night, I'll stop for now. Until next time, folks!
Love, love, love!
- To begin: For us marrieds out there, why do our spouses (whether the wife or the husband, depending on which of you is reading this) say they will do one thing and then don't do it and get upset when you call him/her on it? What's that all about? Then he/she gets all guilty when you don't bring it up, and still manage to piss you off by acting like nothing is wrong when clearly it is? Sheesh. I am assuming this applies more to husbands than wives, but I know there are some absent-minded ladies out there...
- Why is my son so loud? I was a good kid. I did what my parents told me to do. Ask them. Seriously. I wanted to be good, for the sake of being good. Honest. I don't have to lie - this is my blog, durn it! Sean tests every single part of my being in one way or another. Some days he is the sweetest angel-child in the world...others he is as stubborn and willful as his father. I need a drink and several guardian angels and Jesus himself on hand for this child!
- I just got up from the computer to let him out of the room that he had closed himself in! He was yelling for his father! Goodness!!!!
- As a complete 180 from the complaining, I love him so much. He's a joy and a true blessing from God. I heart Sean. And being a Mommy. Thank you, Lord.
- I wonder what would happen if we all got a huge sack of money. Just fell from the sky - and that sack contained just enough to pay off all - ALL - the debt you had. I wonder what would happen...
- I love singing and writing. I hope and pray that one day I can write for my career and make tons of money so I can stay home and write all day. And also, to sing, play the guitar and piano, and be part of a very worthwhile singing ministry. Seriously.
- I also love the singing ministry I'm part of currently, I just wonder if I'm still part of it...? They kicked me off the e-mail list. I'm really sad about that, and I'm wondering if I need to take a hint...hmmm....
- Chocolate is the best thing in the world. Next to sex, which, honestly, if it's not gonna be good, I would rather pass on for the chocolate. Enough said. Yup.
- My husband is the most wonderful yet exasperating man in the universe. Of course, he's that wonderful to me, he's my husband. And, yet, I'm sure there are several people out there who think he's more exasperating than I do...LOL!
- Does it really matter if you're black or white? I mean, MJ said it didn't matter, but honestly, I like the way I am right now. Wouldn't change my ethnicity for anything. Even all the derogatory things that have happened - slurs, discrimination, etc. I love being who I am. And, I couldn't always say that. Not that I didn't want to be Black, but that I didn't want to be ME. I'm glad I want to be me...sad shame it took so many years for me to be glad about it.
- I am currently humming "Favorite Things" and I love the Diana Ross version...but I mostly love the song because of The Sound of Music. I love Julie Andrews, and if I could meet her, I would probably ask her at least 100 questions and hope that we could talk for hours and then become friends and she'd invite me to her house for tea and stuff...love it! (I know, I'm a dreamer).
- Don't you think that MILF (Mom I'd Like to F@#$) should be spelled MYLF (Mom You'd Like to F@#$) if you are a woman who's a mother and you are wearing a t-shirt that says that or are using the phrase to refer to yourself? Frankly, I don't wanna F@#$ myself, I'd rather my husband and I do it. Think about it, people.
- What is the best dinner you've ever had? And what made it the best? Do you think you haven't had it yet? I'm sure I've said this several times before, but my most favorite is my grandma's chicken 'n noodles with cornbread and green beans. Something about the way she makes it...I don't know if it can be topped.
- I really love having good conversations and actually just listening to other people talk about topics in my presence. Yes, if I've been part of a convo with you, you have been entertaining me. How do you feel about that?
- Speaking of that, I really miss having game night at my house. I want y'all to come over so bad. Can anybody bring Taboo? I'm trying to get Dray home on Saturdays so we can start up again...ahhh...tons of folks laughing and having a good time at my house...that's what makes me smile. :)
- Wish I had time to watch all my favorite tv shows and go hiking, biking, to amusement parks, the movies, shopping, out to eat with friends, play tennis, visit friends, and so on...I like to move, people! Don't sleep on the chubby chick!
- Speaking of being chubby, I will be so thankful when I'm down to a healthy size. I will be there...it takes time. I am planning on sticking with this thing. I've got to. I want to have at least one more lil one, and I refuse to bring that baby into this world in an unhealthy vessel. By the way, I almost typed "her" instead of "that baby". Guess you all know whether I want a boy or girl next...
Okay, considering I could go on all night, I'll stop for now. Until next time, folks!
Love, love, love!
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Some thoughts before bed
I know it's very early in the morning, and just as I was about to lay down to sleep, two things happened. First, my friend accidentally called me. :) That was funny! The second was I started thinking about how I wanted to write down something earlier, but I couldn't remember what, and suddenly I remembered.
Like a flood, seriously, here it all is, rushing out of me as fast as I can type it.
Well, first, this whole continuously introspectiveness (I know that's probably not a word) has me rethinking everything I do, including my global footprint, how to make sure Dray and I buy a house that will allow us to go off the grid sooner rather than later, living more green and less wasteful each and everyday, and figuring out how to rally my apartment complex into recycling...
Any-hoo, this all centered on my hair these past few weeks. My hair is something that I have always loved. I loved my hair, I think, as soon as I knew what it was...I was told I had thick, somewhat unruly hair (until my gramma or mama would wet a brush and get some blue grease (some of you know what I'm talking about) and then my waves would show). I always took pride in that. And it was thick, wavy and past my shoulders when I was younger, especially after Mama would press it out. I loved my hair.
Then, relaxers entered the picture. As much as it was easier for my mom to do my hair, my hair was never as healthy, or as well taken care of, until she started taking me to the salon regularly.
Then, when I would get my hair done every other week or so, it would be wonderful. I think it was quite healthy under professional care, and I enjoyed the relaxers.
Skip to the present day, when, in this economy and our financial situation, getting a relaxer as often as I would like, as well as regular hair maintenance by a professional, which is the best way to do things, is just not fiscally responsible for me.
I know it may sound cliche', but having Sean changed the way I think about every single dollar I spend. Long gone are my "young, single, and free" days. Now I'm young, married, and Mommy. I've changed so much from that chick that used to spend her money on what she wanted when she wanted - travel, clothes, food, drink, gifts, whatever. I almost don't remember her. Even the chick that moved to Maryland and became a responsible teacher, even she lived life a little differently, had a much fuller social calendar, and, well, spent her money how she wanted.
Hair care is something that is so far down on my priority list that it doesn't even make the list, wherever that is. But, the thing is, since I've started on this journey to better health and taking better care of Nakeisha, and learning to be a better me all around, hair care has popped up.
Let's face it, everyone wants to put the best face forward for any and all impressions. I don't want to walk into my future classrooms looking like a bum. And, frankly, just letting my hair grow and not doing anything but ocassionally washing it is not going to cut it for me. I want it to be healthy - a reflection of the me on the inside manifesting itself on the outside.
So, these past few weeks, I've been researching on natural hair care. It's something I'm extremely interested in simply because I can do my hair myself, it won't cost anything like getting regular relaxers, and my hair can get healthy with no or few chemicals. I don't have to worry about breakage due to not having my hair retouched in two or three months. (Currently, I have a patch of very short hair at my crown, mostly because of that reason, partly because of stress)
Anyway, I really wanted to put this out there, hoping some of my friends will read this and let me know what they think about this. I really, truly need some help in this department. I would love to get my hair straightened, but not chemically, and not necessarily permanently, should I ever want to have that "wash'n'go wet" look.
So, what are your thoughts, friends? Hope to hear from you soon.
Like a flood, seriously, here it all is, rushing out of me as fast as I can type it.
Well, first, this whole continuously introspectiveness (I know that's probably not a word) has me rethinking everything I do, including my global footprint, how to make sure Dray and I buy a house that will allow us to go off the grid sooner rather than later, living more green and less wasteful each and everyday, and figuring out how to rally my apartment complex into recycling...
Any-hoo, this all centered on my hair these past few weeks. My hair is something that I have always loved. I loved my hair, I think, as soon as I knew what it was...I was told I had thick, somewhat unruly hair (until my gramma or mama would wet a brush and get some blue grease (some of you know what I'm talking about) and then my waves would show). I always took pride in that. And it was thick, wavy and past my shoulders when I was younger, especially after Mama would press it out. I loved my hair.
Then, relaxers entered the picture. As much as it was easier for my mom to do my hair, my hair was never as healthy, or as well taken care of, until she started taking me to the salon regularly.
Then, when I would get my hair done every other week or so, it would be wonderful. I think it was quite healthy under professional care, and I enjoyed the relaxers.
Skip to the present day, when, in this economy and our financial situation, getting a relaxer as often as I would like, as well as regular hair maintenance by a professional, which is the best way to do things, is just not fiscally responsible for me.
I know it may sound cliche', but having Sean changed the way I think about every single dollar I spend. Long gone are my "young, single, and free" days. Now I'm young, married, and Mommy. I've changed so much from that chick that used to spend her money on what she wanted when she wanted - travel, clothes, food, drink, gifts, whatever. I almost don't remember her. Even the chick that moved to Maryland and became a responsible teacher, even she lived life a little differently, had a much fuller social calendar, and, well, spent her money how she wanted.
Hair care is something that is so far down on my priority list that it doesn't even make the list, wherever that is. But, the thing is, since I've started on this journey to better health and taking better care of Nakeisha, and learning to be a better me all around, hair care has popped up.
Let's face it, everyone wants to put the best face forward for any and all impressions. I don't want to walk into my future classrooms looking like a bum. And, frankly, just letting my hair grow and not doing anything but ocassionally washing it is not going to cut it for me. I want it to be healthy - a reflection of the me on the inside manifesting itself on the outside.
So, these past few weeks, I've been researching on natural hair care. It's something I'm extremely interested in simply because I can do my hair myself, it won't cost anything like getting regular relaxers, and my hair can get healthy with no or few chemicals. I don't have to worry about breakage due to not having my hair retouched in two or three months. (Currently, I have a patch of very short hair at my crown, mostly because of that reason, partly because of stress)
Anyway, I really wanted to put this out there, hoping some of my friends will read this and let me know what they think about this. I really, truly need some help in this department. I would love to get my hair straightened, but not chemically, and not necessarily permanently, should I ever want to have that "wash'n'go wet" look.
So, what are your thoughts, friends? Hope to hear from you soon.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Happy Feelings
So, today is a good day. I'm really busy, if you will, doing a whole lot of nothing, but I plan on getting my last assignment finished for class on Monday.
Honestly, it's a great day. Nice outside, Sean is running around, Dray's amusing himself watching videos...Ha! And I'm typing on the computer. I'll probably start writing in a little bit, but before I got into one of my favorite stories (I think this will be a great book), I thought I would get on and say hey. It truly has been a while since I've been on, and I feel bad that I haven't written anything in a while, nothing uplifting or inspiration, or, well, anything at all. I've been in a yucky place emotionally and mentally.
We've still got lots going on, trust me - Dray and I are still challenging each other with the Biggest Loser challenge, I'm in school and LOVING every minute of it, for the most part ;) and I'm writing, playing with Sean, and enjoy my last week or so of freedom before the school year begins again.
It is truly a blessing to have such wonderful people and things in my life. I love my husband, son, cats, and...new addition to the area, my lil bro!
Anthony has officially joined life on the east coast and starts law school at Washington and Lee in a week, I think. I'm so excited and happy for him! Plus, he's close enough to hang out for holidays! Whoo-hoo!
Plus, I found out one of my favorite cousins is still living in Virginia! Margie, I'm soooo coming to visit...and I know you'll love Sean! (And, as a disclaimer, all of my cousins, with the exception of some very distant ones, are my favorites...I love them all! I have a great family!)
Okay, that's all for now. Get out and do something today. Enjoy your life before you realize that it's passed you by.
Peace.
Honestly, it's a great day. Nice outside, Sean is running around, Dray's amusing himself watching videos...Ha! And I'm typing on the computer. I'll probably start writing in a little bit, but before I got into one of my favorite stories (I think this will be a great book), I thought I would get on and say hey. It truly has been a while since I've been on, and I feel bad that I haven't written anything in a while, nothing uplifting or inspiration, or, well, anything at all. I've been in a yucky place emotionally and mentally.
We've still got lots going on, trust me - Dray and I are still challenging each other with the Biggest Loser challenge, I'm in school and LOVING every minute of it, for the most part ;) and I'm writing, playing with Sean, and enjoy my last week or so of freedom before the school year begins again.
