I know my blog isn't really heavily frequented

So it's quite all right with me that I post this here. I suppose I should go back to my journalling, something that I love, honestly.

But, I'll reiterate here, the purpose of my blog was to share. Something that is so difficult at times for me to do, and I honestly wanted to make this a safe place for me to write.

I love writing. I love the sound of clickety clackety keys and spacebars. I love the old school, the typewriter sounds. I love the sound of pencil to paper, the furious, continuous writing of someone who is literally flowing from their brain directly to the paper.

Ahhh...it's a beautiful image, isn't it?  If you aren't a writer, but, instead, you are a reader exclusively, then you understand what I mean. You can get lost in words. Writers always get lost, sometimes to the point of continuing and forgetting exactly where you were supposed to end up.

The words take you there. The words lead you and guide you along the path. It's amazing.  Then, once the fury has subsided and you look up, you've written five or ten pages and you can't believe that YOU wrote that.

Wow.

Sorry, I was on a tangent, lol, see? I love it.

Well, I'm about to be very transparent. I'm struggling a bit. I'm...sad. Very sad.

I don't think I'm depressed, in fact, I think I'm very clear about my course of action and what I need to do, but I just don't want to do it. I want to put my head back in the sand, I want to pretend my eyes don't see what my eyes see.

I want to be ignorant again. To a degree, ignorance really is bliss. It can be the place you find comfort and...well, it's kind of like your warm fuzzy blanket that you use to shield you from the "real world".

I can't go back to ignorance, though, and what I'm seeing, what I'm hearing is, well, that what I thought was a glittering, glistening, beautiful dream is not. It's not a nightmare, either, it's just, not the package that I was presented.

The package is an all right package that someone would be thrilled to have. In fact, there are some who would be so happy to have it, they wouldn't understand why I want to place it to the side or return it.

The problem is, when you are presented with a glittery, glistening, beautiful dream and it turns out to be just a vision that never really comes to fruition, that can be beyond frustrating.  You can end up feeling resentful, that you were hoodwinked and bamboozled.

You can end up feeling...sad. And stuck. And like, well, like you don't have any options.

Or, that the only option you have is one that causes you to lose sleep, to cry yourself to sleep many nights in a row, to distance yourself from those who love you the most and who love you best.

Well...

I just hope that whatever I decide to do with this package that I was handed that I treat it kindly and do the very best for it that I can.

I have always wanted to do the RIGHT thing. Always.  I will pray and hope that I continue to do that.

It's better to know that I've done all I could to make this package the one for me.

I don't want to let it go, but that might be the best thing for me...I've never thought about that scenario.

It frightens me and paralyzes me at the same time. I have to keep moving. I can't stop.

One foot in front of the other.

Here's to doing the best thing for everyone.

Peace.