Yes, I'm using these two words and playing with them. In a fun way.
As I've posted, I'm realizing how much these pounds are a part of me. Literally a part of me. Not just like I'm wearing a fat suit and the real Nakeisha will step out of it, but that they are truly part of me.
I want to write about some serious things. Speaking of which, I've come to the realization that for all my silliness and desire to have a good laugh, I'm an extremely serious person. Seriously. I take everything seriously, to a degree. And I know how to loosen up and laugh at myself and others so we all can feel good from time to time, so I don't notice it as much. But, for real, I'm one serious chick.
So, in writing about serious stuff, here we go.
I was a fun loving, singing all the time lil girl. I love to sing, still to this day, and I wanted to be a singer and a mathematician. Funny, i went to school to be an engineer and I sing in my church's Praise and Worship ministry. I love it!
Anyway, somewhere along the line, sometime between, maybe 4-8 or 9 years of age, I lost that little girl. I honestly have years or parts of years missing in my memory somewhere between ages 7-9, and I know why, but that is highly sensitive and privileged information. I am dealing with that, and I feel that has something to do, also, with why I turn to food.
I'm fast forwarding to the time my parents moved my brother and I to a new school district in my 8th grade year. That year alone, I'm sure I gained about 30-50 pounds. I was depressed, separated from my friends, and even though I was making new ones, I hated my school. What changed was one amazing teacher who gave me a new lease on my school again - Ms. Paula Bledsoe. She was truly a God send. I was blessed by God because of her, and I know He meant for her to come into my life. I also met and made a friend for life, in D.D.D. She is the best friend in the world to me, my sister, my accountability partner, my prayer partner, everything...I love her with everything there is to love, and more than that. God is truly good. He brought her to me as well, and I thank Him daily.
Around this time, I began to lose weight, partly because I became more physically active, and partly, I think, because of peer pressure. The weight didn't fall off, but there was a difference in my clothes and everything. I lost weight. It was good for me.
Then, I picked up quite a few pounds my junior and senior years of high school. My mother had a baby, my beautiful baby brother Alexander, and I felt more responsibility to my family. My dad wanted her to stay home with him, and I wanted to help out by trying to pay for some of my own school expenses, like my letter jacket, senior pictures, all that stuff. I did a little, but my parents ended up paying for most of it, and, some things I went without. I stopped working to help my mom at home and I felt guilty I wasn't paying my own way and taxing their resources because they just had a little baby. Also, I was stressed and a lil bit crazy taking seven AP courses and the tests to get college credit (which I did - an entire semester's worth of class credit). And, I broke up with my boyfriend whom I was very serious about (and of course I was - he's now my husband!). And I was growing apart from my childhood friends at a rate that troubled me, and I felt it was my fault solely. My parents didn't trust me as much as they could because they thought I had done things with my boyfriend that I HAD NOT DONE, and so, I was alone.
And I ate. And I cried and I ate.
Towards the end of all that, right before I went to college, I started taking better care of me and I lost a little bit, but, I had ballooned to 256 pounds before I left for college. I was a mess.
My freshmen year of college I lost thirty pounds. My sophmore year, I gained ten back.
From then until I returned to Texas after graduate school, I gained weight every year.
In Texas, the two and a half years or so I was there, I lost sixty pounds. I was on fire to lose it all.
I moved to Maryland and in the past three years I've gained back all the weight I lost and then some. Sad, isn't it? But I've had a few events here that have helped me eat my way back to my present size.
I said all of that, to say this: I am dealing with all the reasons I am the size I am today. I will be uncovering some deep hidden things, feelings, and I want to be openly honest about them. I don't want anyone to be hurt in this process, but I realize that I have to be true to my perception of things at various points in my life, whether I was right or wrong, or somewhere in between.
I hope that anyone who reads this that has known me for years does not take offense or is hurt by anything that may be written. Please know that anything written is not to hurt or defame others, but to help me put the pieces together and move forward.
Okay, I've heaved a big sigh, and I can now rest. Good night, all.
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