It is truly a blessing to have such wonderful people and things in my life. I love my husband, son, cats, and...new addition to the area, my lil bro!
Anthony has officially joined life on the east coast and starts law school at Washington and Lee in a week, I think. I'm so excited and happy for him! Plus, he's close enough to hang out for holidays! Whoo-hoo!
Plus, I found out one of my favorite cousins is still living in Virginia! Margie, I'm soooo coming to visit...and I know you'll love Sean! (And, as a disclaimer, all of my cousins, with the exception of some very distant ones, are my favorites...I love them all! I have a great family!)
Okay, that's all for now. Get out and do something today. Enjoy your life before you realize that it's passed you by.
Peace.
Friday, July 31, 2009
My apologies
So I've been gone for far too long...it's been over a month since I actually typed a word on this blog. I'm so sorry. I've been really struggling with the fact that I want to write, I need to write every single day...so, I'm going to do that, in earnest, and actually start writing more and more each day, including "flashbacks" if you will, to former blog posts. I love to write, really and truly, and I need to act like a writer, not a person who's walking around feeling sorry for herself.
Okay, so that's that. End of. I'll see you again soon. Promise.
Love, love, love!!!!
Okay, so that's that. End of. I'll see you again soon. Promise.
Love, love, love!!!!
Friday, June 19, 2009
This just sucks
Right now, I'm feeling absolutely sorry for myself. I'll get over myself in a couple of days, I'm sure. I don't feel well, compounded by the fact that my husband will be working non stop on our anniversary this Saturday, and I have nothing to look forward to in the way of a vacation or a break until Christmas. I'm so tired, and I need a friend. I just wanna cry.
And the thing is, I don't necessarily want to talk about it, because I don't want to sound like I'm whining or that I can't take a little adversity.
I'm just tired, and I need a break. I need a big one. Some relief, and a huge bag of money (preferably filled with hundred dollar bills).
Well, that's all I've got right now. I guess I'll go cry in a corner now.
Peace.
And the thing is, I don't necessarily want to talk about it, because I don't want to sound like I'm whining or that I can't take a little adversity.
I'm just tired, and I need a break. I need a big one. Some relief, and a huge bag of money (preferably filled with hundred dollar bills).
Well, that's all I've got right now. I guess I'll go cry in a corner now.
Peace.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Totally Disconnected
So, I've been realizing that in the course of my blogging, most of my blogs have been about what's going on in my relationships. I suppose that's normal, especially when, right now, all I want to do is find something funny or witty to say and I can't. I really can't.
I'm feeling a lot like an alien. Like I'm not from here, nor do I belong here. When I say here, I'm referring to Maryland, and the life here in general.
I've been here for almost four years now, and even I cannot believe it. Within these four years, I have made only two or three friends that I truly love and know are truly my friends. One of them moved away to Florida, so that leaves me with what - one or two?
I want to reach out more and actually have tried some, not a lot, to reach out to others, but I don't really see anyone reaching back out to me.
I know that I'm a mommy, and my son comes first (and with me, almost everywhere I go...believe me, I'm really over it, and would LOVE to have a baby sitter on call...). And, I'm happily married, so I enjoy being with my husband.
However, that doesn't mean that I don't need or want girlfriends in my life.
In fact, when I see other people I try to get to know or at least see on a regular basis enjoying each other's company and having a good time, I feel excluded and alone, like being all by myself in a crowd of people.
It's not that anyone has done anything to make me feel this way, it's that it is the way I feel.
I've said it time and again, I'm so tired of being alone. Really. I know I'm not alone because God is always there, but, as I've said to Him on many occasions, it's nice to have a physical flesh and blood person to hold on to.
I guess I'll keep looking....
I'm feeling a lot like an alien. Like I'm not from here, nor do I belong here. When I say here, I'm referring to Maryland, and the life here in general.
I've been here for almost four years now, and even I cannot believe it. Within these four years, I have made only two or three friends that I truly love and know are truly my friends. One of them moved away to Florida, so that leaves me with what - one or two?
I want to reach out more and actually have tried some, not a lot, to reach out to others, but I don't really see anyone reaching back out to me.
I know that I'm a mommy, and my son comes first (and with me, almost everywhere I go...believe me, I'm really over it, and would LOVE to have a baby sitter on call...). And, I'm happily married, so I enjoy being with my husband.
However, that doesn't mean that I don't need or want girlfriends in my life.
In fact, when I see other people I try to get to know or at least see on a regular basis enjoying each other's company and having a good time, I feel excluded and alone, like being all by myself in a crowd of people.
It's not that anyone has done anything to make me feel this way, it's that it is the way I feel.
I've said it time and again, I'm so tired of being alone. Really. I know I'm not alone because God is always there, but, as I've said to Him on many occasions, it's nice to have a physical flesh and blood person to hold on to.
I guess I'll keep looking....
Sunday, May 31, 2009
I've been neglectful.
My apologies to all, and here's what's going on right now. So, I'm a little bit overwhelmed because my classes started, and I mean full force - I've got two (2) three credit hour classes which meet three times a week - one class on Tuesdays and Thursdays and the other class meets on Wednesdays.
I'm finishing up the last weeks of school with my students, and I'm going to be missing them because I will not be returning to that school in the fall...as far as I can see, anyway...
And, I'm getting frustrated over our Biggest Loser challenge because people were so gung-ho in the beginning, and now, five weeks into the process, I'm barely getting weigh-ins from folks. So far, my brother from another mother, Jerry, is WHOOPING our butts - he's lost over four percent of his body weight thus far. That's a big deal.
Anyway, I'm going to see how my progress is going, as promised, and post my measurements yet again. So, here's what they used to be - the last time I gave them to you, of course.
Chest - 52.25"
Waist - 56.5"
Hips - 56.5"
Arm (Left) - 15.75"
Arm (Right) - 16"
Thigh (Left) - 27"
Thigh (Right) - 27.5"
Now, here's the new ones:
Chest - 50.25"
Waist - 55"
Hips - 52"
Arm (Left) - 16"
Arm (Right) - 16.25"
Thigh (Left) - 26.625"
Thigh (Right) - 27"
Holy moly, ladies and gentlemen!!!! I'm calculating a total loss of 8.375 inches!!!! Oh My Gosh!!!
Well, I'm doing something really right...and I'm gonna keep going. Ain't no stoppin' me now!!!!
Keep watching and reading...I promise to amaze you!
I'm finishing up the last weeks of school with my students, and I'm going to be missing them because I will not be returning to that school in the fall...as far as I can see, anyway...
And, I'm getting frustrated over our Biggest Loser challenge because people were so gung-ho in the beginning, and now, five weeks into the process, I'm barely getting weigh-ins from folks. So far, my brother from another mother, Jerry, is WHOOPING our butts - he's lost over four percent of his body weight thus far. That's a big deal.
Anyway, I'm going to see how my progress is going, as promised, and post my measurements yet again. So, here's what they used to be - the last time I gave them to you, of course.
Chest - 52.25"
Waist - 56.5"
Hips - 56.5"
Arm (Left) - 15.75"
Arm (Right) - 16"
Thigh (Left) - 27"
Thigh (Right) - 27.5"
Now, here's the new ones:
Chest - 50.25"
Waist - 55"
Hips - 52"
Arm (Left) - 16"
Arm (Right) - 16.25"
Thigh (Left) - 26.625"
Thigh (Right) - 27"
Holy moly, ladies and gentlemen!!!! I'm calculating a total loss of 8.375 inches!!!! Oh My Gosh!!!
Well, I'm doing something really right...and I'm gonna keep going. Ain't no stoppin' me now!!!!
Keep watching and reading...I promise to amaze you!
Friday, May 8, 2009
Still....
I guess it's safe to say that I'm still dealing with the loss of my uncle. I'm so glad he is no longer in pain and is awaiting the calling of his name by God, on that great "gettin' up morning" as the old folks like to say (especially in the country). :)
I just wanted to post a blog for the sake of posting and letting everybody out there know I'm okay, and so is my family. Thanks for all the love and support.
I want to write sooo much, but I can't get my fingers and brain in alignment for some reason tonight. I've got to go make sure my son hasn't torn down the entire living room area where he keeps his toys - really, where I make him put his toys. :)
Good night, and hopefully I'll have something funny or humorous to write about soon...I sure hope I do...sheesh!
I just wanted to post a blog for the sake of posting and letting everybody out there know I'm okay, and so is my family. Thanks for all the love and support.
I want to write sooo much, but I can't get my fingers and brain in alignment for some reason tonight. I've got to go make sure my son hasn't torn down the entire living room area where he keeps his toys - really, where I make him put his toys. :)
Good night, and hopefully I'll have something funny or humorous to write about soon...I sure hope I do...sheesh!
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Love your family
I've been trying to sit down and write, actually, for several days now, but I just couldn't bring myself to blog because I would be rambling and just roaming from one thought to the next. I want my blogs to generally start and end somewhere, so, I stayed away for as long as I could.
I just can't avoid the inevitable. I must write. This must happen. So, I'll start from my point of wandering and try to bring it to a neat and polished closure.
My uncle died on Wednesday evening, at approximately 9:30pm, while I was in rehearsal, as I usually am on Wednesdays. My mother called me about 10:30, as I was on my way home from rehearsal, and she let me know he had passed. She called me Tuesday to inform me that he was dying and they were just really waiting to hear the news.
I cried as much as I could possibly cry and not have my poor husband concerned for my mental health. In other words, true to Watson form, I cried for about 10 minutes, or less, and then I was finished. Well, in front of him, anyway. I spent the rest of the day crying in spurts on Tuesday, just making sure that I was alone.
In times like these, I'm the type of person that wants to be alone, brooding, if you will, reminiscing with my thoughts and all the things I would have wanted to say or the scenarios that I wish would have happened. This is truly the case with my uncle.
My uncle, who was in his early 50s, was my father's older brother. Since it was just the two of them, they were very close growing up. As they got older, though, something happened.
I don't know what that something was, but I believe it involved my grandparents, and my uncle pulled away, if that's the best way to describe it, from the family. I don't know why, but I'm positive the family pulled away a little from him, too.
For years, I never really met my uncle, nor did I really know him, but I talked to him occasionally on the phone. My father and mother decided one year, along with my mom's sisters, my mom's mom (my other grandma), and my dad's parents that all us kids and grownups should visit Florida. Take a trip to Disney world. And, since my uncle and his family lived about an hour away from Orlando, we would stay with them.
This was the first time I remember meeting my cousins in the flesh. I've been told stories about how we used to stay with my Granma and PaPa together, but I don't remember. I was too young.
I loved them instantly, and I think they really liked us, too. It was great knowing I had a girl cousin my age, especially since I was surrounded by all the boys - my brother and my aunt's sons - on the trip. In fact, we became pen pals and wrote each other almost religiously throughout our middle school years and into high school. We lost touch a bit once we got to college, and then, nothing for years, to this very day, actually. We even got married within a month of each other. And we're born about a week apart. How's that for uncanny.
The same thing started to happen with my uncle again, but some very key things kept that from turning into years without contact. My grandparents started visiting him and his family in Florida. I was very happy about that. My uncle kept planning on coming to Texas to visit us. He never quite made it, though. I think I was upset about that for a while. And, through a few other incidents within the family, he began to keep in touch with us a little better.
In fact, he started coming to one of our annual traditions - the Mother's Day reunion. It was always so wonderful to see him and my Aunt Mary - they would even bring friends with them, but my cousins never came. I was saddened by this, but I came to understand that there was some rift between them and my uncle. I don't know the whole story, nor do I need to, but, it kept them away for a long time.
Now, as I prepare my own family to embark on a trip to say my final goodbyes to my uncle, I am thinking of how bittersweet this all is. For the first time in life, I will be meeting my cousin, Julius, whom I have never known, nor know anything about, and is my uncle's oldest child. And, all my cousins will be there - 'Neka, Man, and Carlos. And, hopefully, their families, too, whom I have also never met.
To be so close in bloodline, we know nothing, really, of each other, just a few memories here and there. This must change.
Please, friends, don't be like me. Not really knowing your first cousins, so much so that you would pass them on the street and not know who they are. Learn of your people, your family, your heritage. Love them, and know that even if you have differences in beliefs, religion, or anything else, you are family, you belong to each other.
