Why have I been wrestling and fighting within?
Well, that's easy. I've come to the realization that I'm operating on autopilot, if you will.
For me, it's so easy to hide behind my mask (See my entry, about wearing the mask that grins and lies. It's called Smileyface). I wear a pleasant mask, an all smiles, love you cuz you're you, happy face kind that doesn't offend anyone, that loves everyone, that hopes everyone sees how caring I am...
well, the truth is, I'm hurting. I've been hurting for years, and my hurts have come from the people I love hardest, most, and best. My family, husband, very close friends.
What I've learned about myself, is that in the midst of everything I do, I have been doing it so others would be more comfortable with me, more accepting of me, more caring of me.
I haven't been doing them because I truly love to do them or even, perhaps, because I truly want to do them.
Sunday, the Pastor said we need to examine our motives behind what we do. Asking ourselves simple questions when we go to do things - any and everything. For example, do I really have a need to talk to certain people, or do I just want to appear to be needing of their expertise, so that I can get closer to them? Or, am I really interested in this person as a friend, or do I want them in my life for the things that they can do for me or the people they can introduce me to?
Yesterday, I expressed to my husband something that had been troubling me for a while now.
I have a woman who comes to my house, once a week, to witness to me, and to have bible study, and so on and so forth.
She may think that I'm so into the study, she's doing a great work for God, etc, etc. But, the truth of the matter is, I just genuinely enjoy her company. I love her, and her sweet family. She makes me feel good when I see her. She's like a friend to me, and that's why I like her coming over. I could care less about the bible study, and frankly, I could care less if she brought a friend.
I just want to get to know her better, to have her company, to know her family, to enjoy them, as friends.
I feel so guilty and terrible for not saying anything to her earlier, but, since I've been examining my motives, I am compelled to tell her the truth. She's a wonderful, beautiful person, and she should know that her bible study is not my main objective in seeing her each week.
I'm going to tell her today, hopefully this evening, because I love her as a person, and I would like for us to become friends. Real friends, not just someone she comes to witness to and has an affection for.
It's not the completion, but the beginning of my journey. Now, I've got to examine my motives with my family, with my friends, with people I know at church, with my music ministry, with everything in my life.
Because, in the end, as I'm constantly telling my husband, I just want to be right. I've said that same refrain for years, at it still rings as true as it did the first time I ever said it.
I just want to be right. And whatever process I have to go through to get there, I will do it.
Why? Because I know my ongoing quest to be closer to righteousness will never end, but I can continue to improve. And with the Lord watching and prompting and guiding, I will get better and better.
Besides, who wants to be perfect? Once you're perfect, what can you practice to get better? I enjoy the practice...and I know that sounds weird, but, every opportunity you get to make a decision and you choose the right one, hey, that's great practice, don't you think?
Back in the day, when you were with your friends out on the playground or in the gym or in the empty field behind your school (hey, don't ask, I don't have time to explain), and somebody had to go the bathroom, and they came back, but didn't quite have themselves together the same way they did before they left, someone would call out, "XYZ!" Now, I don't know about you, but it took me a while to figure that out, and, fortunately, as kids, you don't mind telling your friends what things mean or explaining things, so one of my more "street wise" friends explained to me that XYZ stood for examine your zipper (X-amine Y-our Z-ipper), signaling to the person who needed to check him or herself that something wasn't quite right.
Nowadays, I don't have too many friends who still do that - we've all grown up past that stage, but when it comes to my motives, that's something no one has ever questioned. But, maybe someone should have. And, maybe someone should still today.
Thank God for the Holy Spirit. He's my friend, whispering in my ear, "Kiki, XYM (X-amine Y-our M-otives)." I need someone to prompt me, to lovingly ask, "Is that the real reason or is there something else?" I just want to get it right. And I know I won't every time, but, refer to my previous paragraph about practice...
I'd better wrap this up.
So, folks, don't forget that thing we used to say on the playground when we didn't want to call somebody out really badly for not checking themselves before they left the restroom.
But, with a twist.
Not XYZ, XYM - eXamine Your Motives.
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