God gave us all to each other to love and to care about and for one another.
Never forget that. And, please, learn from my family. I hope that we can build bridges and make those connections that exist and last for our children. Family is super important, and I think we've forgotten that in this society and culture we live in. Love your family, friends.
Love your family.
I just can't avoid the inevitable. I must write. This must happen. So, I'll start from my point of wandering and try to bring it to a neat and polished closure.
My uncle died on Wednesday evening, at approximately 9:30pm, while I was in rehearsal, as I usually am on Wednesdays. My mother called me about 10:30, as I was on my way home from rehearsal, and she let me know he had passed. She called me Tuesday to inform me that he was dying and they were just really waiting to hear the news.
I cried as much as I could possibly cry and not have my poor husband concerned for my mental health. In other words, true to Watson form, I cried for about 10 minutes, or less, and then I was finished. Well, in front of him, anyway. I spent the rest of the day crying in spurts on Tuesday, just making sure that I was alone.
In times like these, I'm the type of person that wants to be alone, brooding, if you will, reminiscing with my thoughts and all the things I would have wanted to say or the scenarios that I wish would have happened. This is truly the case with my uncle.
My uncle, who was in his early 50s, was my father's older brother. Since it was just the two of them, they were very close growing up. As they got older, though, something happened.
I don't know what that something was, but I believe it involved my grandparents, and my uncle pulled away, if that's the best way to describe it, from the family. I don't know why, but I'm positive the family pulled away a little from him, too.
For years, I never really met my uncle, nor did I really know him, but I talked to him occasionally on the phone. My father and mother decided one year, along with my mom's sisters, my mom's mom (my other grandma), and my dad's parents that all us kids and grownups should visit Florida. Take a trip to Disney world. And, since my uncle and his family lived about an hour away from Orlando, we would stay with them.
This was the first time I remember meeting my cousins in the flesh. I've been told stories about how we used to stay with my Granma and PaPa together, but I don't remember. I was too young.
I loved them instantly, and I think they really liked us, too. It was great knowing I had a girl cousin my age, especially since I was surrounded by all the boys - my brother and my aunt's sons - on the trip. In fact, we became pen pals and wrote each other almost religiously throughout our middle school years and into high school. We lost touch a bit once we got to college, and then, nothing for years, to this very day, actually. We even got married within a month of each other. And we're born about a week apart. How's that for uncanny.
The same thing started to happen with my uncle again, but some very key things kept that from turning into years without contact. My grandparents started visiting him and his family in Florida. I was very happy about that. My uncle kept planning on coming to Texas to visit us. He never quite made it, though. I think I was upset about that for a while. And, through a few other incidents within the family, he began to keep in touch with us a little better.
In fact, he started coming to one of our annual traditions - the Mother's Day reunion. It was always so wonderful to see him and my Aunt Mary - they would even bring friends with them, but my cousins never came. I was saddened by this, but I came to understand that there was some rift between them and my uncle. I don't know the whole story, nor do I need to, but, it kept them away for a long time.
Now, as I prepare my own family to embark on a trip to say my final goodbyes to my uncle, I am thinking of how bittersweet this all is. For the first time in life, I will be meeting my cousin, Julius, whom I have never known, nor know anything about, and is my uncle's oldest child. And, all my cousins will be there - 'Neka, Man, and Carlos. And, hopefully, their families, too, whom I have also never met.
To be so close in bloodline, we know nothing, really, of each other, just a few memories here and there. This must change.
Please, friends, don't be like me. Not really knowing your first cousins, so much so that you would pass them on the street and not know who they are. Learn of your people, your family, your heritage. Love them, and know that even if you have differences in beliefs, religion, or anything else, you are family, you belong to each other.
God gave us all to each other to love and to care about and for one another.
Never forget that. And, please, learn from my family. I hope that we can build bridges and make those connections that exist and last for our children. Family is super important, and I think we've forgotten that in this society and culture we live in. Love your family, friends.
Love your family.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
What is the deal...
with people who say they will show up for something, or participate in something, and then, at the last minute, after all the bows have been tied, money has exchanged hands, and places have been reserved, do people call to cancel, or, even worse, just not show up and not even call???!!!
I feel that is one of the most disrespectful things to do, and it shows something of your character. I understand that things happen at the "last minute" that are pressing and require immediate attention, but those rarities are few and far between. It's those jokers who RSVP and who promise over and over that they will be there, the ones that you count for, even if you feel like maybe you shouldn't, but you want to be safe, so you do anyway, that mess it all up.
That is the only thing that gives me pause about planning events or get-togethers because people flake out on you at the "last minute", with no good excuse, or even so much as a courtesy call.
Even if you don't have that much respect for yourself, try to have some for your reputation and either call if you truly have had a situation or circumstance that prevents you from attending an engagement you have given your word to attend, OR, at the very most, keep your word and show up for the event, even if only for a few minutes, to show that you are a person of integrity.
Yes, people, it is the little things. Really, it is.
I feel that is one of the most disrespectful things to do, and it shows something of your character. I understand that things happen at the "last minute" that are pressing and require immediate attention, but those rarities are few and far between. It's those jokers who RSVP and who promise over and over that they will be there, the ones that you count for, even if you feel like maybe you shouldn't, but you want to be safe, so you do anyway, that mess it all up.
That is the only thing that gives me pause about planning events or get-togethers because people flake out on you at the "last minute", with no good excuse, or even so much as a courtesy call.
Even if you don't have that much respect for yourself, try to have some for your reputation and either call if you truly have had a situation or circumstance that prevents you from attending an engagement you have given your word to attend, OR, at the very most, keep your word and show up for the event, even if only for a few minutes, to show that you are a person of integrity.
Yes, people, it is the little things. Really, it is.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Moving on...
Well, today, I was at small group, my one actual delight out of the week, besides singing on Sundays and church, too, and we were all discussing things that we are compelled to do, things we have been weighed down by, things that we would change, if money and such were no object...and it was really great. I really enjoyed everyone's comments, their viewpoints on things, and, in general, just having the opportunity to be among my peers and have open conversation about spiritual matters and practical ones, too.
A special shout out goes to Jamie, who I was SUPER EXCITED to see today, especially since I haven't seen her since before her trip. Yay! I think we think a lot alike...she just says it so much better than I do. But, I like writing, so maybe I write better than I speak? Hopefully so...
Anyway, I'm going to take Jamie's advice today, and make an accomplishment list of things that I've actually done in my lil lifetime. I say lil because I definitely haven't been here on the earth long enough to think I'm old, no matter what my younger brother says. ;P
This list is going to serve as my motivation to continue to try to get that leg over the edge and get out of my boat! So, here it goes...
My Accomplishments
...more accomplishments to come, but for now, I'll be continuing to move on...
A special shout out goes to Jamie, who I was SUPER EXCITED to see today, especially since I haven't seen her since before her trip. Yay! I think we think a lot alike...she just says it so much better than I do. But, I like writing, so maybe I write better than I speak? Hopefully so...
Anyway, I'm going to take Jamie's advice today, and make an accomplishment list of things that I've actually done in my lil lifetime. I say lil because I definitely haven't been here on the earth long enough to think I'm old, no matter what my younger brother says. ;P
This list is going to serve as my motivation to continue to try to get that leg over the edge and get out of my boat! So, here it goes...
My Accomplishments
- Singing in concert at church at the age of 3 or 4, I think. I definitely traveled and sang with my grandfather, Reverend Charlie Watson, when I was 3 and 4.
- Being able to write in cursive at age 5. That's just neat.
- Winning the lunch with the principal contest at Bruce Shulkey Elementary in 1st grade.
- Being invited to participate in the first E.A.G.L.E. class held at my school.
- Writing my first play in the third grade. It was about a flower garden. I also directed.
- Being the top five in the nation in Bible Verse Memory at the National Baptist Convention of America. That was sooooo crazy being on stage in front of all of those people...
- Becoming captain of my church's drill team. I was elected by my peers, and that meant a lot to me that they trusted me to be a good leader.
- Having a book "published" in my elementary school library.
- Becoming a Mustang Wrangler! Wow, who remembers that? I was a captain, too.
- Winning the first talent show ever held at my elementary school.
- Going to regionals for extemporaneous speaking in 7th grade, and for my poem recitation of one of my favorite Shel Silverstein poems about a sad clown who was accidentally funny.
- Getting inducted into the National Junior Honor Society, and before I left Crowley schools, joining band and playing the clarinet.
- Being in Mr. Spangler's band in 8th grade.
- Meeting Ms. Paula Bledsoe, and having her get me into debate and geography contests...our debate team was hottt! And I got second place in the geography contest I entered. :)
- Becoming a YFC at the end of my freshmen year of high school.
- Winning various awards in Spanish at the Language Fair my junior year.
- Meeting Mrs. Batlle and Mrs. Murray and having them as teachers.
- Being a finalist for the National Merit scholars. I was a National Commended Scholar.
- Becoming a National Merit Scholar. And a Superintendent Scholar. And a four year Tandy Scholar.
- Being a Natural Helper, mentoring kids, and other volunteer activities.
- Being a band section leader two years in a row.
- Becoming co-editor on the Newspaper staff in high school, and getting some great editorial pieces. I was also on the Yearbook staff.
- Taking 7 AP tests, and passing 5 of them. I became an AP Scholar, a pretty decent award given in each state...I just wasn't traveling to Austin to pick up my plaque.
- Organizing a "fan drive" for the elderly at my church, asking stores and church members for donations to keep the older folks with older homes (meaning no AC) cool during the summer!
- Completing the Transformation Program. This program changed my life for the better, and really made me think about the person I wanted to be.
- Getting scholarships to just about every college I applied, including full scholarships from FAMU, University of Alabama, Washington University, NCA&T (My alma mater), Howard University, Dartmouth, and the list goes on...
- Graduating in four years with two degrees - a B.A. in Spanish and a B.S. in Industrial and Systems Engineering. Yup. Praise God, and I graduated Cum Laude (with honors).
- Making the Dean's List all four years of college.
- Being inducted into Alpha Lambda Delta honor society, Sigma Delta Pi honor society, the IE honor society, and the Golden Key honor society.
- Marching in the Blue and Gold Marching Machine - I loved that band. I learned so much by being a member of this organization.
- Becoming clarinet section leader in the Blue and Gold Marching machine. Again, a position I was given, not one I asked for, and I was overwhelmed and honored.
- Auditioning for and making the Award winning Gospel Choir at NCA&T. I just never actually joined. My loss. :(
- Running the Algebra Lab for BCDI-Greensboro. I was asked to do it after only one year of volunteering.
- Getting a full fellowship to the University of Michigan for graduate studies in Engineering.
- Getting my first full-time job as an engineer. I was so proud that day.
- Becoming a volunteer for the Tarrant County Women's Center.
- Becoming a Fort Worth Jaycee, and being put in charge of the Habitat for Humanity project.
- Becoming a teacher.
- Meeting the guy God meant for me, and making a committment to him.
- Becoming a Mommy.
- Having really good friends who love me and challenge me to be better.
- Being a big sister to two really great guys. I love you!
- Having a relationship that is constantly growing with my parents.
- Auditioning for and making Zion's P&W team. I overcame some serious fears.
- Teaching Sean to say "please" and "thank you" and the clean up song...and he cleans!
...more accomplishments to come, but for now, I'll be continuing to move on...
Thursday, April 16, 2009
The Biggest Loser Challenge
Hi, everybody! So, this is information specifically for anyone who is interested in competing in our Biggest Loser Challenge.
The contest will begin MAY 1ST, As in two weeks from this coming Friday.
Everyone is competing as INDIVIDUALS, but you can train with others if you would like.
Remember, each INDIVIDUAL is responsible for his/her own weight loss. There are no teams in this challenge.
All INDIVIDUALS must weigh in each week and post their weekly weight online with a photograph as well.
To keep it legal, and to keep us all accountable to each other, I am opening up another blog page devoted to our Biggest Loser challenge. You can send your weekly measurements along with a weekly photo to me either on Facebook or to my e-mail: nsroland@ymail.com.
The measurements will be posted, not with your weight, but by how much percentage of weight you have lost each week. (I know that posting your actual poundage can be a bit much for people, plus, since they actually determine the winner by how much percentage of weight has been lost on the Biggest Loser, I thought it would be best to stay true to that).
Of course, this means you will have to be honest and send in your starting weight to me on May 1st, and then how many pounds you have lost each week thereafter. I will calculate everyone's percentages and have them posted by the next day.
ALL WEIGHT MEASUREMENTS AND PICTURES ARE DUE EACH FRIDAY BEFORE MIDNIGHT, EASTERN STANDARD TIME.
All participants will be known by first name only, with the exception of people with the same name, in which case, the first letter of the last name will also be used.
I will do my best to have them posted on our Biggest Loser blog by Saturday, or, at the latest, Sunday.
All participants must choose their own individual color. Color selections are first come, first serve.
The following colors are no longer available - BLACK, BLUE, GOLD.
All other colors are up for grabs, so, pick something you really like! :)
Failure to submit weight measurements and pictures for two consecutive weeks will be automatic disqualification from the contest.
No weight loss supplements such as HYDROXYCUT, EPHEDRIN, PHEN PHEN, and other such "quick" weight loss pills may be used during this contest.
Protein shakes and supplements are allowed within reason. Please consult a physician or nutritionist (dietitian) for proper usage and dosage of such supplements.
If you think you would like to take supplements or you know of something that you are currently or will be taking, please let us know on May 1st so that all can be made aware.
Body fat calculations will also play a role in determining a winner. We realize some people have more fat to lose (even "thin" people have fat to lose), than weight, so to speak, and this will also be a factor in the final outcome. Dray wants me to tell you that muscle gained during your weight regulating program will not be counted against you.
This is a contest, and, although every week on the TV show, someone is voted off, there will be no voting off here. Every person who starts the challenge will continue to have an opportunity to win.
The prize for our Biggest Loser Challenge is a ball to be thrown in the honor of the winner. The ball will be held the month following the end of the competition.
Due to the geographical locations of participants, there may be more than one ball to accommodate the winner(s).
The competition begins May 1st, 2009 and ends December 31st, 2009.
For any other questions, suggestions, or concerns, please reply to the blog post or to me on Facebook.
Good luck, and I am looking forward to seeing who truly will be the Biggest Loser.
The contest will begin MAY 1ST, As in two weeks from this coming Friday.
Everyone is competing as INDIVIDUALS, but you can train with others if you would like.
Remember, each INDIVIDUAL is responsible for his/her own weight loss. There are no teams in this challenge.
All INDIVIDUALS must weigh in each week and post their weekly weight online with a photograph as well.
To keep it legal, and to keep us all accountable to each other, I am opening up another blog page devoted to our Biggest Loser challenge. You can send your weekly measurements along with a weekly photo to me either on Facebook or to my e-mail: nsroland@ymail.com.
The measurements will be posted, not with your weight, but by how much percentage of weight you have lost each week. (I know that posting your actual poundage can be a bit much for people, plus, since they actually determine the winner by how much percentage of weight has been lost on the Biggest Loser, I thought it would be best to stay true to that).
Of course, this means you will have to be honest and send in your starting weight to me on May 1st, and then how many pounds you have lost each week thereafter. I will calculate everyone's percentages and have them posted by the next day.
ALL WEIGHT MEASUREMENTS AND PICTURES ARE DUE EACH FRIDAY BEFORE MIDNIGHT, EASTERN STANDARD TIME.
All participants will be known by first name only, with the exception of people with the same name, in which case, the first letter of the last name will also be used.
I will do my best to have them posted on our Biggest Loser blog by Saturday, or, at the latest, Sunday.
All participants must choose their own individual color. Color selections are first come, first serve.
The following colors are no longer available - BLACK, BLUE, GOLD.
All other colors are up for grabs, so, pick something you really like! :)
Failure to submit weight measurements and pictures for two consecutive weeks will be automatic disqualification from the contest.
No weight loss supplements such as HYDROXYCUT, EPHEDRIN, PHEN PHEN, and other such "quick" weight loss pills may be used during this contest.
Protein shakes and supplements are allowed within reason. Please consult a physician or nutritionist (dietitian) for proper usage and dosage of such supplements.
If you think you would like to take supplements or you know of something that you are currently or will be taking, please let us know on May 1st so that all can be made aware.
Body fat calculations will also play a role in determining a winner. We realize some people have more fat to lose (even "thin" people have fat to lose), than weight, so to speak, and this will also be a factor in the final outcome. Dray wants me to tell you that muscle gained during your weight regulating program will not be counted against you.
This is a contest, and, although every week on the TV show, someone is voted off, there will be no voting off here. Every person who starts the challenge will continue to have an opportunity to win.
The prize for our Biggest Loser Challenge is a ball to be thrown in the honor of the winner. The ball will be held the month following the end of the competition.
Due to the geographical locations of participants, there may be more than one ball to accommodate the winner(s).
The competition begins May 1st, 2009 and ends December 31st, 2009.
For any other questions, suggestions, or concerns, please reply to the blog post or to me on Facebook.
Good luck, and I am looking forward to seeing who truly will be the Biggest Loser.
Friday, April 10, 2009
What Dreams May Come
So, this past Sunday, Palm Sunday, if you will, while at church, I was listening to Pastor Battle talk about forgiveness. Focusing on the words Jesus spoke before He died on the cross. The first phrase, was "Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do."
Pastor Battle talked about how important forgiveness is to each of us, every single day of our lives, and especially to ourselves. I took the message in, thinking about all the times in my life when I needed to forgive someone, and I have tried hard and worked hard to forgive others.
In reflecting on my past, and present, and all the opportunities I have to forgive, I realized I was leaving one person out of the forgiveness circle. It was me. I definitely leave myself out of the forgiveness plan. Forgiveness for me? Nope. Not gonna happen. Sorry, self. You don't get to be forgiven.
I thought some more about why I felt that I did not deserve forgiveness from myself. Deep down, I believe I punish myself for not being perfect, or completing various tasks, assignments, and duties to the ability I believe I can complete them. I sometimes mentally bang my head against a wall and call myself "stupid, stupid, stupid" over and over again. I know this to be true.
So, in thinking about how I punish myself for being imperfect, knowing that I can never be perfect, I came to the conclusion that I perfectly set myself up to be disappointed and discouraged in myself all the time. This leads to low self-esteem and perhaps to other problems, like relationship -wise, with former friends, current friends, with my family, with people I care about and love.
So, tying all this in with the message, I couldn't help but think of a character in one of my favorite Robin Williams' movies to date - What Dreams May Come. In the movie, Robin Williams' character is married with two kids - a boy and a girl. He dies, and goes to Heaven, but he is taken on a journey to find his family, because no one was there, waiting for him, as he had been told and imagined.
In fact, in the movie, his wife was in Hell. In the movie, Hell was a truly awful place, more of your own personal prison than anything else...but I'm not going to get into the philosophical nature of everything...I digress.
Through flashbacks and dialog, you discover what happened to his family and how it became torn apart. The most revealing relationship was the one between Williams' character and his wife, played by Annabella Sciorra. Throughout the movie, and towards the end, various characters and Sciorra herself revealed to Williams why they had drifted so far apart. The best line in the movie was her answer to him as to why the tragedy they experienced had destroyed their lives and why grief was killing her, literally. She answered him, simply, "Because you didn't join me."
This line brings me a plethora of memories every time I hear it or even think about it. "Because you didn't join me." I start to wonder if perhaps I can't find a way to forgive myself because I don't think that anyone wants to join me - to join me in my healing, to join me in my pain, to join me in my hurts, sorrows, struggles.
I think, above all else, I just want someone to join me. To validate me, that I have the right to feel the way I feel, and to help me realize I can forgive myself. Because it's truly okay.
On Sunday, while Pastor Battle was preaching, I realized that someone had already joined me. That someone had been there - to join me in my pain, to join me in my hurts, sorrows and struggles, and to join me in my ultimate healing.
His name is Jesus. And he's always been there. Even when I didn't recognize it, even when I didn't see Him, even when I was too blinded by hurt, pain, and self-destruction. Jesus joined me. He took all my pain, my hurt, my sin, my sorrow, my struggle, and He filled Himself with it - and He died, carrying all that, so that I didn't have to anymore.
I am free to forgive myself. I can finally accept forgiveness. Wow.
I'm just going to let that settle in. May you all have a wonderful Easter season, and please, remember, you don't have to beat yourself up and make yourself the least. Jesus has already joined you. He's always there, and He loves you, especially when you don't love yourself.
Pastor Battle talked about how important forgiveness is to each of us, every single day of our lives, and especially to ourselves. I took the message in, thinking about all the times in my life when I needed to forgive someone, and I have tried hard and worked hard to forgive others.
In reflecting on my past, and present, and all the opportunities I have to forgive, I realized I was leaving one person out of the forgiveness circle. It was me. I definitely leave myself out of the forgiveness plan. Forgiveness for me? Nope. Not gonna happen. Sorry, self. You don't get to be forgiven.
I thought some more about why I felt that I did not deserve forgiveness from myself. Deep down, I believe I punish myself for not being perfect, or completing various tasks, assignments, and duties to the ability I believe I can complete them. I sometimes mentally bang my head against a wall and call myself "stupid, stupid, stupid" over and over again. I know this to be true.
So, in thinking about how I punish myself for being imperfect, knowing that I can never be perfect, I came to the conclusion that I perfectly set myself up to be disappointed and discouraged in myself all the time. This leads to low self-esteem and perhaps to other problems, like relationship -wise, with former friends, current friends, with my family, with people I care about and love.
So, tying all this in with the message, I couldn't help but think of a character in one of my favorite Robin Williams' movies to date - What Dreams May Come. In the movie, Robin Williams' character is married with two kids - a boy and a girl. He dies, and goes to Heaven, but he is taken on a journey to find his family, because no one was there, waiting for him, as he had been told and imagined.
In fact, in the movie, his wife was in Hell. In the movie, Hell was a truly awful place, more of your own personal prison than anything else...but I'm not going to get into the philosophical nature of everything...I digress.
Through flashbacks and dialog, you discover what happened to his family and how it became torn apart. The most revealing relationship was the one between Williams' character and his wife, played by Annabella Sciorra. Throughout the movie, and towards the end, various characters and Sciorra herself revealed to Williams why they had drifted so far apart. The best line in the movie was her answer to him as to why the tragedy they experienced had destroyed their lives and why grief was killing her, literally. She answered him, simply, "Because you didn't join me."
This line brings me a plethora of memories every time I hear it or even think about it. "Because you didn't join me." I start to wonder if perhaps I can't find a way to forgive myself because I don't think that anyone wants to join me - to join me in my healing, to join me in my pain, to join me in my hurts, sorrows, struggles.
I think, above all else, I just want someone to join me. To validate me, that I have the right to feel the way I feel, and to help me realize I can forgive myself. Because it's truly okay.
On Sunday, while Pastor Battle was preaching, I realized that someone had already joined me. That someone had been there - to join me in my pain, to join me in my hurts, sorrows and struggles, and to join me in my ultimate healing.
His name is Jesus. And he's always been there. Even when I didn't recognize it, even when I didn't see Him, even when I was too blinded by hurt, pain, and self-destruction. Jesus joined me. He took all my pain, my hurt, my sin, my sorrow, my struggle, and He filled Himself with it - and He died, carrying all that, so that I didn't have to anymore.
I am free to forgive myself. I can finally accept forgiveness. Wow.
I'm just going to let that settle in. May you all have a wonderful Easter season, and please, remember, you don't have to beat yourself up and make yourself the least. Jesus has already joined you. He's always there, and He loves you, especially when you don't love yourself.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Blessings and Honor...
I'm so thankful and so grateful. I guess I need to start with the reason, so I'll keep it short and sweet this time. No elaborate stories or any of the inner analysis that I usually try to bring to my blog each post. Just straight up gratefulness.
So, why am I thanking God and doing backflips in my apartment? (okay, the backflips are truly an exaggeration...cartwheels, yes, backflips, not so much...)
Well, I got my GRE scores today in the mail. And...well...I DID IT!!!! I am in the top 32 percentile in verbal and top 40 percentile in math, excuse me, quantitative reasoning. I also got a score of 5.5 of 6 on the writing section (but maybe that's not such a surprize, huh?).
Okay, why is this such good news? Well, because I studied, maybe a total of 36 hours right before the test, literally. I registered to take the test on Friday, March 6th. I took the test on Monday, March 9th. I haven't taken a test like this since 2000, so that means I was WAY out of the test-taking collegiate zone. Can you imagine? And my score is good enough for the Master's program at George Washington University.
Thank you, Lord!!!!! Thank you!!!!!!
Okay, just wanted to put something happy out there for y'all! Thanks for reading...and I'll be celebrating more than likely for the rest of the week!!!!
I'm so thankful and grateful to God for this blessing. It is something that reaffirms my faith. And, also, it is truly that lil bit of fresh air and the breeze I need to keep on sailing through this tumultuous sea. I am able to do so much...and I'm so glad to have the opportunity to prove it.
So, why am I thanking God and doing backflips in my apartment? (okay, the backflips are truly an exaggeration...cartwheels, yes, backflips, not so much...)
Well, I got my GRE scores today in the mail. And...well...I DID IT!!!! I am in the top 32 percentile in verbal and top 40 percentile in math, excuse me, quantitative reasoning. I also got a score of 5.5 of 6 on the writing section (but maybe that's not such a surprize, huh?).
Okay, why is this such good news? Well, because I studied, maybe a total of 36 hours right before the test, literally. I registered to take the test on Friday, March 6th. I took the test on Monday, March 9th. I haven't taken a test like this since 2000, so that means I was WAY out of the test-taking collegiate zone. Can you imagine? And my score is good enough for the Master's program at George Washington University.
Thank you, Lord!!!!! Thank you!!!!!!
Okay, just wanted to put something happy out there for y'all! Thanks for reading...and I'll be celebrating more than likely for the rest of the week!!!!
I'm so thankful and grateful to God for this blessing. It is something that reaffirms my faith. And, also, it is truly that lil bit of fresh air and the breeze I need to keep on sailing through this tumultuous sea. I am able to do so much...and I'm so glad to have the opportunity to prove it.
Monday, March 23, 2009
TONI GOT INTO GETTYSBURG COLLEGE
...AND...THEY GAVE HER A FULL SCHOLARSHIP TO BOOT!!!!
Toni, this is for you. Look at God answering all of our prayers. We all have been praying so hard for you, girl. You are intelligent, bright, talented, and gifted, with a great sense of humor. You are witty, pretty, and meant to take over a city...or a town like Gettysburg. :)
With so much love and everything, I just want to say, on behalf of Dray and I, that we are so glad and super excited to have you so close to us. We are so elated and hope that you decide to come up here - whether it be Gettysburg or Georgetown.
And, we promise to treat you like one of our sisters, because, well, we consider you that already.
GOOOOOOO TONI!!! YOU'RE GGRRRRREAT!!!!!
Toni, this is for you. Look at God answering all of our prayers. We all have been praying so hard for you, girl. You are intelligent, bright, talented, and gifted, with a great sense of humor. You are witty, pretty, and meant to take over a city...or a town like Gettysburg. :)
With so much love and everything, I just want to say, on behalf of Dray and I, that we are so glad and super excited to have you so close to us. We are so elated and hope that you decide to come up here - whether it be Gettysburg or Georgetown.
And, we promise to treat you like one of our sisters, because, well, we consider you that already.
GOOOOOOO TONI!!! YOU'RE GGRRRRREAT!!!!!
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Facing the Music
...so here I am, finally, with new measurements to talk about. It's totally my fault that I haven't posted them any sooner. I have definitely fallen off the wagon and I need to get back on, for the sake of my health and well-being. It's a new week. It's a new day. I can and I will start over again. This time, I'll start out with my walking, and then we'll progress to the heavy stuff later.
Now, even though I haven't been working out, I have been playing with Sean in the park and dancing around the house with him, not to mention major cleaning projects...you know, like, my entire house? Plus, everyday, whether I like it or not, I have to climb three flights of stairs up and down in order to get to my classroom for Spanish.
Okay, so that's all and it's time for me to quit stalling.
Here's the last set of measurements as you remembered. I had lost some inches. Gooo me!
Chest - 52.25"
Waist - 57.5"
Hips - 54.5"
Arm (Left) - 16.25"
Arm (Right) - 17"
Thigh (Left) - 27.75"
Thigh (Right) - 28"
Here is the new set, freshly measured last night (this early morning, actually).
Chest - 52.25"
Waist - 56.5"
Hips - 56.5" *What is going on here?!*
Arm (Left) - 15.75"
Arm (Right) - 16"
Thigh (Left) - 27"
Thigh (Right) - 27.5"
Okay...I'm dumbfounded, once again. I'm losing in every area except, oddly, my hips. That's a little disturbing...so what does that mean, exactly...? Looks like I need to get busy with some hip-slimming exercises. Oh, and my chest is staying the same also, but it's not getting BIGGER like my hips are (what in the world???)
God is really good. I'm not even sure how I'm pulling this off...so, I'll keep you posted, and I promise I'll start working out again. I expect my hips to do a reverse in the direction they are going...
Thanks for the love and support. I'll see you again soon.
Now, even though I haven't been working out, I have been playing with Sean in the park and dancing around the house with him, not to mention major cleaning projects...you know, like, my entire house? Plus, everyday, whether I like it or not, I have to climb three flights of stairs up and down in order to get to my classroom for Spanish.
Okay, so that's all and it's time for me to quit stalling.
Here's the last set of measurements as you remembered. I had lost some inches. Gooo me!
Chest - 52.25"
Waist - 57.5"
Hips - 54.5"
Arm (Left) - 16.25"
Arm (Right) - 17"
Thigh (Left) - 27.75"
Thigh (Right) - 28"
Here is the new set, freshly measured last night (this early morning, actually).
Chest - 52.25"
Waist - 56.5"
Hips - 56.5" *What is going on here?!*
Arm (Left) - 15.75"
Arm (Right) - 16"
Thigh (Left) - 27"
Thigh (Right) - 27.5"
Okay...I'm dumbfounded, once again. I'm losing in every area except, oddly, my hips. That's a little disturbing...so what does that mean, exactly...? Looks like I need to get busy with some hip-slimming exercises. Oh, and my chest is staying the same also, but it's not getting BIGGER like my hips are (what in the world???)
God is really good. I'm not even sure how I'm pulling this off...so, I'll keep you posted, and I promise I'll start working out again. I expect my hips to do a reverse in the direction they are going...
Thanks for the love and support. I'll see you again soon.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Politics and Bull$%@!
So...
I've been an idiot. I've been on Facebook, quite addicted, I must say, and I've been looking at former friend's pages and pictures, like a dummy. I've also been looking at pages of people who I'm supposed to be friends with, well, so I thought, and seeing all this activity that I was so unaware of.
I guess I was feeling really left out, looking at the pictures and comments and so on, and so forth.
I got really sad about it. Then really angry. Then sad again.
Sad at first because I was hurt by not being included - not a phone call, text message, voice message, e-mail, invitation, post card, facebook post on my wall or in my inbox - nothing.
Then really angry because I've been a friend. I'VE BEEN A FRIEND. Friends deserve to know stuff like that, unless people don't consider them friends. So, I guess I've been putting in time, work, etcetera for nothing. NOTHING.
Then sad again because I realized that being angry accomplishes nothing, and, in all honesty, there is nothing I can do about it. Really. Nothing. So....
I'll be getting over it pretty soon. There is no need to dwell on things like that.
But, as always, it's so interesting to me that people feel compelled to hide their true feelings/thoughts in order to preserve someone else's sense of a situation or circumstance.
I think sometimes, if you know something, you should not disclose that you know if you have no intentions of divulging that information. It is fine to keep a secret. I think it is tacky to admit you know a secret but will not share it. IF you are being held to something told you in confidence, than DON'T tell it! And don't act like you know. Be aloof and discreet.
I say this, not to judge, but to tell, from my own personal experience, what I have found to be true. I have done the former things - I have said, not literally, but figuratively "I know something you don't know". I have admitted I know something but I wouldn't share it. I have been held to things in confidence that I have told others. And I have acted like I knew something, but I just didn't say what.
I was immature. In some instances, I was a young adult, and that made it worse because I should have known better by then, but I felt compelled for some reason to tell someone something they had no business knowing. I WAS IMMATURE.
Trust me, I've learned the very, very hard way, that it is always best to keep your mouth shut.
The sad part about that was, I was never a real blabber mouth as a kid. I guess I got caught up in foolishness, and I adapted, albeit in a negative way, to my surroundings - friends, situations, and places.
I've lost friends, very close and dear to me, over political moves like secret keeping, selective secret telling, and "he said she said" and all of those types of moves for people with political aspirations of getting close to certain people, whatever their motives might have been.
I've lost opportunities and relationships because of bull$%@! like "she said..." even if I didn't say, but people believed I said because I "couldn't keep my mouth shut". None of these things had to be true, but someone just had to have one story that sounded good enough to be true.
Unfortunately, I'm still dealing with this in the grown up world. The ever present political world is not just in Washington, D.C. It's everywhere. There are cliques within your school, your group of friends (especially if there are four or more of you), your workplace, your family (you know this is true), and even your church - maybe especially your church.
How can you navigate through the sea of political turmoil without getting involved in the mess yourself?
Well, I'm learning, albeit in some cases very slowly, to keep your mouth firmly glued shut. Speak when spoken to. Make polite conversation. Dig deeper if you feel the spirit urging you on. Make friends, but show yourself trustworthy. Don't repeat everything you hear, and be very selective about what you say. Smile.
I'm getting to the point where I have really big ears and a much smaller mouth. My parents used to tell me when I was younger that my mouth would get me in trouble one day. IT DID. And, I can promise you, I've learned.
As much as it hurts, I guess, in many situations I will be in throughout my life, I will have to be content being on the outside looking in. That "alone in a crowd" feeling will never go away. I am going to have to try really hard to just be okay with that. I accept it. I just have to get to the point where that is okay. Right now, I want better than that, but right now it's all I got. I've just got to let that be.
I just want to be free of all the politics and bull$%@!. Doesn't look like that will ever happen.
I've been an idiot. I've been on Facebook, quite addicted, I must say, and I've been looking at former friend's pages and pictures, like a dummy. I've also been looking at pages of people who I'm supposed to be friends with, well, so I thought, and seeing all this activity that I was so unaware of.
I guess I was feeling really left out, looking at the pictures and comments and so on, and so forth.
I got really sad about it. Then really angry. Then sad again.
Sad at first because I was hurt by not being included - not a phone call, text message, voice message, e-mail, invitation, post card, facebook post on my wall or in my inbox - nothing.
Then really angry because I've been a friend. I'VE BEEN A FRIEND. Friends deserve to know stuff like that, unless people don't consider them friends. So, I guess I've been putting in time, work, etcetera for nothing. NOTHING.
Then sad again because I realized that being angry accomplishes nothing, and, in all honesty, there is nothing I can do about it. Really. Nothing. So....
I'll be getting over it pretty soon. There is no need to dwell on things like that.
But, as always, it's so interesting to me that people feel compelled to hide their true feelings/thoughts in order to preserve someone else's sense of a situation or circumstance.
I think sometimes, if you know something, you should not disclose that you know if you have no intentions of divulging that information. It is fine to keep a secret. I think it is tacky to admit you know a secret but will not share it. IF you are being held to something told you in confidence, than DON'T tell it! And don't act like you know. Be aloof and discreet.
I say this, not to judge, but to tell, from my own personal experience, what I have found to be true. I have done the former things - I have said, not literally, but figuratively "I know something you don't know". I have admitted I know something but I wouldn't share it. I have been held to things in confidence that I have told others. And I have acted like I knew something, but I just didn't say what.
I was immature. In some instances, I was a young adult, and that made it worse because I should have known better by then, but I felt compelled for some reason to tell someone something they had no business knowing. I WAS IMMATURE.
Trust me, I've learned the very, very hard way, that it is always best to keep your mouth shut.
The sad part about that was, I was never a real blabber mouth as a kid. I guess I got caught up in foolishness, and I adapted, albeit in a negative way, to my surroundings - friends, situations, and places.
I've lost friends, very close and dear to me, over political moves like secret keeping, selective secret telling, and "he said she said" and all of those types of moves for people with political aspirations of getting close to certain people, whatever their motives might have been.
I've lost opportunities and relationships because of bull$%@! like "she said..." even if I didn't say, but people believed I said because I "couldn't keep my mouth shut". None of these things had to be true, but someone just had to have one story that sounded good enough to be true.
Unfortunately, I'm still dealing with this in the grown up world. The ever present political world is not just in Washington, D.C. It's everywhere. There are cliques within your school, your group of friends (especially if there are four or more of you), your workplace, your family (you know this is true), and even your church - maybe especially your church.
How can you navigate through the sea of political turmoil without getting involved in the mess yourself?
Well, I'm learning, albeit in some cases very slowly, to keep your mouth firmly glued shut. Speak when spoken to. Make polite conversation. Dig deeper if you feel the spirit urging you on. Make friends, but show yourself trustworthy. Don't repeat everything you hear, and be very selective about what you say. Smile.
I'm getting to the point where I have really big ears and a much smaller mouth. My parents used to tell me when I was younger that my mouth would get me in trouble one day. IT DID. And, I can promise you, I've learned.
As much as it hurts, I guess, in many situations I will be in throughout my life, I will have to be content being on the outside looking in. That "alone in a crowd" feeling will never go away. I am going to have to try really hard to just be okay with that. I accept it. I just have to get to the point where that is okay. Right now, I want better than that, but right now it's all I got. I've just got to let that be.
I just want to be free of all the politics and bull$%@!. Doesn't look like that will ever happen.
What in the hell...
is really going on? I suppose I should say, to be more accurate, "What in the Earth...?" but, that's just about corny. So, I'll go with the expression that has been crafted and handed down through the years to describe confusion, frustration, and many other things as well, instead.
Right now, in this very moment, I have two very bright spots in my life. They are Dray and Sean. Now, this doesn't discount any of my other family members, it's just that I see these two everyday. And, since I see them everyday, and they are my husband and son, respectively, they are the biggest and brightest.
Especially when each day just seems to get more and more mundane. I'm so tired. I am. This struggle is starting to get to me. Robbing Peter to pay Paul? - I'm so over it. I'm tired of not having just enough to go get a new pair of pants (which I and Dray desperately need - at least one pair each), or a new phone (because my replacement is acting like it wants to short out...), or deciding whether to pay the lights or the water or the cable because we need internet access to look for and apply to jobs. The stress of whether or not we'll make rent has my back all in knots. I haven't gotten my hair done properly by a stylist in over six months, I think, and, although I miss getting my brows done and my pedis, I definitely prefer putting gas in the car. I've stopped working out (yeah, but I do commit to get back to it this week), I've started 'stress eating', and I'm wanting to cry at the drop of a hat, so I'll watch a movie and blame my tears on the movie to play it off. I can't let Dray see me like that...it would break him a little bit.
I know God is preparing us for something amazing. The thing is, the waiting part. The waiting and the struggling is so hard. It's really, really, really hard. Sometimes it is very difficult to enjoy the little things, and recognize the small moments of happiness or the beautiful things we discover each day.
However, I AM an optimist, so I try really hard. For example, each day, Sean is getting more and more verbal. There are whole phrases of things he says to us that are almost crystal clear. It is so exciting! And, he has begun mimicking every thing we say. So, that means we have had a hasty clean up of our language (and trust me, we are still working on that in some areas!).
Also, the lil kids at my school really like having me as a teacher. I wouldn't say I'm overly affectionate or even that nice to them, but they love me. I love them, too. That's why I'm not so nice. Kids need structure and order, discipline and rules. It helps them figure out what to do on their own when they get older. When they don't have anyone saying or showing them "this is appropriate social behavior" or "this is appropriate and respectful behavior towards others", they can create lots of problems for themselves.
Each of us has a choice to do the right thing or the easy thing. I hope and believe I'm helping them to choose the right thing. :)
Of course, with that being said, there are still some lil knuckleheads out there. You just love them, try to teach them the best you can, and keep moving on.
Positively, there is also my small group (yay! I love y'all!), my music ministry (thanks for letting me sing with y'all!), and folks like Nae, Shona, June, and others...
See? I can find some other bright spots besides my husband and son.
But, my reality is tough. Now, I'm not whining or complaining, I'm just telling it truthfully. God is good. Life is hard sometimes. Right now, it's really hard.
Just please, keep us in your prayers, and, thanks for reading.
Don't worry. We will never give up. We will always continue to reach upward and push forward. :)
Right now, in this very moment, I have two very bright spots in my life. They are Dray and Sean. Now, this doesn't discount any of my other family members, it's just that I see these two everyday. And, since I see them everyday, and they are my husband and son, respectively, they are the biggest and brightest.
Especially when each day just seems to get more and more mundane. I'm so tired. I am. This struggle is starting to get to me. Robbing Peter to pay Paul? - I'm so over it. I'm tired of not having just enough to go get a new pair of pants (which I and Dray desperately need - at least one pair each), or a new phone (because my replacement is acting like it wants to short out...), or deciding whether to pay the lights or the water or the cable because we need internet access to look for and apply to jobs. The stress of whether or not we'll make rent has my back all in knots. I haven't gotten my hair done properly by a stylist in over six months, I think, and, although I miss getting my brows done and my pedis, I definitely prefer putting gas in the car. I've stopped working out (yeah, but I do commit to get back to it this week), I've started 'stress eating', and I'm wanting to cry at the drop of a hat, so I'll watch a movie and blame my tears on the movie to play it off. I can't let Dray see me like that...it would break him a little bit.
I know God is preparing us for something amazing. The thing is, the waiting part. The waiting and the struggling is so hard. It's really, really, really hard. Sometimes it is very difficult to enjoy the little things, and recognize the small moments of happiness or the beautiful things we discover each day.
However, I AM an optimist, so I try really hard. For example, each day, Sean is getting more and more verbal. There are whole phrases of things he says to us that are almost crystal clear. It is so exciting! And, he has begun mimicking every thing we say. So, that means we have had a hasty clean up of our language (and trust me, we are still working on that in some areas!).
Also, the lil kids at my school really like having me as a teacher. I wouldn't say I'm overly affectionate or even that nice to them, but they love me. I love them, too. That's why I'm not so nice. Kids need structure and order, discipline and rules. It helps them figure out what to do on their own when they get older. When they don't have anyone saying or showing them "this is appropriate social behavior" or "this is appropriate and respectful behavior towards others", they can create lots of problems for themselves.
Each of us has a choice to do the right thing or the easy thing. I hope and believe I'm helping them to choose the right thing. :)
Of course, with that being said, there are still some lil knuckleheads out there. You just love them, try to teach them the best you can, and keep moving on.
Positively, there is also my small group (yay! I love y'all!), my music ministry (thanks for letting me sing with y'all!), and folks like Nae, Shona, June, and others...
See? I can find some other bright spots besides my husband and son.
But, my reality is tough. Now, I'm not whining or complaining, I'm just telling it truthfully. God is good. Life is hard sometimes. Right now, it's really hard.
Just please, keep us in your prayers, and, thanks for reading.
Don't worry. We will never give up. We will always continue to reach upward and push forward. :)
I've been a bum. I apologize.
Yeah, and I know, many of you may or may not read this because it's been just about a month since I last posted anything.
I currently owe you about two sets of measurements, which I will not be posting this week either simply because it is physically a time of month that isn't going to give me the most accurate measurements. Hopefully, you can read between the lines on that one.
In other news, well, there is plenty to talk about.
Dray's dad is recovering from 'stroke-like' symptoms he suffered this past month, like, a little after I wrote my last post, in mid February. I personally believe he had a full on stroke, but that's what the doctors told the family, so I guess I'll go with that. Thank God he is getting back to his old, sweet, smiling self. Now we've all just got to try to get him to stop working so much...the man is in his late 70s! Sheesh!
There is finally a light at the end of the tunnel. We are starting to get caught up with all our financial obligations that we really need to pay. That's always a plus. Thank you to all of you who were praying and sending kind thoughts, words, etc. our way. We are so thankful for family and friends who care.
Also, I'm feeling very frustrated about what is going on with my transcripts and such with GWU. They still have not received all my documents, and I'm very, very, very anxious. I really want to get into this program. I truly believe it is an opportunity I cannot let pass me by, so I'm going to get going on tracking down my documents and finding out why it has taken over TWO MONTHS for some of them to make it to GWU. Goodness gracious!
This blog is primarily for the purpose of updating you. I've got some more coming down the pike that deal directly with, well, the emotional stuff I've got to get out. With that being said, I hope you all continue reading.
If you do read this blog, please become a follower. It would be nice to look on my page and see how many of you are actually reading. Although this is really an outlet for me, I am truly hoping anything I'm writing is helping someone, or, for my friends, allowing you to keep up with what's going on with me.
Thanks for reading. See you soon.
I currently owe you about two sets of measurements, which I will not be posting this week either simply because it is physically a time of month that isn't going to give me the most accurate measurements. Hopefully, you can read between the lines on that one.
In other news, well, there is plenty to talk about.
Dray's dad is recovering from 'stroke-like' symptoms he suffered this past month, like, a little after I wrote my last post, in mid February. I personally believe he had a full on stroke, but that's what the doctors told the family, so I guess I'll go with that. Thank God he is getting back to his old, sweet, smiling self. Now we've all just got to try to get him to stop working so much...the man is in his late 70s! Sheesh!
There is finally a light at the end of the tunnel. We are starting to get caught up with all our financial obligations that we really need to pay. That's always a plus. Thank you to all of you who were praying and sending kind thoughts, words, etc. our way. We are so thankful for family and friends who care.
Also, I'm feeling very frustrated about what is going on with my transcripts and such with GWU. They still have not received all my documents, and I'm very, very, very anxious. I really want to get into this program. I truly believe it is an opportunity I cannot let pass me by, so I'm going to get going on tracking down my documents and finding out why it has taken over TWO MONTHS for some of them to make it to GWU. Goodness gracious!
This blog is primarily for the purpose of updating you. I've got some more coming down the pike that deal directly with, well, the emotional stuff I've got to get out. With that being said, I hope you all continue reading.
If you do read this blog, please become a follower. It would be nice to look on my page and see how many of you are actually reading. Although this is really an outlet for me, I am truly hoping anything I'm writing is helping someone, or, for my friends, allowing you to keep up with what's going on with me.
Thanks for reading. See you soon.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
My Father's Daughter
So....
I had to let a few days pass since I got the news my parents would be helping us out with a few expenses before I posted this blog. I had to let those days pass simply because I was hurting, I was upset, I was angry, and I needed to be sure that when I wrote, it was not out of anger, frustration, or hurt.
My goal would be to communicate that I am hurting, but not go beyond that into a place by saying things I would later regret.
It is very important to me to think before speaking as well as before writing because, ultimately, in the end of everything, only I am responsible for what I have said and done. No one else.
Okay, so, the reason for writing this is to discuss a very deep and personal misunderstanding that occurs between my parents and I.
To the entire universe, I would say my parents are the best parents on Earth. They loved us, raised us to love God, our fellow man, and each other, and they allowed us to dream big and think outside the box. They encouraged us to be multi-faceted, and to learn about others cultures, languages, everything, because they believe in the collective power of diversity.
My mom and dad rock!
However, as with anything, there is another side. This is the painful, hurtful, deep cutting and even deeper wounding side.
My parents have also judged me harshly, falsely accused me of doing things I did not do, called me names, told me they didn't know who I was because I wasn't acting like their child, and so on, and so forth. They have also made me feel as if I could never please them, that I make poor decisions, that I don't know how to properly take care of myself or my family.
The thing is, even when I've tried to talk to them about it, they seem to be nothing but defensive, and even when I come with the utmost respect and humility. They don't remember things that have transpired between us, as well as taking no responsibility for things they may have said or done.
This hurts me deeply. In fact, in asking for help, which I did this past week, I was made to feel less than, inferior, as if I made poor decisions and continue to make poor decisions, stupid, and alone.
I really needed to feel their love and support, and instead I felt judged and unwanted. As if I was bothering them.
Now, let me tell you, I work hard not to ask my parents for anything. I put myself through college on scholarships, and through grad school on scholarships and loans, and I went out of my way to make sure I would not be a burden on my parents.
So, why do I feel like I've failed them and myself because right now, in this moment, I need help?
That's all I've got to say on this...I can't write anymore. This just hurts too much.
I had to let a few days pass since I got the news my parents would be helping us out with a few expenses before I posted this blog. I had to let those days pass simply because I was hurting, I was upset, I was angry, and I needed to be sure that when I wrote, it was not out of anger, frustration, or hurt.
My goal would be to communicate that I am hurting, but not go beyond that into a place by saying things I would later regret.
It is very important to me to think before speaking as well as before writing because, ultimately, in the end of everything, only I am responsible for what I have said and done. No one else.
Okay, so, the reason for writing this is to discuss a very deep and personal misunderstanding that occurs between my parents and I.
To the entire universe, I would say my parents are the best parents on Earth. They loved us, raised us to love God, our fellow man, and each other, and they allowed us to dream big and think outside the box. They encouraged us to be multi-faceted, and to learn about others cultures, languages, everything, because they believe in the collective power of diversity.
My mom and dad rock!
However, as with anything, there is another side. This is the painful, hurtful, deep cutting and even deeper wounding side.
My parents have also judged me harshly, falsely accused me of doing things I did not do, called me names, told me they didn't know who I was because I wasn't acting like their child, and so on, and so forth. They have also made me feel as if I could never please them, that I make poor decisions, that I don't know how to properly take care of myself or my family.
The thing is, even when I've tried to talk to them about it, they seem to be nothing but defensive, and even when I come with the utmost respect and humility. They don't remember things that have transpired between us, as well as taking no responsibility for things they may have said or done.
This hurts me deeply. In fact, in asking for help, which I did this past week, I was made to feel less than, inferior, as if I made poor decisions and continue to make poor decisions, stupid, and alone.
I really needed to feel their love and support, and instead I felt judged and unwanted. As if I was bothering them.
Now, let me tell you, I work hard not to ask my parents for anything. I put myself through college on scholarships, and through grad school on scholarships and loans, and I went out of my way to make sure I would not be a burden on my parents.
So, why do I feel like I've failed them and myself because right now, in this moment, I need help?
That's all I've got to say on this...I can't write anymore. This just hurts too much.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
And the Biggest Loser Is...
So, tonight, well, technically at the midnight hour of this Sunday morning, I was watching last week's episode of The Biggest Loser, which I had missed, sadly.
As I was suspecting, the Silver Team, the only Black team remaining, was eliminated. But, I'm not crying foul because the sistahs got voted off. The teams all made the right decision, and Carla, the only one on that team that gave a good gosh darn, knew that they were.
I felt terrible for her, and, it made me think of all the past relationships I've had with people, including the whole "keeping up appearances" blog post last year.
What made me mad and compelled to write was Joelle, Carla's best friend, now no longer her friend at all, seemed to get all "foggy" and "I don't know to what you're referring" on Carla when she (Carla) wanted to address some of the issues she had with her (Joelle) upon leaving the ranch.
Joelle wasn't having it, talking about how it was the past and she wasn't going to participate in repetitive behavior, and rehash old things.
I don't like people like that. People that don't give you a chance to say what you feel or to express your thoughts about a point in time that you shared together or disagreed about.
Joelle clearly had "moved on" (I highly doubt it), but she wasn't willing to let Carla say her piece and clear the air. Carla expressed, finally, that she guessed Joelle was never her friend in the beginning.
About three women in particular, I feel that way. The one that hurts me the most is the one I was friends with the longest, and still, in fact, I appear to be friends with, but really am not. She is friends with a woman who never liked me (that is a story for another post, trust me...people really are a trip, especially when they don't talk to you directly about something or someone you supposedly have some sort of relationship with...) currently, and they are very close, and became close after my friend and I had a "falling out" if you will.
My friend, who I was the closest to and had the most in common with, really froze me out the months/weeks before I moved from Texas. I tried to apologize to her, to mend the fence, and I honestly, still to this day am wondering why she didn't confront me in the beginning before it grew to some sort of problem. I had known her since I was six years old, and, at the age of 26, I thought she would consider me a sister and cuss me out if need be for something I did wrong. I would have done that with her simply because I loved her like my own blood.
But she did not. Instead, she decided at the last minute she didn't want to room with me on our church's women's retreat. She barely invited me to her birthday celebration. She stopped answering my calls and barely returning them. For a period of two weeks, she ignored me, literally.
Oh, I cannot tell you how deeply that hurt me. I loved that woman, and I still love her, but I realize that she didn't want me as her friend.
I cried over that, I prayed over that, I tried to figure out how to make it all up to her. I did. I would put my hand on any bible, swear to the truth of that in any court. I DID.
I got no response from her.
At the request of her brother, last year (Christmas 2007), I reached out to her, I sent her an e-mail last year, she was invited to (and attended) my wedding, and, still, she has no time to address that thing. Or anything with me.
What I've found, especially with the women of my younger days, is that, maybe they really didn't care for me at all. I can't imagine somebody really caring about you and then totally cutting you out of their life like you never existed and replacing you, no less, before you knew you had been cut out.
I have written letters and burned them, to release the feelings and some of the hurt. I have cried, and prayed, truly, prayed, asking God to give me more wisdom.
I know that I can honestly say, no matter what I have done in my life, especially concerning these three women, I never did anything from spite or maliciousness. It may be hard for them or other people who know our stories to believe, but I always had the best intentions. ALWAYS.
I know from experience that good intentions don't always result well, and I can accept my shortcomings. I ask for forgiveness. From all of them, and for myself from myself. That is all I can do. I cannot do anymore.
I accept the fate of things for what they are. One day, I hope for complete closure from this, but for now, I can be happy that I tried, and haven't given up on any of them.
My arms and heart and doors have always been open. They have never been closed. But, I'm not going to allow this impasse we have between us effect my hopes, dreams, and goals for past, present, and future relationships with women, like I have been doing.
Here's to pressing on, and letting God work on each of us. I don't want anymore of my relationships to end up like Joelle's and Carla's.
I can be the biggest loser of my pride and selfishness. I hope they read this.
But, even if they don't, I hope you, my friends, learn something from me. We all could use to lose a little weight in the pride and selfishness area.
Thanks for reading.
As I was suspecting, the Silver Team, the only Black team remaining, was eliminated. But, I'm not crying foul because the sistahs got voted off. The teams all made the right decision, and Carla, the only one on that team that gave a good gosh darn, knew that they were.
I felt terrible for her, and, it made me think of all the past relationships I've had with people, including the whole "keeping up appearances" blog post last year.
What made me mad and compelled to write was Joelle, Carla's best friend, now no longer her friend at all, seemed to get all "foggy" and "I don't know to what you're referring" on Carla when she (Carla) wanted to address some of the issues she had with her (Joelle) upon leaving the ranch.
Joelle wasn't having it, talking about how it was the past and she wasn't going to participate in repetitive behavior, and rehash old things.
I don't like people like that. People that don't give you a chance to say what you feel or to express your thoughts about a point in time that you shared together or disagreed about.
Joelle clearly had "moved on" (I highly doubt it), but she wasn't willing to let Carla say her piece and clear the air. Carla expressed, finally, that she guessed Joelle was never her friend in the beginning.
About three women in particular, I feel that way. The one that hurts me the most is the one I was friends with the longest, and still, in fact, I appear to be friends with, but really am not. She is friends with a woman who never liked me (that is a story for another post, trust me...people really are a trip, especially when they don't talk to you directly about something or someone you supposedly have some sort of relationship with...) currently, and they are very close, and became close after my friend and I had a "falling out" if you will.
My friend, who I was the closest to and had the most in common with, really froze me out the months/weeks before I moved from Texas. I tried to apologize to her, to mend the fence, and I honestly, still to this day am wondering why she didn't confront me in the beginning before it grew to some sort of problem. I had known her since I was six years old, and, at the age of 26, I thought she would consider me a sister and cuss me out if need be for something I did wrong. I would have done that with her simply because I loved her like my own blood.
But she did not. Instead, she decided at the last minute she didn't want to room with me on our church's women's retreat. She barely invited me to her birthday celebration. She stopped answering my calls and barely returning them. For a period of two weeks, she ignored me, literally.
Oh, I cannot tell you how deeply that hurt me. I loved that woman, and I still love her, but I realize that she didn't want me as her friend.
I cried over that, I prayed over that, I tried to figure out how to make it all up to her. I did. I would put my hand on any bible, swear to the truth of that in any court. I DID.
I got no response from her.
At the request of her brother, last year (Christmas 2007), I reached out to her, I sent her an e-mail last year, she was invited to (and attended) my wedding, and, still, she has no time to address that thing. Or anything with me.
What I've found, especially with the women of my younger days, is that, maybe they really didn't care for me at all. I can't imagine somebody really caring about you and then totally cutting you out of their life like you never existed and replacing you, no less, before you knew you had been cut out.
I have written letters and burned them, to release the feelings and some of the hurt. I have cried, and prayed, truly, prayed, asking God to give me more wisdom.
I know that I can honestly say, no matter what I have done in my life, especially concerning these three women, I never did anything from spite or maliciousness. It may be hard for them or other people who know our stories to believe, but I always had the best intentions. ALWAYS.
I know from experience that good intentions don't always result well, and I can accept my shortcomings. I ask for forgiveness. From all of them, and for myself from myself. That is all I can do. I cannot do anymore.
I accept the fate of things for what they are. One day, I hope for complete closure from this, but for now, I can be happy that I tried, and haven't given up on any of them.
My arms and heart and doors have always been open. They have never been closed. But, I'm not going to allow this impasse we have between us effect my hopes, dreams, and goals for past, present, and future relationships with women, like I have been doing.
Here's to pressing on, and letting God work on each of us. I don't want anymore of my relationships to end up like Joelle's and Carla's.
I can be the biggest loser of my pride and selfishness. I hope they read this.
But, even if they don't, I hope you, my friends, learn something from me. We all could use to lose a little weight in the pride and selfishness area.
Thanks for reading.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Finding Nemo (and Nakeisha)
Today, this afternoon, I watched Finding Nemo with Sean. I love this little movie because there are so many lessons to learn from the story, for adults and kids. One of the big ones for us adults is that we cannot control everything and we have to let our kids learn, grow, etc. One of Ellen's lines (aka the blue fish Dorie) was (speaking to Albert Brooks, aka Marlin the clown fish), "You can't promise that. You can't promise to let nothing happen to him cuz then nothing'll happen to him, lil Emo." (or whatever wrong thing she called Nemo).
That speaks to me, to keep my guard, but also to let Sean explore.
Today, however, that wasn't the main thing that grabbed me.
What caught my attention and promptly brought me to tears, was when the pelican friend of the aquarium dwellers came into the dentist's window and began to tell Nemo about his father, and all he went through to try to find him.
The exact line that had me crying was, "Your father's searching the whole ocean to find you."
Applying that to my own life, I thought about the love of God. Did you know that, each of us, like lost children, or anyone who gets lost, is actively and intensely pursued by God?
When I'm lost, and I can't get back again, He looks for me, and He will find me, and bring me home.
I hope, my friends, that all of you will reach the same conclusion one day - that no matter what, God loves you, He really, really loves you. No matter how lost, alone, frustrated, confused, and without a friend you may feel, God is there, and He loves you, and He will look for you, find you, and bring you home.
The choice is, as always, yours.
Love you, and thanks for reading.
That speaks to me, to keep my guard, but also to let Sean explore.
Today, however, that wasn't the main thing that grabbed me.
What caught my attention and promptly brought me to tears, was when the pelican friend of the aquarium dwellers came into the dentist's window and began to tell Nemo about his father, and all he went through to try to find him.
The exact line that had me crying was, "Your father's searching the whole ocean to find you."
Applying that to my own life, I thought about the love of God. Did you know that, each of us, like lost children, or anyone who gets lost, is actively and intensely pursued by God?
When I'm lost, and I can't get back again, He looks for me, and He will find me, and bring me home.
I hope, my friends, that all of you will reach the same conclusion one day - that no matter what, God loves you, He really, really loves you. No matter how lost, alone, frustrated, confused, and without a friend you may feel, God is there, and He loves you, and He will look for you, find you, and bring you home.
The choice is, as always, yours.
Love you, and thanks for reading.
I'm behind...
and I apologize for it. I'm a few days overdue on the posting of my measurements. It's been two weeks, and, frankly, I haven't worked out nearly as much as I would have liked.
I've been so stressed. We're just in need of better jobs, more money, and another car. What can I say. That's the truth. No bones about it.
I'm trying to just trust God and do my best to let it go because I realize so much of this is not in my control, nor can I control it - I cannot control if employers choose my resume' (outside of making sure my resume' is the best thing since sliced bread), I cannot make people hire me, I cannot manufacture money (unless I want to rot in a federal prison for counterfeiting), and I cannot make a car materialize out of thin air (unless, again, I want to go to jail for carjacking, sheesh!).
Anyway, here's my measurements, and I'll comment after I post them.
First, here's measurements from two weeks ago.
Chest - 52.25"
Waist - 58.375"
Hips - 53.75"
Arm (Left) - 18.25"
Arm (right) - 18"
Thigh (Left) - 29.25"
Thigh (right) - 30"
Here's measurements from tonight, just now in fact.
Chest - 52.25"
Waist - 57.5"
Hips - 54.5"
Arm (Left) - 16.25"
Arm (Right) - 17"
Thigh (Left) - 27.75"
Thigh (Right) - 28"
Wow. I don't think I expected results like this. I''m totally overwhelmed right now with a feeling of acoomplishment. This means I need to keep working hard, harder, than I have been, and, that this actually is a transformative thing.
I'm so happy right now. Thank God for this, because I'll be really honest. I needed this good news.
Oh, wow. I can't wait to tell Dray...I know he'll be just as happy as I am!
Well, here we go...in two more weeks, let's see what I can do!
Take care, and thanks for reading. I'll see you again soon!
I've been so stressed. We're just in need of better jobs, more money, and another car. What can I say. That's the truth. No bones about it.
I'm trying to just trust God and do my best to let it go because I realize so much of this is not in my control, nor can I control it - I cannot control if employers choose my resume' (outside of making sure my resume' is the best thing since sliced bread), I cannot make people hire me, I cannot manufacture money (unless I want to rot in a federal prison for counterfeiting), and I cannot make a car materialize out of thin air (unless, again, I want to go to jail for carjacking, sheesh!).
Anyway, here's my measurements, and I'll comment after I post them.
First, here's measurements from two weeks ago.
Chest - 52.25"
Waist - 58.375"
Hips - 53.75"
Arm (Left) - 18.25"
Arm (right) - 18"
Thigh (Left) - 29.25"
Thigh (right) - 30"
Here's measurements from tonight, just now in fact.
Chest - 52.25"
Waist - 57.5"
Hips - 54.5"
Arm (Left) - 16.25"
Arm (Right) - 17"
Thigh (Left) - 27.75"
Thigh (Right) - 28"
Wow. I don't think I expected results like this. I''m totally overwhelmed right now with a feeling of acoomplishment. This means I need to keep working hard, harder, than I have been, and, that this actually is a transformative thing.
I'm so happy right now. Thank God for this, because I'll be really honest. I needed this good news.
Oh, wow. I can't wait to tell Dray...I know he'll be just as happy as I am!
Well, here we go...in two more weeks, let's see what I can do!
Take care, and thanks for reading. I'll see you again soon!
Monday, February 2, 2009
Thoughts of Sean, and Sade
So, technically last night, but, since I'm still up, it would be tonight for me, I put Sean to bed. Sometimes, he wakes up, and I or Dray rush in to his room to get him back to sleep.
Tonight, since I was already anticipating him waking up once, I was ready to run in and fulfill my parental duty. Sean woke up, as expected, and I got him back to sleep, pretty quickly. In fact, he laid back down the moment he saw me come into the room, almost as if he, too, was expecting me to hear him and come in and sit by his cribside.
I sat and rubbed his back, as he drifted back into la-la land, and I decided to stick around for a few minutes. I love watching him sleep, and I just sat there, taking in the rhythmic rising and falling of his chest, watching the peacefulness of his face, his long eyelashes gently caressing his face as his eyes were closed, seemingly effortlessly on his part. :)
I'm a music nut, so, when I'm just sitting in silence, in my head, there's usually a song or two playing, and, while I was sitting there watching my beautiful son, the song by Sade, By Your Side, kept running through my head. I just sat there, in awe, thanking God for this beautiful little creature He entrusted to me and Dray, while the following lyrics were running through my thoughts.
From the chorus: "Oh, when your low, I'll be there, by your side, baby. Oh, when your cold, I'll be there, to hold you tight, to me." And then, from the bridge: "And if you want to cry, I'll be here to dry your eyes. And in no time, you'll be fine."
It made me think about how all of us start out as lil bundles of joy. It also made me wonder how my parents thought of me, my brothers, and if they looked at me and eventually, us, with the same wonderment and awe and thankfulness and humility and responsibility that I now look at my son. It also made me wonder when that all changes. When do we stop being our parents' little wonders and when do we start drifting away from each other, or growing closer as adults or separate human beings?
Here's an example, that happens to be from my own perspective.
My parents had me at an early age. They were in college, in fact, when I was born. Since they were both determined to finish school, I was shuffled, quite happily, between my mom's family and my dad's family. The good news was that both families lived in the same state. The bad news was that their families lived four hours away from each other in the same state. No big deal, though, because, as it is now well known, both of my parents' families get along famously well with each other. Between all the cousins, grandparents, brothers, sisters, aunts, and uncles, everyone combines to make one really big happy family. It's truly a blessing.
Suffice it to say that my mom, dad, and I kind of grew up together. Having said this, I've always wondered if they view me somewhat as a little sister and less as a daughter. I've always been curious about this, simply because there were times in my younger life when I felt like I really needed a mommy and I had a best friend, who was wiser and smarter than me. There were times when I felt really distant from my father, and that's because of a terrible event in my youth that I don't really discuss (please see previous blogs to put it all together if you'd like). I felt like I needed a dad and I got someone who just, well, was looking out for my best interests, but didn't express it in the way a 12 year old girl needed to hear it.
I get that my parents have their own parent issues, and even some scars that they've never discussed, perhaps, and why would they, with my brothers and I. But, in my day to day, I wonder how much of what I wanted or needed from them will affect how I parent my own son.
I hope that I will always be emotionally and mentally available to my son, whatever the situation or circumstance. I will pray that this is so, and ask God to give me discernment about how to speak to him. I don't want my words to damage him in any way, and I especially don't want to make him feel less than or that he's not good enough because of what I've said.
I don't ever want to break a promise to him or not keep my word. If I cannot deliver something, I will pray that I will always be honest and straightforward, meeting him where he is in my effort to explain or tell him the truth about anything he may have asked, and tactfully deflect when he is not yet old enough to understand.
Now, please, don't think that my parents didn't do these things. In fact, most of these things they did very, very well. My brothers and I were raised by two of the most loving and caring individuals on the other side of the Mississippi (remember, I'm from Texas, y'all). However, I know what I needed and sometimes didn't get, and sometimes still don't get. And I want to make sure Sean gets everything he needs.
Sometimes, I wish I was closer to them - meaning that, I would like to sit in my mom's arms and cry and tell her how much of a failure I feel, and have her lovingly tell me how much of a blessing I am, not tell me that I need to get up, get a job, get moving, etc., etc.
I feel like my dad sometimes wants to do that but he's not quite sure how, and I know I don't help, because I stay away. I should probably call more, even though we really don't stay on the phone long, and I should probably just express how much I love them more.
And maybe they would do it back, probably not, but, at least I can try. I just can't stand the awkwardness I feel sometimes between us, like there's something they want to say but don't, and me, having so much to say, to ask, but I don't.
I just want to feel the loving arms of my mom and dad around me, caring and loving me like they did when I can remember it, when I was little. When a scraped knee or a stomach flu was comforted by hugs, loving touches, and just the knowledge that they would be there for me.
I'm starting to cry now, but, I know that this is part of my process. I've got to take a good look at everything, and I know my relationship with my parents is something I must address.
Thanks for reading.
Tonight, since I was already anticipating him waking up once, I was ready to run in and fulfill my parental duty. Sean woke up, as expected, and I got him back to sleep, pretty quickly. In fact, he laid back down the moment he saw me come into the room, almost as if he, too, was expecting me to hear him and come in and sit by his cribside.
I sat and rubbed his back, as he drifted back into la-la land, and I decided to stick around for a few minutes. I love watching him sleep, and I just sat there, taking in the rhythmic rising and falling of his chest, watching the peacefulness of his face, his long eyelashes gently caressing his face as his eyes were closed, seemingly effortlessly on his part. :)
I'm a music nut, so, when I'm just sitting in silence, in my head, there's usually a song or two playing, and, while I was sitting there watching my beautiful son, the song by Sade, By Your Side, kept running through my head. I just sat there, in awe, thanking God for this beautiful little creature He entrusted to me and Dray, while the following lyrics were running through my thoughts.
From the chorus: "Oh, when your low, I'll be there, by your side, baby. Oh, when your cold, I'll be there, to hold you tight, to me." And then, from the bridge: "And if you want to cry, I'll be here to dry your eyes. And in no time, you'll be fine."
It made me think about how all of us start out as lil bundles of joy. It also made me wonder how my parents thought of me, my brothers, and if they looked at me and eventually, us, with the same wonderment and awe and thankfulness and humility and responsibility that I now look at my son. It also made me wonder when that all changes. When do we stop being our parents' little wonders and when do we start drifting away from each other, or growing closer as adults or separate human beings?
Here's an example, that happens to be from my own perspective.
My parents had me at an early age. They were in college, in fact, when I was born. Since they were both determined to finish school, I was shuffled, quite happily, between my mom's family and my dad's family. The good news was that both families lived in the same state. The bad news was that their families lived four hours away from each other in the same state. No big deal, though, because, as it is now well known, both of my parents' families get along famously well with each other. Between all the cousins, grandparents, brothers, sisters, aunts, and uncles, everyone combines to make one really big happy family. It's truly a blessing.
Suffice it to say that my mom, dad, and I kind of grew up together. Having said this, I've always wondered if they view me somewhat as a little sister and less as a daughter. I've always been curious about this, simply because there were times in my younger life when I felt like I really needed a mommy and I had a best friend, who was wiser and smarter than me. There were times when I felt really distant from my father, and that's because of a terrible event in my youth that I don't really discuss (please see previous blogs to put it all together if you'd like). I felt like I needed a dad and I got someone who just, well, was looking out for my best interests, but didn't express it in the way a 12 year old girl needed to hear it.
I get that my parents have their own parent issues, and even some scars that they've never discussed, perhaps, and why would they, with my brothers and I. But, in my day to day, I wonder how much of what I wanted or needed from them will affect how I parent my own son.
I hope that I will always be emotionally and mentally available to my son, whatever the situation or circumstance. I will pray that this is so, and ask God to give me discernment about how to speak to him. I don't want my words to damage him in any way, and I especially don't want to make him feel less than or that he's not good enough because of what I've said.
I don't ever want to break a promise to him or not keep my word. If I cannot deliver something, I will pray that I will always be honest and straightforward, meeting him where he is in my effort to explain or tell him the truth about anything he may have asked, and tactfully deflect when he is not yet old enough to understand.
Now, please, don't think that my parents didn't do these things. In fact, most of these things they did very, very well. My brothers and I were raised by two of the most loving and caring individuals on the other side of the Mississippi (remember, I'm from Texas, y'all). However, I know what I needed and sometimes didn't get, and sometimes still don't get. And I want to make sure Sean gets everything he needs.
Sometimes, I wish I was closer to them - meaning that, I would like to sit in my mom's arms and cry and tell her how much of a failure I feel, and have her lovingly tell me how much of a blessing I am, not tell me that I need to get up, get a job, get moving, etc., etc.
I feel like my dad sometimes wants to do that but he's not quite sure how, and I know I don't help, because I stay away. I should probably call more, even though we really don't stay on the phone long, and I should probably just express how much I love them more.
And maybe they would do it back, probably not, but, at least I can try. I just can't stand the awkwardness I feel sometimes between us, like there's something they want to say but don't, and me, having so much to say, to ask, but I don't.
I just want to feel the loving arms of my mom and dad around me, caring and loving me like they did when I can remember it, when I was little. When a scraped knee or a stomach flu was comforted by hugs, loving touches, and just the knowledge that they would be there for me.
I'm starting to cry now, but, I know that this is part of my process. I've got to take a good look at everything, and I know my relationship with my parents is something I must address.
Thanks for reading.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)